Processing

"Lookin back through time you know it's clear that I've been blind, I've been a fool
To open up my heart to all that jealousy, that bitterness, that ridicule"
David Grey

Still recovering from a crazy weekend. Questioning myself, my involvement with MSUSA - feeling like I've failed sucks. It doesn't matter whether I did or not - it feels like I did and it sucks.
"You have to distance yourself from it," one of the other directors told me. I can't not be personally invested. I risked a lot for this - stood up for what I believed in - lead others in the same direction. I've learned what I've learned by giving what I gave; everything I had.
To have someone tell me they don't trust my decisions...to have people constantly questioning and doubting...it gives me this feeling in my stomach I don't think I'll ever be able to explain.
"Be tough," I tell myself. I believe that I've done what's best for the association. It was seldom easy, and it's pissed people off, but I still believe I did what's right.
Is it time for me to be done? To focus on things here - to remove myself from the drama - to quit being the one who puts out fires...
So many decisions that I don't have the energy to make now. Want to be home, with time to reflect, to be away from all of this. To be around people who knew me before this, who would support me if I walked away from everything tomorrow...15 more days...