My Journey

Thursday, September 30, 2004

Ick

So he got a job - hosting at a Mexican restaurant - nights and weekends...so much for the 9-5 dream we'd both envisioned...weekends together...so much for seeing and talking to him on a semi-regular basis - can a relationship with little communication and even less contact work?

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Learning Sign Language in the Office

Did an observation at the Center for Early Intervention today - was drawn to a child who was hearing impaired. His parents refuse to sign with him at home, thus until his admission into this program 3 weeks ago, he has had no one formally communicate with him throughout his life. HOW DO YOU NOT HAVE A DESIRE TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR CHILD? I found myself watching him and thinking, what if this was my student? I could not teach him, I could not even tell him goodmorning. I need to learn sign language...
Spent lots of time in the office today because Jake was sick. Had 7 people come in to ask various questions - what would they have done if I wasn't here? Probably come back, but what if they didn't? I need to be accessible and this office needs to be staffed all of the time - it's not because we only have 14 senators - we need people! We cannot effectively represent and be a resource for students if we are not here...
It's hitting me that soon I will have my own classroom. I will be responsible for building the educational foundation of my students. I am not here to 'slide by' and simply get good grades - I am here to learn how to relate with and educate my students - am I doing that, or am I more concerned with getting a 4.0?
Passions colliding, just like Julie was saying...I want to give 100% to Senate, 100% to my classes, 100% to friends and to Brandon but at the end of the day, there's nothing left to give yet somehow it gives me life.

Friday, September 24, 2004

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Did you see that thing? It was fuckin huge! It could have crawled in your mouth and laid little eggs, and you just let them live with you. It's just unsettling, very unsettling.
- Brandon reacting to a spider -
And boys are supposed to protect us?

What I've Been Waiting For...

You're so cold, leave your hand in mine

Why can't he stay forever??? Missing him even before he's gone...

Monday, September 20, 2004

HELP!

My thesis topic is due soon...I want to do something with No Child Left Behind and what it is/isn't doing for urban, low income schools...but I can't form it into something researchable - can somebody help? Please please please please PLEASE???

Psalm 139

you've searched me, you know me
you seen my every move
theres nothing i could ever do
to hide myself from you
you know my thoughts, my fears and hurts
my weaknesses and prides
you know what i am going though
and how i feel inside
but even though you know
you will always love me
even though you know
you'll never let me go
i dont deserve your love
but you give it freely
you will always love me even though you know
-Rebecca St. James-
I'll go to sleep content tonight - I'm not in this alone.

I Can See Clearly Now the Rain Is Gone

The radio seemed to know what I was thinking - we drove in to Bemidji yesterday and this song came on. The conference went well - visions collided, compromises were made, and we moved on. Efficient, engaging, and inspiring. The organization is headed in a new direction - one it's needed to go down for several years. No more being held back, no more squashing ideas because we might fail. It's time to "go big or go home". Yet I look at everything we have planned for the next year and again feel overwhelmed. It is my responsibility to think of and plan for everything that could possibly go wrong. If we screw up, it's on the shoulders of the Board. The responsibility of that is huge. We took risks last year and they turned out better than we ever thought possible...is life trying to teach me something?
It takes so much energy - I never stop thinking about it. Today I woke up at 2 in the morning and thought, "I forgot to tell Brad to send us the agendas on time in October." Then I thought, "We need to put up posters for recruiting...People need to go doorknocking...We need to speak to classes, which means emailing professors..."and on and on until it was 3:30 am and I couldn't sleep. It's consuming and overwhelming and I'm not sure if I can do this for another 8 months. It's all passion and dedication - do I have it in me? Maybe I just need to drink more Gatorade.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

I am Selfish

Stressed, filled with anticipation, doubt, worry, a weird combination of insomnia and narcolepsy.
We have a conference this weekend - a new Executive Director, and active board, a rock star state chair - will it all come together? Do too many visions result in a mess or a paradise? Do I have the energy for this again? I feel tired, cynical, burnt out. 'This too shall pass'. What if it doesn't? I'm whining, I know, but I don't know what else to do - I feel consumed with being overwhelmed...

Monday, September 13, 2004

Play

In play we transform the world according to our desires, while in learning we transform ourselves better to conform to the structure of the world.
We have a lot to learn from little kids. They play - take naps - catch bugs not to kill them, but to observe and learn from them. When they have disagreements they scream, kick, and cry - experiencing emotions so strong they're not quite sure what to do with them. 5 minutes later they're back to playing and exploring. Somehow we grow up and quit playing, quit taking naps, and start killing bugs. Out of "respect" for other people we talk about them behind their backs, not having the courage to talk to them face to face. We forget what it's like to be overcome by emotions and instead fall into a dull routine, not experiencing sorrow or joy, but merely surviving from day to day. We conform to the structure of the world and instead of labeling ourselves as what we are - boring - we call ourselves educated.
I am blessed to be surrounded by people who still believe in being 'awake' - who stand on desks to teach and call their students when they don't come to school. People who stand up for their views, even when outnumbered 5-1, who search for answers rather than adoptioning the opinions of others. I have passionate friends - people who won't let me not play. They still kill bugs, but I'm working on that :)

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Cheese Curds, Jousting, and Tears

Good weekend - can't decide how I feel about being back. Spent the weekend in Eagan, went to the Ren Fest - had a blast but left exhausted. Have a bruise on my hand where Brandon hit me with his sword while fencing - I lost but it's okay - he had to get down on his knees and beg me to forgive him :) Today we sat around in our pj's and watched football. My plan was to leave at 3. At 3:45 he put his arms around me and said "I've decided you can't leave." "Okay," I said. At 4:15 I drove away - tears streaming down my face thinking damnit, I cried again. When did it get so hard to be without him?



Thursday, September 09, 2004

Damn Politics

In Political Inquiry today some guy would not shut up about Kerry and his military record and how it was all false. I wasn't going to argue with him - truth is I don't really like Kerry that much, but I really don't like Bush. I decided not to argue with him, simply because he wasn't worth the energy. I'm tired of un-needed conflict - arguing because the only thing many of us seem to be good at is disagreeing with each other. I went to my night class tired and unfocused, but left inspired. An excerpt from an article we read on inclusion...

"Many suggest that with our society in crisis, we need to mount the barricades and defend our turf. Typical responses include: hire more police, build more jails, create more special education, administer more electro-shock, issue more behavior modifying drugs. Control, control, control. There is another possibility. We could strive to welcome and include everyone, to build a society with more acceptance, more love, more care, and more compassion."
THIS is why I'm getting into education and politics. Not to argue and debate but to make the world BETTER. I will not argue with the Bush puppet in Inquiry, nor will I listen to Kerry puppets. Politics is not making the world a better place - but public policy is. If we elect people that CARE ABOUT PEOPLE our society will not need more jails, police, or special education because together our society will function on it's own...aaahhh...the joy of idealism. Do they have a party for that?

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Back So Soon

Back in Bemidji - Doctors and insurance fighting pushes back the appointment I, along with my family, have been scheduling my life around - ggrrrr.
Spent the weekend in Eagan - cried when I left - I'd gotten better at not doing that. When did I become so freaking emotional? I'm beginning to realize it's got to be this way for a while - there's nothing either one of us could do to change it and, when it comes down to it, this is the way we're both the happiest. I don't belong in the cities, and he doesn't belong here, not right now anyways. It could be much worse - he could be 10 hours away, or across the ocean. In the end everything is relative, and this is distance enough thank you very much.

Sunday, September 05, 2004

Today I Tried Stripping

"Today I tried stripping for the first time. I made $500.00"
Brandon's idea of a blog entry.
With books, car payments, rent, food, and way too many iced chai lattes from Caribou lately, the $500 would be nice - if only there wasn't the taking off my clothes part....I guess I'll continue to be poor, counting down the days until the government gives me money which I will someday have to pay back (when I am still poor.)

Thursday, September 02, 2004

The Distance

' I can't take the distance
I can't take the miles
I can't take the time until the next time I see you smile'
Evan and Jaron

I just want to see him smile. I can hear it over the phone but I can't see it and it's not the same. I've always been this incredibly independent person but then something happened and sometimes I just need him to be here.
This week has been busy, but good. Had coffee with Amy on Monday and left feeling rejuvenated and inspired - I've been blessed with awesome friends.
Senate has gone well this week, we have so many supporters - it's more than we could have hoped for. "I love this," Jake said to me today. Me too. I love it but something's missing - the time when I don't have to be anyone but simply Julie who can't stand to sleep with any lights on and hates her food to touch. You get close enough to someone and they know so much about you that when they leave, they take parts of you with them. It doesn't matter that it's only been 6 days - it feels like forever.