Dance Party

Liyah and I danced the afternoon away to Bob Schneider :)

Calling All Friends...

Those of you who know something about computers - my mom messed with the color settings on our computer and now it's, well, not good. The only options are a 2 or 16 color setting - she thinks she deleted some of them. Does anybody know how to fix it? (I checked the recycle bin and it's not there...)

I Could Get Used To This...

Waking up when I want, running, eating breakfast, working on my thesis.
Eating lunch, reading, working out some more, taking a nap...
There's food in the fridge and I don't have to buy it.
No boy, but at this point I'm used to that and the alone time is good for me...that's what I tell myself anyway. Okay, so maybe the no boy part I wouldn't like to get used to, but the rest of it rocks.
It's not that I'm sitting in front of the tv or sleeping until noon. It's not even that I'm not doing homework or Senate - but it's different because I'm on my schedule. I determine how my day will go - not other people, and it's great!

A Chance To Breathe

The end is almost here. Tomorrow at 12:30 this semester will be over. I'm so excited - to see Brandon, to go home...to get the break that I've needed for a while now. To have time to reflect on the past four months, and to spend each day how I choose to spend it, not as it's dictated by homework or Senate or other obligations.

Hey Legislators

Think about what this means for the economy.

How I Remember Her

The day before I left...

She's so big :( 

Look at her ponytail! 

32 Flavors and Then Some

I'm not trying to give my life meaning by demeaning you.
And I would like to state for the record, I did everything that I could do.
I'm not saying that I'm a saint I just don't want to live that way no,
I will never be a saint but I will always say
Squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
And I'm beyond your peripheral vision
So you might want to turn your head
Cause someday you might find you're starving and eating all of the words you said.
Ani DiFranco

Conference call Monday morning for MSUSA - so much for not thinking about it until after the break. This area of my job is one that I often find frustrating and time consuming, but is also something that I'm passionate about. 7 universities come together with the opportunity to speak as one. We have the chance to do incredible things this legislative session - to represent students, to learn, to network - to give back, and I'll be damned if I let someone take that away from me. The people that are so quick to criticize me do not know me.
Leadership is not pleasing people - it's leading them. That sometimes means doing things they don't understand and hoping they trust that you have their best interests in mind. People have the right to question my decisions - I have the right to prove them wrong.
I will prove that I am confidant and strong and will not forget that I represent the 5,000 students of Bemidji State. Their voice will be heard, and I will succeed. If anybody wants to join me go right ahead. If you don't, stand back, watch, and prepare to be amazed.

Random Acts of Badness

The biography of Danny Bonaduce and my prize at the white elephant gift exchange at our Senate Christmas party. Had a good time, Nicole's house was somehow comforting - like being at home. Houses of married people have a certain comfort level I don't feel like our house has...
Came out and someone had written bull shit on my windshield in silly string...I wonder who that was (ahem - JAKEUS).
Standing by the bonfire Jon, P, and I somehow got to talking about long distance relationships. It's always good to talk to other people who are going through the same thing. They know how fights over little things are only intensified by miles, and how moments of vulnerability turn in to anger when the person isn't here to see that all you really need is a hug.
Brandon and I have fought more in the last few months than I hope we do ever again in our lifetimes. Not fighting over real differences in belief systems - but over the fact that we're apart, that he's not here and I'm not there. Over doing things with other people, even though we realize it's important to have our own lives. Over balancing alone time and friend time when we do see each other. Over frustrations we have with other things that spill over into us, even when we swear they won't. I didn't expect it to be perfect, but I didn't expect it to be like this either. To say that and know that other people understand is comforting and reassuring.
For some reason we seem to be particularly bad at it, which is sometimes amusing, but mostly frustrating. When he was here our relationship was very spontaneous. We saw each other when we wanted and did what we wanted without much planning or thought. That doesn't work now. We need to plan more and make our plans a priority. While flexibility is good, making plans and then saying, 'I have too much homework,' or 'I don't want to drive,' or 'I could work and pick up hours' is ridiculous and will tear us apart. I need to treat him like I treat other people - like I treat my job - as a priority - and he needs to do the same.
What the heck ever happened to fairy tale endings? Prince Charming isn't supposed to ride away on his white horse without taking you with him.

Warmth

Maybe if you were here the house wouldn't be so cold.
We could go out to dinner and spend hours talking.
We could do homework together, watch movies, go out for coffee.
Play Skip Bo for however long it took for me to win, listen to music until the wee hours of the morning.
We could just lay together in the dark, talking about our future and all it had in store for us.
How I'd love to have all the little things back. The things that other people take for granted - the things that I would never stop cherishing if I could just have them back.
Their absence causes me to hear the furnace every time it comes on, reminding me that the house is cold and you are not here to make it warm.

Goodbye Preoccupation!

Came home from the rec today and the dishes were done - yea!
It's finally to that point in the semester when things are I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not done - I still have 3 papers and 4 finals, but I can focus on a few things rather than trying to do everything at once.
Senate is calming down - my 10-noon meeting got cancelled today so I had two extra hours to do things I'd been putting off. It was great to walk in the office at 3 and know that there was nothing waiting for me...
It's such a gift to be able to focus on today instead of how to survive tomorrow.

Aimditty

Amy - you inspire me. To take school seriously and to see the world through the eyes of my students. You remind me of my passion and help me find peace. You understand my dreams yet remind me to appreciate today.
I cherish the times I spend with you...laughing, pondering, venting, slipping on ice :) Thank you for reminding myself that I have the strength to be myself.

83

The temperature in our house. Somebody turned the thermostat up ALL THE WAY. After I've been keeping it low for the last month to save money - ggrrrr.

Indecision

Thoughts of dinner...
"I should eat the rest of my apple from earlier."
I do.
"I'm still hungry. I'll have cereal."
Pour the cereal, get out the milk, decide I don't want cereal, put the milk away, pour the ceral back in the box.
"I should eat leftover Indian food."
Get out the Indian food - smell it - don't want it anymore. Put it back in the fridge.
"The Thai noodles are getting old - I should eat those."
Get them out of the fridge, microwave them, pour them in a bowl, take a bite.
"I don't want these either."
Put them back in the fridge, stare at the food cupboard.
Honey falls out at me.
"Tea sounds good"
Make tea.
"If you can't find anything to eat you must not be that hungry," says the voice inside that sounds too much like my Mom.
I sit on the couch, drink my tea, and begin homework.
My stomach is growling.
Must start search again.
Gggrrr.

The Side Of Me He Knows...

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind

I can withhold like it’s going out of style

I can be the moodiest baby and you've never met anyone as negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met.

I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected.

I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen And you've never met anyone who's as positive as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part

You see all my light and you love my dark

You dig everything of which I'm ashamed

There's not anything to which you can’t relate

And you’re still here

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking

My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating

I'm the most georgous woman that you've ever known

And you’ve never met anyone as as everything as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part

You see all my light and you love my dark

You dig everything of which I'm ashamed

There's not anything to which you can’t relate

And you’re still here

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know

What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

Alanis Morissette

Processing

"Lookin back through time you know it's clear that I've been blind, I've been a fool
To open up my heart to all that jealousy, that bitterness, that ridicule"
David Grey

Still recovering from a crazy weekend. Questioning myself, my involvement with MSUSA - feeling like I've failed sucks. It doesn't matter whether I did or not - it feels like I did and it sucks.
"You have to distance yourself from it," one of the other directors told me. I can't not be personally invested. I risked a lot for this - stood up for what I believed in - lead others in the same direction. I've learned what I've learned by giving what I gave; everything I had.
To have someone tell me they don't trust my decisions...to have people constantly questioning and doubting...it gives me this feeling in my stomach I don't think I'll ever be able to explain.
"Be tough," I tell myself. I believe that I've done what's best for the association. It was seldom easy, and it's pissed people off, but I still believe I did what's right.
Is it time for me to be done? To focus on things here - to remove myself from the drama - to quit being the one who puts out fires...
So many decisions that I don't have the energy to make now. Want to be home, with time to reflect, to be away from all of this. To be around people who knew me before this, who would support me if I walked away from everything tomorrow...15 more days...

36 cents

What's left after spending my last $10 on the house - trashbags and toilet paper.
Next payday: 11 days.

Phones are a'ringin

In a ten minute span I got a call from 3 reporters about this...

What Happened to Wonder?

Remember when we were little and fascinated by everything simple? I remember riding home with my cousin Jake when he was a toddler and him repeating, "Moon, moon!" until I was silently begging him to say anything but moon. Whoever says kids have short attention spans was not in the car that day. Watch kindergartners waiting for the bus or walking home in the rain. They're fascinated - by the weather and the cars driving by and the people across the street. We grow up and become numb to everything that's around us and forget what it's like to wonder.
I can sense it in myself. I'm so focused on homework and Senate and accomplishing this and finishing that that I forget to experience. I'm not learning anything in my classes - there's so many projects and papers and busy work that they mean nothing. I cross one off the list and move on to the next one, not proof reading, not processing, simply saving, printing, and turning in. Somehow they come back with A's on them. College is not teaching me how to think - it's teaching me how to turn in homework.
I don't know how long it's been since I've had a good conversation with somebody - one where neither one of us were in a hurry...where we just sat down with a coffee or a beer and pondered something about the world and figured out a way to fix it. Even if the solution only lasted as long as the beverage in our hands, for a moment, a problem was fixed.
I miss conversations like those. I miss experiencing things. I'm bored and overwhelmed all at the same time. Overwhelmed by everything and feeling passion for nothing. I want to be back with my kids at the early intervention center or at Head Start. I want to be student teaching - I want to be REALLY teaching. I'm ready - send me out in to the world!!!
Frustrated with my ed classes today I realized something - I could graduate in May and have a degree. I could walk across the stage, get a job, and move on!!! But I would be graduating with a Political Science degree. A degree which does not allow me to do what I so desperately want to do - teach. "You could still do Teach for America..." the voice in the back of my head says. I could, but I'm not ready. I would be cheating my students (assuming I even got in) In order to be an effective educator, I need to student teach. Graduation would be the easy way out. An escape from fearing that the busy work will never be over.
I want a job where I can make a difference. I also want a job that isn't with me all of the time. I want time to spend with my family - time to go to concerts and plays and take fun classes - time to 'sharpen the saw' - to give back to myself so I stop feeling so drained all the time. If teaching will absorb all of this 'self time', is it worth it to me?
"You're one of the few that's really meant to be in the classroom," someone told me today. "You owe it to your future students to stick this out." But what if all I want is to wonder again - to solve the problems of the world over coffee - to volunteer and give back...to enjoy and experience instead of just doing...