My Journey

Memories

2011-03-18T21:11:00.003-05:00

i know there’s little use in crying
it’s more wide awake and dying then i’m used to
i thought we’d walk these streets together
now i’m hoping that i’ll never have to meet you
step aside from all this anger
and somewhere in between i can feel you
ask me should we try again
i’m thinking no
y’know, it’s not what i believe in
it’s not what i believe in

- Howie Day -

A song that reminds me of sitting in Brandon's house, his room mate playing guitar down the hallway. A relationship that was so much but never enough, and a boy I loved but who was not the partner I needed.
So grateful for the people we became - for the fact that we realized our paths should not be one and separated, and for the boy who eventually became the person I will spend the rest of my life with.

But songs bring back old memories. "I thought we'd walk these streets together now I'm hoping that I'll never have to meet you."
Exactly.

2010-06-04T21:01:00.001-05:00

We're still looking for what we've never known
It's like trying to walk back when we've never left our home
- Nate Vaughn

2010-05-28T18:57:00.002-05:00

And it feels like giving in
It feels like starting over
It feels like waking up and you know it's coming
It feels like a brand new day

Jars of Clay

I heard this song for the first time while apartment hunting in KC last weekend.
We found a great place to live - yea! I really connect with some of the people on staff at my new job and am excited about the opportunity that I'll have to affect education for the kids of Kansas City.
Still a little sad about leaving - some moments more than others...and know that this month will probably be a really hard one.

Weekend trip to Niagra Falls - one of our last 'bucket list' items. No time to 'emotionally' transition - to step back and reflect before stepping in to another equally intense experience.
I've never been much of a step-backer anyways, but now, at the point of social, emotional, and professional exhaustion, it sounds nice.

2010-05-10T19:13:00.002-05:00

Weekends have turned in to the enemy.

Monday through Friday used to represent a grind - a sort of planned chaos that left me exhausted by Friday night. Weekends were spent working out, cooking meals, and savoring wine at our favorite Italian restaurant. I lived for the slower pace of Saturday and Sunday.
Since we've decided to move I dread the weekend. The unstructured time when the reminders of our move follow me around and scream 'WHY AREN'T YOU READY - YOU CHOSE THIS!'
It is now that weekdays turn into my friends. They represent consistency... structure...a familiarity that will be gone all too soon. I chose this move. This job. This change. This uncertainty. This isn't the first time. First was the move to Bemidji. Then Minneapolis. Then NYC. But this time is different.
It is very likely that we will live in Kansas City forever. This is the end of what we always said we would do. My childhood dream has been fulfilled. I spent my entire high school and college career working incredibly hard to get here. And I've worked equally hard the past 4 years....to go back.
I remind myself that my goals have changed. It's important to me that I raise my family around my family. That I raise them in the Midwest. Somewhere in the last 4 years the people who raised me have become more important than my career.
I feel fortunate that I can continue working for a cause I'm passionate about while being only 2 hours from where I grew up.
So why do I feel more like a basket case every day?
Maybe it's because I hate packing.
And the thought of driving across the country with 4 animals.
Maybe it's because I'm afraid I'll hate my job.
Or that I'll suck at it.
Or that I'll hate living in KC.
Or that my kids will hate living in KC and leave just like I did.
Or maybe it's just that goodbyes are my least favorite thing in the world?
Yep - pretty sure that's it.
7 weeks from today we'll be gone.

2010-04-30T19:57:00.002-05:00

I think you're already leaving
Feels like your hand is on the door
I thought this place was an empire
But now I'm relaxed - I can't be sure
- Matchbox 20

There's been a slow unravel happening at my school since July. I've seen it coming, tried to warn my principal, talked about it with my fellow admin teammates....but mostly sat back and just watched it happen, not knowing how to stop it.
This week the last piece officially unraveled and we were left in an incredibly big, emotional mess.
Teachers are leaving. My principal is leaving. Teachers who are staying fight for more input into decisions around next year while our current and future principals fight against it, fearing the proposed structure promotes a we vs. them mentality. For the first time since I've worked at this school I can say I largely distrust most of the people I work with.
This is not the way I wanted to leave - personally or professionally. I worry about our kids...and the teachers I work with directly. Our school culture had changed drastically this year and now more closely reflects that of the public middle school we share our building with rather than the no excuses charter school we say we are.
I have been part of a growing school.
I have been part of closing the achievement gap.
I have been a part of significant life change for hundreds of kids.
Not only is it falling apart in front of me, I have no idea how to stop it.

Forcing Change

2010-03-12T20:13:00.002-06:00

Today was our network wide PD day - a 'family reunion' of sorts, and in many ways, a goodbye party.
I said goodbye to many people I will not see again before I leave; acquaintances I've come to respect tremendously over the last 2 years, and who will ensure that our kids get to college long after I'm gone.
Ironically, I also had my first check in with my TFA supervisor tonight.
It's a perfect example of life lately - 90% here, 10% there, 100% questioning and in transition.
I remind myself that this is normal. That I've never been 100% about any move I've ever made in my entire life, including when I moved here. That the most important things about this city are coming with me - my hubby, my doggies, and the experience I've earned. And that the reasons for leaving are bigger than any reasons for staying - that we want our kids to grow up the way we grew up - surrounded by family, green grass, and a slower pace of life.
Yet I can't help but feel like I'm leaving so much behind. New York pizza, Central Park, the opporutnity to be a part of a huge movement in urban education, a job that most people would kill to have at 27, the freedom that comes with living out my dream...
I almost wish it was just here already. The in between is so hard.

2009-11-25T19:50:00.001-06:00

Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate
- The Fray

Feeling increasingly torn and homesick. Shifting priorities - work is no longer number 1.
Ready to move.

What would you do if you only had 6 months to live?

2009-09-13T12:26:00.004-05:00

Move home.

This question was posed at a leadership group yesterday, with the purpose of guiding our time to align with our values.

Other people talked about opening schools, doing charity work in other countries, volunteering...and I said.....move home.

I couldn't tell if something was wrong with me or if everyone else was lying.

Baking Soda

2009-07-13T20:32:00.003-05:00

http://www.thenewpress.com/index.php?option=com_title&task=view_title&metaproductid=1296

This book is changing the way I think about kids, parents, and my job. I'm at a conference at the Harvard Graduate School of Education, and besides being amazed at how nice their classrooms are and how great their catering is, I'm totally rethinking how we form relationships with parents.
Today we discussed how good schools initiate relationships with parents but most, if not all, of the content is school driven.
GREAT schools create a relationship with the parent, the platform of which is things like parent teacher conference night, progress reports, and parent groups like PTA. However, GREAT schools establish true 2 way communication with parents where parents are equal partners in the child's education.
The lecturer compared a child's achievement to a cake, saying that the instruction is the flour (the bulkiest part of the cake), but that parental involvement is the baking soda - the only thing that can lead the child to achieving their true potential. (She did a much better job of making the analogy)
I like to think that my school now is great, but when I think about our interactions with parents I realize that many of them are school driven and even then not truly tied to learning - but something that we do because we know it should be done.
I hope to revamp the way we build relationships with parents, starting before their first day of kindergarten.
Super exciting!!

3 months

2009-07-08T20:23:00.002-05:00

And we'll be married.
Small wedding details (like choosing a signature cocktail for our reception, ordering napkins, getting invitations ready to mail) are daily reminders that this is actually happening. YEA :)

Kale and Paint

2009-06-20T18:36:00.003-05:00

In addition to painting our apartment we've been trying tons of new recipies with our goodies from the CSA. We're still trying to find a way to cook kale so that we can stand to eat it - so far, Jack and Damon have gotten all of it.
Every day that passes brings us closer to our wedding - an event I'm super excited for but am totally over planning for :) I always thought I would be incredibly picky about all of the little things - center pieces, flowers, favors - but when it comes down to it, I'm pretty indifferent about all of the things people stress out about on the wedding shows.
I want my family and friends to be there, and I want the ceremony to reflect who we are as individuals and as a couple. Everything else is just extra. Thank goodness for my Mom, who is keeping track of so much of this 'extra' - the things that I put off or don't think of.
4 more months and we'll be married!

I'm In Love With This Song...

2009-05-01T19:31:00.001-05:00

What I Cannot Change - LeAnn Rimes
I know what makes me comfortable
And I know what makes me tick
And when I need to get my way I know how to pour it on thick
Cream and sugar in my coffee
Right away when I awake I face the day,
and pray to God I won’t make the same mistakes
All the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, yeah I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

I Love...

2009-04-28T20:17:00.002-05:00

That it's been warm enough that I don't have to wear a jacket in the morning.
That the sun is still out when I get home, even on days when I stay at school until 6:30.
The sound of the ice cream truck as I walk my dogs around the block.
That feeling of summer that comes with the laughter of kids that hang out on the street late at night.
Soon - very soon - this will be life :)

What I've Been Up To...

2009-04-24T20:49:00.002-05:00

- Learning Spanish
- Planning a wedding
- Yoga - I'm going to begin
- Joining a CSA - I've always wanted to do this! We'll get fruit, veggies, and eggs :)
- Listening to country music - it reminds me of home and arguing with my sister over who would get to sit in the front seat
- Life/career planning - figuring out where/how many we want to be in the next 5 or so years is a huge decision - we love talking about it. I think this is good :)
- Trying to keep in touch with friends

I've lived here for 3 years and pretty much been only a teacher. I want to make a conscious effort to change that, even if it isn't reflected here.
I hope to do a better job of capturing our life here - at least snippits of it - mostly for our own memories and reflection. Read if you want!

Remember the Tuition Freeze Campaign?

2009-02-20T10:04:00.002-06:00

We definitely never did anything like this!
http://takebacknyu.com/
Some NYU students have locked themselves inside the cafeteria since Wednesday, protesting rising tuition and the way the university handles it's budget. They're asking for a tuition freeze and complete transparency of the University's budget (in addition to scholarships for students from the Gaza Strip and a couple more political things)...but mainly the things we wanted - a tuition freeze and knowing where our money went (which we got).
Check out you tube clips of NYU staff - they are SO pissed - I definitely don't see this ending in a compromise...they're talking about expelling the students!
There was a big protest last night outside of NYU in support of the students in the cafeteria. The student activist in me totally thought about going :)

Happy Birthday!

2009-01-28T18:28:00.005-06:00

To Damon...
Our puppy turns 1 today!!
Many chewed up bills, socks, and pairs of underwear later, we've made it through our first year with our very mischievous Damon.

Northwest Hates Dogs

2008-12-06T16:17:00.002-06:00

Their pet fee (one way) went from $80 to $150. Yesterday.
We called to reserve their spot. Today.
I guess they must really need money because they wouldn't give us the old fee (the one that was on their website when we booked)....even though we talked to lots of people.
I fly with them a lot - we have frequent flyer miles. They have our email addresses. But never did we get an email saying the pet fee was going up.
Because Northwest hates dogs.
And apparently, loyal customers.
My next trip will be to use up the frequent flyer miles, and then we'll fly other airlines.
Ones that don't hate dogs.

10 and a half months

2008-11-23T12:01:00.002-06:00

And we will be married!
It seems so far, but we've already been engaged for 4 months - it seems like doing anything extra during the school year takes lots of effort, and that includes planning a wedding.
Below is our list of wedding to dos over Christmas (supposed to be break :) )
- Meet with cake person to decide on design and flavors
- Get engagement photos taken
- Buy dress (hopefully!)
- Look at bridesmaids dresses (and actually start asking people to be in the wedding...)
- Finalize guest list with families
- Finish save the date cards so they can be sent in February
- Meet with pastor Austin to go over ceremony - we're writing it ourselves - hopefully he's okay with this!

All of this because we will not be back together until July, 3 months before the wedding - too late to do any of the above things.
And yet, for the most part, life continues day to day like normal.
Instead of stressing out, I tell myself that this is the way it should be - focus on life - a little on the wedding - but mostly on life...

It's Official

2008-11-11T19:05:00.003-06:00

Today in the mail arrived a very tangible reminder of the fact that we are getting married.
Invitations.
Not samples, or someone else's invitations - ours. A big box of them. Envelopes. Reply cards.
And a piece of paper (150 of them actually) that says, in writing, that we will be married in 354 days (or something like that).

Most of the time life continues as normal. I work 70-80 hour weeks, Cliff generously cooks, cleans, and listens to my frequent melt downs about how busy I am (and takes care of me when I get sick, which seems to be happening a lot lately). We hang out with the dogs, play Wii, and sometimes remember that we are getting married and should be planning a wedding :)
I guess this is how it should be.
Preparing for marriage - and all that is to come.....not just the wedding...right?

Here We Come to Save the Day!!

2008-10-31T21:26:00.003-05:00

Check out my babies dressed up as Superman and Spiderman!
Cliff even took them to work, where they got TONS of attention.
They came home and crashed. The only sound we heard out of Damon was snoring.
http://cliffordblodgett.blogspot.com/2008/10/halloween-at-office.html

Crack Whore

2008-09-27T21:39:00.003-05:00

On Friday, one of my kids read the sentence, "The cow had a cracked horn." as "The cow had a crack whore."
OMG. So funny.
Only none of my kids laughed.
Which proves what low comprehenders they are.
And how far I have to push them before the state test.
And how different they are from my old kids, who would have laughed uncontroablly for at least 30 minutes if someone had made that mistake.
When I asked him to read it again, he said the same thing, at which point I could hear the dean on the other side of the wall start to laugh, and I had to swallow any laughter I had and walk him through the phonetics of why horn is not whore.

2008-09-16T20:13:00.003-05:00

Tonight as I was waiting for the train, the guy standing in front of me starts making a really odd face/noise. He does it repeatedly, moving along the track. In my mind, I'm thinking, "What in the hell is wrong with you??" Eventually the person next to me asked him if he was okay and he goes, "I'm hissing at the rats. It scares them, makes them think there's a cat around. You know, cat, meow?" And then he hissed at me. And the guy. I couldn't stop laughing. And the hisser guy rolled his eyes and walked away, like something was wrong with ME.
Oh my goodness.
I live here.
With people like this.

And he still loves me...

2008-09-01T20:08:00.003-05:00

Even though we ate veggie hot dogs/brats w/sauerkraut and chili, and corn on the cob 4 times in 6 days. Once we had mac and cheese, too. We were feeling ambitious that day.
Big weekend brunches have been reduced to....cereal.
Tonight, while eating the dinner of hot dogs and corn, he said, "This tastes like home."
"Even though we ate it yesterday, and 2 days before that?" I asked.
"Yep," he said.
You see, we used to plan meals and be super organized and varied in eating and cooking. But then I started working 60 hours a week and commuting 10, and getting up at 4:45....and suddenly, eating the same thing night after night doesn't bother me.
Eventually life will return to normal, right?
Or a new normal will be established.
Maybe we've already found it....in veggie hot dogs, sauerkraut, and corn on the cob :)

2008-08-10T17:37:00.002-05:00

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You doI was made for you
You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
Brandi Carlile

Dos Homes

2008-08-02T21:10:00.002-05:00

2 weeks of green grass, my mom's food, my dad's humor was just what I needed to feel centered again. In spite of a 6 hour layover in Minneapolis, I returned to NYC feeling calm and ready for the coming weeks of training and the rapidly approaching school year.
The Boy (who is now the Fiance, but that's another story...) met me with flowers and sushi and with the NY skyline in the background, it couldn't have felt more like home.
There's so much to say and tell but sometimes there's too much life to be lived to preserve the moments as they pass....so someday the stories will be told....but for now, I'm off to living.

Best quote from the time home:
Aaliyah pulls a protractor out of the drawer and asks me what it is.
"A protractor," I say.
"What does it do?" she asks.
"Measures angles," I say.
"Oh," she said. "Did you know it makes rainbows, too?"

New Beginnings

2008-07-07T21:13:00.002-05:00

In a neighborhood where there's sushi and non-Starbucks coffee, vegetarian chinese with brown rice takeout, mexican food with whole wheat tortillas, and lots of bodegas to feed the Boy's ever growing diet coke habit.
We do laundry at the laundromat and sit outside on the benches talking about.....life. After 2 years of ups and downs and a year of waking up next to him everyday, we still have things to talk about, and he still makes me laugh. This can only be a good thing, right?
People in the neighborhood know our name.
There's a 24 hour bakery across the street.
Life finally feels....comfortable.

Snapshots

2008-06-12T20:38:00.003-05:00

Yet another one of our teachers graduated today with his masters degree. My kids make a huge deal out of it. I let them. They need to know that post high school education is important and something to be proud of.
"If I drop out of school, will you send me a card?" Chris asked.
"Only if it's followed by a big kick in the butt," I jokingly responded.
"That's what I thought," he said.
"Man, if I drop out of school, I'ma move and not tell Ms. G where I live," Adony added.
"You'll have to do better than that," I said. "I'll find you."
"Yeah, I'd have to change my name." he concluded.
"How about ya'll just graduate and lead fantastic lives," I said.
"Yeah, that's what I'ma do anyways," Chris said.

And the days pass more quickly than I'm ready for them to, but the end of this experience is inevitable...who'd have thought 2 years ago that these kids would become mine?
They are leaving bigger, stronger, older, smarter, wiser, changed. I see it in their conversations, in the way they interact with the world around them, and the fact that in these days when numbers are dwindling, I have nearly all of my kids in school, waiting to see what we're going to learn today.
"You're still teaching?!" a colleague said in disbelief as I worked on next week's lesson plans after school today.
"Yep," I replied.
"Oh yeah, your kids actually show up," said another.
"Yep," I replied...smiled....and got back to work.
Time to be totally and completely their teacher - 10 more days and this is all over.

2008-05-08T17:03:00.003-05:00

"Julius is looking at a website with little girl panties!" - Chris
"No I'm not! It's my website!!" - Julius

Yeah, so we were researching countries and an ad popped up advertising apparel, part of which was girls underwear.
Oh my god. So funny.
I cried laughing.
I love that my job causes laughter like that.

2008-04-24T11:38:00.002-05:00

Where I come from....written by a guy who my dad listens to on the radio everyday on his way home from work.
Life was, and still is, so simple there, though I didn't know it then, and I don't think I could ever go back for good.
It's definitely my first choice for vacation...there's still something about waking up to the sound of the fan running in the room below me and my dad's radio on outside.

My New Addiction

2008-04-23T11:40:00.002-05:00

Feeds my thesis writing and fretting that maybe, just maybe, we might have Hillary Clinton as our president. Eeek.

A Different Kind Of Productivity

2008-04-19T18:46:00.003-05:00

Today we went to Brooklyn to explore neighborhoods so we could begin our apartment search June. Our lease is up in 60 days. For some reason this move feels so....big. We found a neighborhood we loved and, while it didn't totally feel like home, it has more potential than either of the neighborhoods I've lived in since moving here. Now, if we could only find an apartment....
We took the dogs to the dog park where they made new friends. PS - we got another dog 2 weeks ago. Rescued him from people who couldn't keep him. He's an 11 week old peek-a-poo (halk pekingnese half poodle, but looks pekingnese). He's adorable, but we definitely forgot what it's like to have a puppy. We haven't had a full night's sleep since we got him :)
Nothing tops off a great day like a cherry dip cone, so we made sure to leave the dog park before dark and alas, the ice cream truck was still there waiting for us!
Happy spring break to me!!!

A Teacher Friday Night

2008-04-04T21:24:00.003-05:00

Ate sushi with the Boy and watched the Oprah episode about puppy mills.
By the end I was bawling, cuddling the Dog (who had absolutely no idea what was going on), and promising myself 2 things.
1) That our next dog would be adopted from a shelter.
2) That at some point in my life I would become a dog rescuer or a foster home for dogs.

It's Officially Here

2008-04-01T20:30:00.001-05:00

Baseball season!!
Me, the Boy, and Johnny Damon have our first date of the year on Thursday at 7:05 and I can't wait!!!

Priorities

2008-03-26T20:15:00.002-05:00

Tonight I skipped class to have sushi with the Boy and take the Dog to the dog park.
The only disappointment was that we just missed the ice cream trucks. We hurried home just as the sun went down, only to see them drive over the bridge on their way back to the Bronx....we have yet to have our first dip cones of the season.

Basketball, Sex, And The City

2008-03-22T22:26:00.003-05:00

So the Boy and I went to a Knicks game on Friday night.

Yeah, the Knicks are pretty pathetic, but it's almost April (go Yanks!), and guess who was there?!

2008-03-22T22:15:00.002-05:00

And it's Easter...and for the first time in 3 or 4 years I will be spending it away from my family.
Today was the first day in the entire 3 years my niece has been alive that someone else took her to my home town's Easter Egg Hunt, and tomorrow I will not watch the sun rise with other members of my church.
Growing up these traditions were burdens but now, I find myself going to the grocery store at 10:00 on a Saturday night, buying food in an effort to make Easter feel like Easter....as much as it can, anyway, without flying home.

Peace

2008-03-15T18:24:00.003-05:00

Today we had a normal day, or normal for us.
Whole wheat french toast and red pears for breakfast, reading the first part of the Sunday New York Times (which, in NYC, is actually delivered on Saturday), and going for a hike with our fur baby.
Paying bills...planning meals...and the boy only worked 4 hours :)
Life is different here, but today, at least for a while, it felt like we were normal.

2008-03-07T21:49:00.002-06:00

Just bend the pieces ‘till they fit
Like they were made for it
But, they weren’t meant for this
Dashboard Confessional

It's 11:00 on a Friday night and the Boy still hasn't left work. This would not be a concern if he had not gone in at 7:30 am, and if he had gotten home before 10:30 last night, or before 9:00 the night before....but this is the story of his new job.
To people who don't live in New York, this is what life is like here. People work long hours, it's the city that never sleeps....blah, blah, blah.....but if it's your real life, it's not glamorous. I never see him, and it will only get worse, and I have to ask myself, is that what I want for my life?
He loves this job and this city and I, neither one, only him, but can I settle for someone who crawls in to bed so late I don't even remember him coming in?
Is this how I want to life my life....raise my children?
There is more to life than money (and the funny thing is the Boy could be a public school teaching and make more than he's making right now).
Relationships were not made for this, at least not ours....or maybe it's just me.......I'm not made for this.

I Miss...

2008-03-02T17:45:00.002-06:00

Sunburned walks around Lake Calhoun with a picnic just when my feet need a rest.
Breakfast at Spyhouse (or banana milkshakes way too late at night).
That little Italian place we stumbled upon once...I live in NYC and still haven't found anything that comes close to it.
Good, new music and the way he would sing really high with his hat backwards and I would just laugh because nothing I could do would stop him.
The way she sang as she got ready, always smelled like tangerines, and always seemed happy, even when she wasn't.
Her apartment, which later became our apartment, and how peaceful it was....and how she was so real and in touch with who she was.
Hikes....long ones that made your lungs burn, and bike rides around lake Bemidji.
Studying around the lake and in some obscure corner in the back of the library.
How it always felt like home....

2008-01-19T22:24:00.000-06:00

So the boy pretty much got his dream job, just when I was ready to leave this city for my family and a place where the roads are wider, the houses are bigger, and life is slower.
He's working for a magazine for professional athletes as an assistant managing editor - telling people what to do, talking with former pro baseball players on a regular basis. The girl doesn't even have to ask - we won't be moving in June. It wouldn't be fair....and home wouldn't be home without him.
So we will stay, for now, and make New York home.
But I will fly home more....call more....be there as much as I can and when I'm here, be here, knowing it was a choice.

2008-01-12T18:35:00.000-06:00

He told her she "had a fat stomach".
"I've lost weight since we've been together," she said, defending herself in a defense that shouldn't have been necessary.
"It must be all muscle tone," he replied.
And she walked out - too afraid to cry in front of him.
Why do girls stay with guys like this???

2008-01-07T17:38:00.000-06:00

Life in slow motion
Somehow it don't feel real
David Grey

One of my kids' moms died today. He's forced to move to Rhode Island to live with his dad. She was 39. He's only 11. I don't know what I would do without my mom. I would be so lost. I can't stop crying...for him....for her....for the way life is for my kids and the fact that there's only so much we can do to change it.
"You'll always be my student," I told him today as he left.
"I know," he said.
"So you better do well. I expect it."
He smiled. Laughed.
I just held back tears.

2008-01-02T20:10:00.000-06:00

Rental car and gas because flight was cancelled - $1,000
One way ticket back for me, the Boy, and the Dog - $450
The drive from New York to Kansas - 22 hours + 1 closed interstate
Being home for Christmas with family that I missed oh so much....Priceless :)

2007-12-18T19:05:00.000-06:00

It has been too long since I have been out of this city.
The noise and rude people (many times I am one....so not how I was raised...) and tourists everywhere and waiting for busses and trains and lines EVERYWHERE are really getting on my nerves.
I need to go home. To a place where it does not take forever to run simple errands, where I do not have to walk everywhere when it is windy and icy, and where people are nice. (I will probably need to get rid of my New York attitude...)
4 more days....and then, a return, although there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Whoever thought I would be so.....tired?

Christmas in Kansas

2007-12-08T14:22:00.000-06:00

She's up to my sister's waist (at only 3...) and still has that smile to die for...

Updated pictures on my favorite little girl.

Thanksgiving, According To The Boy

2007-11-26T20:42:00.000-06:00

Since he took the time to write the post and put up the pictures, you can read about (and see) our incredible food on his blog.

2007-11-25T21:11:00.000-06:00

I was raised with Thanksgivings full of people, food, and chatter that never died down. Even if I wasn't part of any conversation, there was comfort in simply being around dozens of people that knew everything about me...
This Thanksgiving I think about returning to all of that and I can't help but realize that my priorities are shifting. This city and the dream of living here are not what they used to be and I am ready to return to the chatter...the relationships...and a little girl who is old enough to realize that I am never around.

The Truth

2007-11-15T18:49:00.000-06:00

Spoken to a friend over the phone today...preparing myself for June, knowing how hard goodbyes will be.
"Some will graduate, some will go to different settings, and the ones that are left....are going to feel betrayed and abandoned." I said.
It was the first time I had ever admitted that to myself.
Betrayed. Abandoned.
Today they prayed before their Social Studies test. 4 of them formed a circle and held hands. They unite at the most important times. "Lord, let us do well today. Ms. G says we are ready and she believes in us. Make us stay calm and do good. Let Ms. G see us graduate and go to prom. We know she gonna cry! And we will too. Can I get a amen?"
How do I make them understand? How do I keep them from feeling like I lied to them?
Most of all, how do I justify leaving kids that are so much...mine? In my mind the decision has already been made, but my heart breaks every time I think about them ever finding out.

BBQ, Sunflowers, and the World's Cutest Niece

2007-11-12T13:46:00.000-06:00

Applying for a new job means filling out placement surveys.
1st choice: New York City. It's probably where I would be placed, should I get the job. I taught here. They know me. I know people here. It makes sense.
2nd choice: Kansas City. Never ever in my life did I think I would volunteer to go back to the state where I grew up. But there's something about the possiblity of watching a little girl grow up, if only for a little while, that appeals to me. Maybe I won't get the job. Maybe I'll get placed in New York. Maybe I'll get my third choice, or my fourth....or maybe I'm supposed to go back.

2007-11-10T19:44:00.000-06:00

The Boy's contract at Parade is up, so we are again living on one income.
Last time it was only for a week or so. Hopefully this time it will be the same.
With Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up, I'm reminded of how expensive this city is, and how little we've actually saved, and how much tension money, or knowing there's not enough, can bring to a house.

2007-11-05T19:15:00.000-06:00

Has anybody else seen that commercial where the cookie turns in to a car?
Seriously.
I don't get it.
It came on tonight and the Boy was like, mmm, cookies, and I go, just wait it turns it to a car.
And it did.
It was hilarious.
Maybe you had to be there.
Or maybe not.
The cookie does turn in to a car, after all.

Mice Are Not My Friends

2007-11-04T20:29:00.000-06:00

But yet they seem to really like our apartment.
We have put steel wool down holes, duct taped them shut, and put out numerous traps. We clean all the time and don't leave out food.
But alas, we live in New York City. And it's getting cold. Which means mice season. Eew.
Today, as I was making myself some delicious cornbread to go with my yummy veggie chili that the boy and I slow cooked all day, I saw something run across the top of the toaster oven out of the corner of my eye. Mind you, I am terrified of mice, and think I always see them.
'Just make your cornbread, it's nothing' I told myself.
Then, it ran across the counter and behind the stove, in all of it's grey, furry, long tailed glory.
I left the room just as fast as it had scurried under the stove.
"There'samouseinthekitchenandI'mgoingtopeemypants," I told the boy. "Go catch it."
"What?" he asked.
"There'samouseinthekitchenandI'mgoingtopeemypants," I told the boy. "Go catch it. Hurry, before it comes in here."
And, being the knight in shining armor he is, he did, and he trapped it, but then neither one of us know what you do with a trapped mouse, and before we could figure it out (me yelling from the other room, feet up on the couch), it escaped to under the stove.
Oy. I will not miss all the rodents when we leave this city.

Crossroads

2007-11-02T15:33:00.000-05:00

I've been asked to consider going on staff with TFA. 2 years ago I would not have considered this. 2 months ago I wouldn't really have even considered it. I wanted to teach a 3rd year. I wanted to see my original group of 3rd graders graduate. I wanted to have tenure here before moving on to something else. My fear is that once I leave the classroom I will never return, and that 2 years of classroom experience simply isn't enough to do what I want to do.
But then I teach at this school where now, even when my kids have improved so much, I find myself hating going to work everyday. My para has not shown up since the beginning of October, and in September she missed 4 days. She was supposed to come back Wednesday of this week, then called and said it would be Friday, then called and said it would be November 12th. Yeah, we don't have school on November 12th. About 2 weeks in to this whole fiasco I was lucky to find a good sub who filled in for the rest of the absence, but she has now worked over 30 days so the school, according to Union contract, has to hire her permanently. She's good with the kids, has a college degree, the kids love her....perfect hire, right? Not at my school. They thanked her for her service and told her not to come back, after telling her they were going to hire her. They defend all the wrong people. They worry about the wrong things. We teach kids to take tests, and then fire teachers if their kids don't pass them. Teachers are held to an unbelieveable degree of accountable with tracking sheets and data and posters and bulletin boards having to be done just a certain way. Then there's all of this "support staff" that gets paid way more that sits around, drinks coffee, and eats sandwhiches from the bodega.
This system is incredibly broken, and my school, despite the efforts of so many hard working, dedicated teachers, is a big ball of political red tape. (By the way, our principal's kids go to private school in Jersey.) I'm so incredibly frustrated....and jaded.....and I don't know if I want to do this for another year.
It's not about can, or should - it's about want. Where do I want to be? Where will I be the most effective? For the first time since I joined TFA, I'm finally seeing the big picture and thinking that maybe I would be more effective outside the classroom. A majority of my kids will be graduated or in different settings by the end of next year, and I would have to find a way to stay in touch with those that weren't. Maybe a monthly reading group at McDonalds or something. And as for where my career would lead, in the classroom or out, I really don't know. I can't teach special ed in the Bronx forever. My heart invests too much and I get too frustrated at administration that doesn't communicate and systems that continually fail, even when I've done my best to fix them. Maybe I will teach again somewhere else. Maybe even in this city at a different school. Maybe my heart will get the best of me and I'll stay at my school for another year....but right about now I feel like moving forward....moving my kids forward....preparing them for me to leave....and then....just....leaving.

2007-10-27T19:40:00.000-05:00

Feel like a captain
Sailing out to sea
And all I carry
Are these memories
The ship is sinking
And there's no way home
And it's got nothing
No it's got nothing to do
With the realization
I'm losing you
And all the people
That I know
They all tell me
Just goes to show
That no matter where you are
You're still alone
Bob Schneider

I need to go home. I need to play with my niece and sleep in a room where it's quiet and dark and hug my mom and eat food grown by my dad and just get out of this city.
Christmas is too far away.

Then....And Now....And She Only Keeps Growing

2007-10-21T09:35:00.000-05:00

So my little girl is not so little any more.

She sings Carrie Underwood and Beyonce and when I tell her I love her more she says, "I love you to the MOUNTAINS!!!"

Here she is with pumpkins and my parents' dog. Check out the change in just 2 years...

The Joys of Travel

2007-10-19T18:14:00.000-05:00

So it is not as easy as one thinks to get in and out of this city we now live in.
When I first moved here I thought, 'It will be so easy to fly in and out of NYC.'
Yeah, not so much.
It's hard to get to and from the airport. It's hard to get flights and decent times of the day, and even when you do get a flight, 90% of the time it's not going to leave on time - too much air traffic, especially out of Laguardia.
This weekend the Boy and I spent oodles of time trying to figure out when we were going home for Christmas, how long we would stay, how time would be divided between families, etc, etc.
We finaly figured it out, found a ticket that would work, and then forgot to buy the tickets. Now, 5 days later, the tickets have gone up $100.
So we just spent our Friday night rearranging our trip.
Now we're coming back New Years Eve (because it's $100 cheaper). I have an awful feeling about flying back here on New Years Eve, so keep your fingers crossed for me, the Boy, and our little Jack...
And if you come to visit, get your tickets way ahead of time, and fly with lots of patience!!!

If Our Lives Were A Reality Show...

2007-10-04T20:40:00.000-05:00

This would have been a scene.
After a 14 hour day at school, the Boy and I were sitting down to dinner and the conversation turned to a friend of his who seems to always end up having short relationships with girls with whom he has had one night stands. When discussing the reasoning behind this pattern, the Boy laments,
"He always gets the milk without having to buy the cow!"
I stab him with my fork.
"I never saw any commission off of the purchase of this cow!" I replied.
"You're a skinny cow," he responded.
"Seriously, I can't believe you said that," I scolded, with a few more stabs.
He claimed they hurt, giggling all the while.
"No, but you know what I mean. He gets the good stuff without having to deal with all the intimacy stuff."
"WHAT?!" I exclaimed!
Now the fork rests on the plate, for fear that the next stab actually may hurt him.
"No, you know what I mean," he says.
"Yeah, I'm an expensive cow," I reply.
Boy takes a big bite of his soy chicken nugget.
"You better chew real slow and think of something super nice to say because you have two big strikes against you," I warn.
He spent the rest of the night trying to defend his analogy, but really....milk...not having to pay for the cow? Come on now.

2007-09-22T15:56:00.000-05:00

I need to blog more...so much has happened since last time that there's no way to catch people up on everything.
The "New Boy" and I celebrated our year anniversary last weekend. I guess that makes him not the 'New Boy' any more? We had a picnic in Central Park with sushi, champagne, chocolate covered strawberries, and our little Jack :)
School has started and it's so different than last year, but the start is exhausting all the same. I talk to people that aren't teachers and their weekends are spent watching football, making stew, or baking apple pies. I spend my weekend doing grad school work or grading or planning. This is my last year of grad school, and the further we get in to the year, the better the planning will be, but I long for the apple picking, pumpkin pie baking, walks in Central Park kind of fall.
Life vs. teaching. It's a decision I'll struggle with as long as I'm teaching in this kind of setting, I fear. Teaching as life will not last forever. I love my kids, but once they're gone, it may just be time for a career and life pace change.

Shakespeare in the Park

2007-08-16T10:52:00.000-05:00

A NYC summer tradition and some of the best free entertainment around :)

A Dog's Life

2007-08-12T18:53:00.000-05:00

Check out Jack's blog!

http://www.adogslife-jack.blogspot.com/

Here we are today on his first day of puppy kindergarten!

More pics later...grad school is taking up SO much time, ick!

In

2007-07-26T16:04:00.000-05:00

Thanks to the help of friends, a UHaul, and finally living in a building with an elevator, our stuff is in our apartment. After a trip to Target and driving the truck back to the Bronx, we came back, cleared a place for the bed, took a cold shower (broken boiler), ate sushi (who knows where the dishes are?) and crashed for a short night (poor New Boy had to work today).

We are living in mountains of boxes. Jack loves it. Tons and tons of stuff to chew on, then even more stuff to hide behind when I yell at him for chewing on things. Puppy heaven, human hell.

Tonight it's pasta and veggies for dinner. An attempt at bringing some kind of normalcy to the chaos, and something I can do without feeling super, incredibly overwhelmed....

(Pardon the bad pics...they're from my phone. The camera is in a box...somewhere. The cord for the camera is in another box....somewhere.)

Changes

2007-07-24T22:07:00.000-05:00

Well, I put so much thought into getting ready
Now I know that was the best part
It’s so easy to get caught up in what I’m regretting
Forget what I got from a wounded heart
I’m the one who likes Gardenia
I’m the one who likes to make love on the floor
I don’t want to hang up the phone yet
It’s been good
Getting to know me more
I’ve been seeing all my old friends in the city
Walking alone in Central Park
Doing all the things that I’ve neglected
Traded ‘em all in
To be in your arms
Well, I hear my own voice
Sounds so silly
Keep on telling my story all around
Everything I lost seems so different
Well, this is how everybody gets found
Mandy Moore

Tomorrow we move. Tomorrow I live with the New Boy. 362 days ago the Old Boy and I were still together. What a difference a year makes. He's living with his new girl, too. Funny how the friendship is still there. How we can still laugh...and talk...and how I can still silently cry to him on the phone when life here is too much, and how somehow he always convinces me that this is where I need to be and that everything will work out with the New Boy and the New Apartment and Jack...and it always does.
It's scary...the transition. The combining of stuff and two names on a lease and sharing of a puppy and his family that I so very much would love to be a part of some day....there's a fear that all of the stress and stupid things will drive us apart instead of bringing us together. I'm one of the most stubborn people I know...even when you're right I'll never let you know it...So I listen over and over to a song that reminds me of driving around in the car with Julie A and Minneapolis and lakes and I'm not sure why all of the sudden the change is so scary. It just....is.
Send us good energy as we learn to live together :)

Sneak Peak

2007-06-24T20:05:00.000-05:00

Sleeping in until after 10 because it was Sunday and we could and my can'tstopthinkingaboutschool brain really needed to. The New Boy getting up to make the most incredible breakfast ever (banana pancakes and soy sausage and soy bacon and eggs and hashbrowns and 100% organic maple syrup...), then reading the New York Times to the sound of our city out the window. He helped me grade papers as we flipped between the Food Network and the Yankees game.
It was nothing spectacular. In fact, for the most part the day was full of grading and school paper work, but it was us, and soon that's how every Sunday will be.
Something about that makes me look forward to forever...

I Feel Like Julia Roberts

2007-06-16T11:10:00.000-05:00

We slept here, and ate here and here and ordered room service (for the first time ever...I kind of felt like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, only without the prositute part). I had a massage/body scrub and facial and manicure at the spa and we gambled (also, for me, the first time ever) and I won $80 on some Garfield nickle slot game. (And I left with $50 of it...not a true gambler...sorry mom! Dad, you would be proud.)
We're here for the New Boy's job. He's writing a story on the resort and I got to come along. He's been golfing, a lot, and I've been at the spa, a lot. It's so quiet here, and people are nice and there's space and it doesn't smell like garbage.
I wish we could stay forever.
Too bad this room costs $400 a night....Plus that crowded, smelly, loud city is our home where lives and friends and a future wait for us.
But today the only thing that waits is food...and spa...and stillness.
Everybody should have a weekend like this at least once in their life...

Transitions

2007-05-28T19:10:00.001-05:00

New dishes (acutally, just dishes period because we don't have any) and a comforter and stuff for our puppy that is still in Nebraska (sad). Here's a pic of him after his first bath. Not quite sure what to think...

We spent Saturday at the Botanical Gardens and then yesterday just doing...nothing, because sometimes all of the running around is exhausting.

Spending more and more time together not because it's calculated but because it's just how it happens.

I haven't eaten dinner without him since last Sunday and tonight my food didn't taste the same. It might be because I dumped the noodles in the sink (bad habit, Kamran?), or it might be because he wasn't here.

2 more months....

We're ready now.

2007-05-13T18:41:00.000-05:00

I’ve never felt so excited about the direction my life was going in.
Not career or school or a specific day or event but life.
My future with this Boy (Man), our puppy, and whatever else life brings. I’ve never had the experience of moving forward with someone. It was always pulling someone along, torn between different dreams and desires…this time is different, and it’s exciting :)

2007-05-04T21:36:00.000-05:00

It was one of those days where you don't want to sleep alone and after a friend's birthday party, when I was already half way to his house, I realized, he's only 10 minutes away....not 4 hours, and even after 8 months this being near is still an adjustment, so I called, "Can I come over?"
Sharing a day in person is so much better than over the phone and I thanked him for letting me sleep with the smell of his pillows and the comfort of everything that is his, and without hesitation he said, "You're just filling your spot in our bed."
The bed that will be mine...and his in 3 months.
And a puppy that is waiting for us half way across the country...
Thank God for balance in my life.

2007-04-26T17:45:00.000-05:00

There are children standing here,
Arms outstretched into the sky,
But no one asks the question why,
He has been here.
Old men kneel and accept their fate.
Wives and daughters cut and raped.
A generation drenched in hate.
Yes, he has been here.
James Blunt

Dear George Bush,
Glad to see that you came to Harlem. Next time please come to a school that isn't doing so well so you can see what your policies are doing to your education system and your country.
The future citizens of this country spend their days beating the crap out of each other, eating cheetos and drinking cheap soda. They're either overweight or underweight and they're almot all academically behind where they should be for their age. There are 13 year olds in the 3rd grade. They don't know any different because it's all they've ever seen. Their teachers work 60 hours a week in jobs where they are routinely physically and verbally abused.
Where will we be in 30 years when these students are in charge of raising kids and running our country? Maybe you should worry less about publicity and more about trying to change something.
Sincerely,
Ms. G

2007-04-10T12:44:00.000-05:00

There's something in your eyes that makes me smile
David Grey

It feels so right to build a life with him. To support and be supported. To laugh and talk and enjoy the company of someone who understands me so well for having known me for such a short time.
I took my sweaters out of my closet today. People are beginning to wear only jackets...no more scarves or gloves. It's spring....which means it's closer to summer....and in the summer my home and his home will be the same place :)

2007-03-25T15:57:00.000-05:00

It's always have and never hold
You've begun to feel like home
What's mine is yours to leave or take
What's mine is yours to make your own
The Fray

Looking at couches and rescuing wine racks from the curb (the New Boy, not me.)
Talking about budgets and puppies and who would clean the toilet.
Lives are merging.
In 4 months our names will be on the same lease.
:)

2007-03-12T16:44:00.000-05:00

Our current reading/writing unit is poetry. My kids are super in to it, and at the beginning of the unit I brought in some of my writing to share with them. One of the pieces I brought in was a poem I had to write as part of a 'getting to know you' exercise at institute this past summer about the little moments where we come from.
I couldn't help but be reminded of it yesterday as I talked to my niece on the phone. She, in all of her 2 year old glory, laid on the bed, her feet propped up against the wall, and told me an elaborate story about how she was flying a plane with her brother and sister (imaginary, mind you) and saying hello to me as I sat on the clouds. Every story she tells me has something to do with planes. It has a lot to do with the fact that she thinks I live at the airport. Who's to blame her? It's where she's picked me up and dropped me off every time I've come to visit. To her it means I live there. To me it means I'm gone too much....

I'm From...
I'm from snow day secrets
Broken trees and duct tape
From an 'I'll never tell' bond stronger than the blood
That made us sisters

I'm from family get togethers
Cake, laughter, and enough food to feed an army
From unconditional love and support and a group of people
That will forever be my home

*We only had 5 minutes to write...maybe someday I'll finish it...*

Girls Night Out

2007-03-02T23:37:00.000-06:00

Bad service and a 50 minute wait even with reservations can't beat laughter and endless amounts of chocolate at what is still one of our favorite restaurants in NYC.
We ate asparagus and fondue and made sparks as we tried to boil water (Dad, you don't even want to know) in moments where we were much too much like our students. We talked about boys and life and love and....not school. We're becoming friends, not collegues, and after nine months, these people finally know me. They know the me here. The Boy here. The life here. It's weird, to feel as if I've been reinvented, yet to feel somehow like I haven't changed, knowing all the while I have.
Every minute of every day is a battle, for all of us. I've been hardened. I've let myself be hardened, not just by the city, but by my job, the city, the breakup with the Old Boy, the distance from my family...the choices that I've made and the questions that ultimately come with sacrifice.
We're all in the same boat. We're fighting to stay who we were before all of this but know that that person is already gone. So instead we're trying to help eachother learn how to leave school at school...to learn that the weekend starts at 2:50 on Fridays and we have first names and we are friends and daughters and girlfriends and sisters and people.
Tonight we succeeded at being people - together. We did not talk about school, and we didn't have to make an effort not to talk about school, it just happened. We are building lives...together.
Hooray for bad service, 50 minute waits, too much chocolate, New Boys, Old Boys, Friday nights, evolution of self, and friends with whom to share the experience.

2007-02-26T21:48:00.000-06:00

I've waited and I'll wait some more
Won't see me knocking on another door
But all this is crazy and amazing
There's only one half of us that I'm saving
So I'm praying just to let it go
Watch from a distance just to see you glow
Mat Kearney

It's so nice to cook and vent together after stressful days. To laugh and relax and realize at the end of the night that bad moods have faded because of the mere presence of the other person.

As I walked home with the snow crunching beneath my feet I couldn't help but think of how odd it is that to my family and most of my friends (all except the NYC bunch), this boy (man, Jakeus) is a complete stranger.
That needs to change.

2007-02-23T16:13:00.000-06:00

How quickly things fall apart when two stubborn, strong willed people come together in a relationship.
We realized that the argument was a stupid one. That the connection we shared meant too much to walk away over something so trivial, but unlike the Old Boy, the New Boy does not back down in trivial, stupid situations. Neither do I. So we broke up. Didn't call, or text, or email, except to find a time to exchange our stuff.
Even I, in all of my stubbornness, knew it would not be that easy, and it wasn't.
In between the exchange of paper bags was a conversation. It's one thing to walk away when you know it should be over. It's another thing to walk away over such a stupid argument. Luckily, this time, his stuff stayed at my house, and my stuff went back to his.

Stuff

2007-02-18T09:20:00.000-06:00

In the end it came down to stuff. His and mine. His stuff at my house and my stuff at his house and how we would get it back.
5 months of lives coming together are symbolized by toothbrushes and pajamas and books and food and the occasional dress shirt or pair of socks. Yesterday he forgot his shoes.
It took 157 days to come together. It took 20 minutes for me to put it all in 2 paper bags that now sit by the front door waiting to be returned.
It can’t be this easy. There’s too much that’s being avoided – too much focus put on extra contact cases and ½ empty bags of trail mix and toothbrushes that aren’t needed at our own apartments anyway.

2007-02-17T19:46:00.000-06:00

So the New Boy is gone.
At least I think so.
I can't decide if I want him to be or not. Does my indecision mean I should fight for him or let him go? Do I really love him or just the place he fills in my life? Not knowing is scary and seems really unfair to him. Can you really love somebody after 6 months? Love grows...evolves...and we are growing, and evolving, so why does it feel so easy to walk away sometimes?
I don't think I believe in the kind of love I used to believe in. I think I believed in movie love. Love song love. Chick flick love.
There is a kind of love where you feel appreciated, supported, protected, and unconditionally accepted. I felt that with the Old Boy, but also don't feel like we're supposed to be together anymore, so then can you love more than one person in your life?
Do you marry someone just because you met at the right stage in your lives?
I don't know how to casually date. I don't think I want to. It's time to be alone for a while, I think. Focus on friends and career and family and this city and realize that someday all of this will happen again...

Reason Why

2007-02-17T19:39:00.000-06:00

I think about how it might have been
We'd spend our days travelin'
It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me the way you wanted me
So, I will head out alone, hope for the best
And we hang our heads down
As we skip the goodbyes
And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there
Rachel Yamagata

2007-02-13T17:42:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow would have been the 3rd anniversary with the Old Boy. We never really celebrated it as an anniversary. We thought it was corny. We didn't really even celebrate Valentines day. Instead we ate pizza and spent time together and built a tradition that was so very us.
Tomorrow I'll be spending the night with a new boy, who is now The Boy. First sushi, then Carnegie Hall (to see the Minnesota Symphony, of all things...) It's a different life, the one here, with the New Boy. Not better, or worse, but different...who I am...now. Evolution is a good thing.
So much has changed in a year. We're both happy, I think. So are the New Boy and the New Girl. Who'd have thought? Happy Valentines Day, Old Boy. I think that for the rest of my life, pizza on February 14th will make me think of you...

Aaliyah

2007-02-06T18:02:00.000-06:00

Playing with Papa on the stairs....our "little" girl who isn't little anymore...

Mushrooms

2007-02-06T17:54:00.000-06:00

Tonight as I was making dinner I couldn't remember whether or not the Old Boy liked mushrooms.
My mom doesn't. Laura doesn't. My roomate doesn't. The New Boy does.
But what about the Old Boy? I was with him for 2 and a half years. How could I not remember that?
I thought and thought and thought and before I knew it I was cutting mushrooms and crying because I couldn't remember whether he liked them or not.
I called him.
We needed to talk about my grandpa's death and funeral and school and his new job and our lives now, without eachother...to have a good conversation, like we usually do, because it had been incredibly too long since we'd had one of those.
Instead I asked him if he liked mushrooms and danced around all of the other issues as I tried over and over to swallow the lump in my throat.
He does...by the way....like them.
Not corn, or ham, or Bud Light. But mushrooms, he likes.
The real conversation will just have to wait until I can actually have a real conversation without crying.

Sunday Morning

2007-02-04T12:50:00.000-06:00

Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
Maroon 5

Things return to normal, or the new normal...now.
I still don't sleep right and walk around in a haze of half asleep/half awake all the time. That will return to normal soon, I'm sure.
The New Boy has been amazing. There has been lots of sushi, chocolate, and just....being.
There are still random crying moments. Maybe there always will be.
There are also lots of I want to go home moments. As in the home with 800 people and lots of little cows and my favorite 2 year old. It's easy to hide there...not have to explain who I am or who he was or why certain things remind me of him because people just know.
It will get better....
Time to go make spinach/artichoke dip.
To the New Boy and his friends, the Superbowl is like a national holiday. They spent all weekend preparing for this party. It's going to be huge. I'm not used to all of this. I'm just waiting for the day the Yankees make it to the World Series. The party may last all year. Goodness.

2007-01-20T16:26:00.000-06:00

They were married for 57 years.
He's dying.
All she can do is sit beside him and hold his hand and itch his nose for him.
My family is gathered in a room...together...celebrating life and preparing for death and getting ready for the transition that is bound to happen any day now and I am thousands of miles away.
I chose this for myself.
There's nothing I could do even if I was there.
"Go on with your life, we'll keep you updated," they say, and so I do.
I make chocolate chip/banana/walnut pancakes and clean the living room and get ready to go out to dinner but in the middle I cry. Randomly. Sometimes for a few seconds. Other times for half an hour. Always by myself...no one here knows because I haven't found the strength to tell them.
It makes me long for home. The one with only 800 people but all of my family...my family that will soon be 1 member smaller.
The last time I saw him he squeezed my hand and begged me to stay. As I left I cried, filled with guilt for being so far away and not seeing him more and not staying longer when I did see him and knowing that this could be the last time I see him and...and....and...
It was.

2007-01-11T20:11:00.000-06:00

Tonight she played.
The Old Boy took the New Girl. It didn't make me mad or jealous or even phase me until tonight when I was listening to her CD and imagining her playing in bare feet with a smile on her face and that little bounce she has that comes from the pure passion inside of her heart that I got sad. Not because of him or her or even her but everything...snow and Minneapolis and Evergreen and Spyhouse and the lakes and old friends and....and....and....
I haven't felt like this for a long time. This starting over worked, but it doesn't mean that the old life is gone. It's who I was, and a part of who I still am, and I still miss it sometimes, like tonight, when she's playing, and I would love to be there with her, and him, maybe not her, but I'm glad that he has her, and that I have someone, too, and that we're both happy.
Our breakup and this move and starting over and chasing dreams didn't get the best of us.
We're still friends...good friends. I'm proud of us for that.

Looking Back - - Moving Forward

2007-01-01T18:01:00.000-06:00

It was not the Times Square/crazy/ultimate New York City experience I wanted it to be.
I was not surrounded by 2 million people. There were no crazy 2007 glasses or thunder sticks or confetti.
Instead I drank champagne and laughed with the New Boy and his friends and my friends as the hours melted in to each other. I couldn't help but think about how much I'd learned over the last year. About myself and life...about change and how sometimes it's so needed but how it must be forced upon your heart and mind and how even when the change happens, sometimes the adjustment must also be forced. How dreams don't always feel like you thought they would, especially not at first, but it doesn't mean you should give up on them. How goodbyes are painful but sometimes needed, and how the space between goodbyes and hellos can be incredibly lonely.
Somewhere around 4 am it hit me that somehow I managed to find yet another group of people who support me and make me feel at home. So many people never find 1 such group. This is my third. I'm so incredibly lucky.
The high of happiness and bubbles from champagne and the excitement that still comes just from being here kept us awake until 6 am.
5 hours later we awoke to begin the new day...to prepare for students - to set goals, clean apartments, cleanse bodies, and rest minds. Tomorrow I see my babies again :)

The Long Way Home

2006-12-19T18:15:00.000-06:00

Nearly 3 years in the making...

The phone calls and the letters of loved ones
Always prying and implying that when
The stormy sides of dreams arrive
I feel the consequences hit
I've tried to explain
But the right words feel wrong
Big mistakes fill the well when the love is gone
And now there is crying and good-bying
Red Wanting Blue

The first holiday without him. Not that he was physically there for all of them, but he was there, on the phone, in stories...in my life. He, as in the old boy. They were Brandon fans, a lot of them, and rightly so. I never actually told them we broke up. (Thanks, mom, for doing it for me.) She never actually told them why, and I danced around the issue to the point where I'm going home to lots of questions and things I don't want to talk about. It was about so much and nothing all at the same time but you don't just end 2 and a half years over nothing so it has to be something...
They deserve an explanation, more than the one I give my niece of, "Brandon went bye bye but he loves you and we can call him."
My actions and relationships affect other people. They will not be meeting this new boy for quite some time...

Happy

2006-12-17T20:26:00.000-06:00

Dinner at Afghani restaurants where you bring your own wine and talk about life and boys and the past and the future and the present and how you're so glad it's here, with each other, now, with candles and Christmas and taxis and New York all around you.
Rockafeller Center and new red sweaters and $2 cotton candy and girls nights out that end with more giggles on the train.
Brunch with this new boy that tops off a weekend full of Christmas shopping in which I found everything I needed to get before I fly to KS for Christmas with myfavoritepersoninthewholewideworld.
A warm apartment that smells like stir fry and candles and a bed with new fluffy sheets and cookies from a mom that still sends them even though I'm a grown up and should make them myself (I don't because she sends them and hers are so much better...)
I'm happy here.
My job is insane but I love my kids. I can't imagine not teaching them...
I miss the old boy sometimes but am over him, I think. We, at this point in time, are not right for each other.
I miss Minneapolis sometimes, but am finding more and more things I would miss about New York if I left, and meeting more and more people I would miss as well.
This is life, and I'm starting to love it here.
I started over, again, and made it, at least I think so.
Not that there will not be ups and downs as there are in life, but the 'put me on a plane and get me out of this city' adjustment period is over.
This was my dream.
It came true :)

The New Boy

2006-12-03T19:19:00.000-06:00

I forgot what it's like in the beginning.
When you're understood just enough to be comfortable with all of the newness.
When 2 or 3 days apart feels like forever and 'I miss you's' come genuinely after an hour or even less...
So much makes me think of him...golf and sushi and Target and cigarettes (long story) and Nebraska and football and books and I could go on and on and on...
It's been 3 months. I forgot what this felt like. I'm enjoying it this time, knowing that the ultimate comfort that experiencing things together brings will come soon enough and that this new, 'can't get enough of you stage' will never happen again and that, should this last, there will be days we long for this.
I'm not sure if this is forever, or even for a while, but for right now it's making me a very happy girl...
Hhmm...

Little City Meets Big City

2006-12-03T09:48:00.000-06:00

When this girl discovers that she can listen to acoustic sunrise online. It was (and still is) her favorite way to wake up on Sunday mornings.
She doesn't even really miss that the old boy is not here in the bed with her, even though a part of her still loves him...progress, she thinks.
An old friend...a Bemidji friend...is in town. Time for brunch and reminiscing about Elmo stickers and a broken engagement and nights where things could have ended up very differently...
This is her home now, this is her life, and the restless 'can't wait to leave' feeling she had 2 months ago is slowly fading into nothing.

2006-11-27T15:49:00.000-06:00

Honey why you calling me so late?
It's kinda hard to talk right now.
Honey why are you crying? Is everything okay?
I gotta whisper 'cause I can't be too loud
Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice
Hinder

Unpacking to a CD from him...the "Julie Groove" full of complicated break up/glad you were in my life songs.
Songs I'm sure he put together a month ago when things between us were very different.
Still, in spite of the tears they bring, they're nice to hear.
There is still something very real between us. He is still the best friend I've ever had and he knows me better than anyone.
But there is a new boy, and for him a new girl, and new relationships that become more serious by the day and lives that move forward in different directions and a past that is full of good memories,but memories just the same.

In the meanwhile the new boy is figuring me out. 'I'm thinking about you' texts and chocolate and red wine and suprises and hugs and coming over even when I'm not assertive enough to tell him that's what I want him to do.
The second time around is much much different and my heart realizes that it's once again falling for something and someone it didn't plan on.

It was...

2006-11-26T14:07:00.000-06:00

intense.
I haven't had the time I need to process and even when I do I'm not sure how much of it will go here.
There was no snow, but there was time with Bill and Laura and roadtrips and all my favorite places to hang out.
There was laughter but also tears, play and relaxation but also conversations that probably should have happened 6 months ago.
No one can make me angry like he can. I'm sure he'd say the same about me.
No one can hurt me like he can. Again, I'm sure he'd say the same thing about me.
There are many things about this new dimension to us that need to still be defined, like why that little place in his neck still fits my head perfectly when I hug him.
I may always love him, and he may always love me, but we may spend the rest of our life loving and being in love with other people.
I haven't figured out how to deal with that yet.

I Want...

2006-11-20T19:24:00.000-06:00

For it to snow in Minneapolis. The kind of snow that coats the roads and cars and looks like glitter as it comes down.
To drive. A lot. To anywhere.
To laugh and play and relax with this boy who is still such an important part of my life in spite of the fact that we have both moved on.
To see Laura and Bill and Charlie and feel more at home than I have since the day I left.
To sleep without dreams of students.
To not hear chicken noodle soup or smell french fries for four whole days.
My other family, the ones who's blood pumps through my heart and veins everyday, to know that no matter where I am part of me is always torn and missing the food and rowdy kids and crowded houses that make up our holidays.

2006-11-18T09:09:00.000-06:00

Spring 2006 was probably the happiest and most balanced I've ever been in my entire life.
I loved nannying and Minneapolis and green grass and parades and a boy and the life we had built together.
I built a sanctuary in my little apartment and was making a life I could have been happy living for a very long time. The weather got warmer and we got closer and things were falling in place like we'd always known they could.
Then I left, for a new life and a new job and a new city and, eventually, a new boy.
His life went on there, and now he too is "in a relationship" (I hate myspace relationship classifications...) I'm realizing what I've always known - that he's really not a good friend. He does not call or email or write...he disappears for days or weeks on end, and the fact that there is a new girl means I can only be a friend...someone else to disappear from.
In 4 days I'm going back, although I'm not sure to what.
Could life ever be like it was then? Was it a moment in time that will not happen again? Will I build it here, with the new boy? Will I build it somewhere else, by myself?
Why am I spending a holiday in this place with someone I once loved but who is now so very different?
Can we be friends? Hang out, talk, laugh, have fun, and be with other people at the end of the day?
We're about to find out...

2006-11-12T18:45:00.000-06:00

If everything’s falling, if everything’s changed
If I’m in the open, if I’m in the way
What am I doing here
If you’re not with me
What have I got to live for, if it’s just my own dream
Take it back to the beginning, back to the start
When gravity’s pulling, you’re still holding my heart
Mat Kearney

Starting over after 5 months.
Letting him go...really letting him go...for the first time in the 3 years I've known him.
Realizing that my own dream was enough before him and it will be enough after him.
That there will be others...there are others. They will not be him, and they will not replace him and that's okay because I'm getting to the point where he doesn't need to be replaced. I'm okay with what we're becoming, even if I'm not sure what that is yet, and okay with knowing that someday he will not be my best friend anymore. He will not be the person I call for good and bad days, Aaliyah will not ask about him anymore, and our lives will move on without the other and I will be okay.
I'll be better than okay. I'll be strong and independent and living and working for things I believe in and hopefully he will too.

Floating

2006-11-08T18:59:00.000-06:00

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon ball
Damien Rice

It's all so complicated that it's simple. So many emotions and what if's and could have been's and might be's that there's nothing to do except live for today.
Still I can't help but feel like I'm in between lives...

2006-11-05T10:07:00.000-06:00

He's dating someone else.
I spent over $400 on a plane ticket there for Thanksgiving.
It takes more strength than I have to trust fate.

2006-10-22T19:45:00.000-05:00

the first time that i met her i was throwing up in a ladies room stall.
she asked me if i needed anything
i said i think i spilled my drink.
and that's how it started.
(or so i'd like to believe)
she took me to her mother's house outside of town
where the stars hang down.
she said she'd never seen someone so lost.
i said i'd never felt so found.
and then i kissed her on the cheek.
and so she kissed me on the mouth.
oh oh oh oh.
spring was popping daises around rusted trucks and busted lawn chairs.
we moved into a studio in council bluffs to save a couple of bucks.
where the mice came out at night.
neighbors were screaming all the time.
we'd make love in the afternoon to chelsea girls and bachelor number 2.
i'd play for her some songs i wrote she'd joke and say i'm shooting through the roof.
i'd say they're all for you dear.
i'll write the album of the year.
and i know she'd love me then.
i swear to god she did.
because the way she'd bite my lower lip and push her hips against my hips.
and dig her nails so deep into my skin.
the first time that i met her i was convinced that i had finally found the one.
she was convinced i was under the influence of all those drunken romantics.
i was reading Fanté at the time.
i had Bukowski on my mind.
she got a job at jacob's serving cocktails to all the local drunks.
against her will i fit the billi perched down at the end of the bar.
she says space is not just a place for stars.
i give you an inch you want a house with a yard.
and i know she loved me once.
but now those days are gone.
she used to call me every dayfrom a payphone on her break for lunch just to say she can't wait to come home.
the last time that i saw her she was picking thorugh which records were hers.
her clothes were packed in boxes with some pots and pans and books and a toaster.
just then a mouse scurried across the floor.
we started laughin till it didn't hurt.
The Good Life

And then what? It's over and you've moved on (sort of) and together you can look back at the good and the bad times and laugh at all of the life that you shared even though things like songs and movies and food and smells make you ache for what used to be...
What about when you realize the stuff you hated like the Vikings and sitting forever at restaurants you now miss and you wonder if maybe, just maybe, you were lucky to have found each other so early only you weren't ready - mistakes that you had to make to become who you were supposed to become drove you apart and you miss him and life as it used to be but there's no turning back because you decided.
To leave.
And you find that other people and places and songs and moments and lives are not good enough because they are not him and who you were together but again, it doesn't matter because it was your decision and now...it's just...gone.
Isn't it?

Burnt

2006-10-19T12:05:00.000-05:00

I took the day off today.
In 8 weeks I haven't done that.
I'm living my dream and feeling so...burnt.
By life here, by my school, by the Bronx, by the 'hood', by the culture of violence and noise that surrounds me and my kids EVERY DAY, but mostly by the power of my own expectations and the overwhelming sense of failure that comes from not meeting them.
My ears ring everyday for 15 minutes when I get home.
People around me are quitting. Nearly 10 out of 30 people in my special ed grad class are gone.
Moved...quit....this experience is breaking us and I don't know if I want to be broken for 2 years.
How do I experience this without walking away broken?
Today I requested a transfer to Minneapolis.

2006-10-07T22:43:00.000-05:00

He finally realized what I'd known all along...that in my heart there is a lot of love for someone that isn't him.
That someone's phone calls and company and opinions take priority over his....that he was not the one that I called at the end of a bad day and that he probably never would be.
I realized that I really didn't like being introduced as his girlfriend or having to make time to see him when I didn't want to and that at the bottom of all of this is someone searching for a home in a place where, even on the good days, she constantly misses the life she had.
Today at our grad classes I talked with people as homesick as I was. Someone from Michigan was talking about how everyone she knows from Minnesota is really missing it - that there must be something incredible about it.
It was meant to be a compliment.
It almost made me cry.
My heart is seriously trying to tell me something my mind doesn't want to hear.

Leavin On A Jet Plane

2006-10-05T20:46:00.000-05:00

For Thanksgiving with the boy...the old boy, who still is really the only boy in spite of the new one.
Today ended the 3 day/many hours over the phone ticket search (since my internet wasn't working).
Thursday - Sunday. 4 days to relax and reconnect and just be in a place where I'm accepted and appreciated for who I am by someone who knows each and every one of my faults.
Is anyone going to be in the cities???!!!

2006-09-22T17:05:00.000-05:00

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Snow Patrol

So there's a new boy.
Out of respect for the old boy there will not be much written here about either one of them for a while.
I don't know how or when it happened but somehow it did and this moving on is....odd.