For two hours I cried, wanting nothing but for my exhausted body to fall asleep. It refused, and by the time he called at 1 am I was shaking.
I can't have this hanging over me any more. We need to have this conversation face to face. The last time I told him goodbye I didn't make it good enough to be the last time. Didn't hug him tight enough or look at him long enough. Didn't study the contour of his face or his eyes when he smiled. Didn't cherish the warmth of his hand on the back of my head as he held it close to his. It was cold and it was time for me to go home, and we found comfort in knowing there would be a next time.
There is no closure, just a gaping wound and everything around me is salt. It doesn't matter that I took his pictures down - I know where they used to be. I deleted his number from my phone, but it's memorized and when I can't find the strength to be without him it gets dialed. I need him to take me in his arms and hug me like he used to when things were falling apart, to kiss the top of my head and tell me things are going to be okay...need to start over.