Crossroads

I've been asked to consider going on staff with TFA. 2 years ago I would not have considered this. 2 months ago I wouldn't really have even considered it. I wanted to teach a 3rd year. I wanted to see my original group of 3rd graders graduate. I wanted to have tenure here before moving on to something else. My fear is that once I leave the classroom I will never return, and that 2 years of classroom experience simply isn't enough to do what I want to do.
But then I teach at this school where now, even when my kids have improved so much, I find myself hating going to work everyday. My para has not shown up since the beginning of October, and in September she missed 4 days. She was supposed to come back Wednesday of this week, then called and said it would be Friday, then called and said it would be November 12th. Yeah, we don't have school on November 12th. About 2 weeks in to this whole fiasco I was lucky to find a good sub who filled in for the rest of the absence, but she has now worked over 30 days so the school, according to Union contract, has to hire her permanently. She's good with the kids, has a college degree, the kids love her....perfect hire, right? Not at my school. They thanked her for her service and told her not to come back, after telling her they were going to hire her. They defend all the wrong people. They worry about the wrong things. We teach kids to take tests, and then fire teachers if their kids don't pass them. Teachers are held to an unbelieveable degree of accountable with tracking sheets and data and posters and bulletin boards having to be done just a certain way. Then there's all of this "support staff" that gets paid way more that sits around, drinks coffee, and eats sandwhiches from the bodega.
This system is incredibly broken, and my school, despite the efforts of so many hard working, dedicated teachers, is a big ball of political red tape. (By the way, our principal's kids go to private school in Jersey.) I'm so incredibly frustrated....and jaded.....and I don't know if I want to do this for another year.
It's not about can, or should - it's about want. Where do I want to be? Where will I be the most effective? For the first time since I joined TFA, I'm finally seeing the big picture and thinking that maybe I would be more effective outside the classroom. A majority of my kids will be graduated or in different settings by the end of next year, and I would have to find a way to stay in touch with those that weren't. Maybe a monthly reading group at McDonalds or something. And as for where my career would lead, in the classroom or out, I really don't know. I can't teach special ed in the Bronx forever. My heart invests too much and I get too frustrated at administration that doesn't communicate and systems that continually fail, even when I've done my best to fix them. Maybe I will teach again somewhere else. Maybe even in this city at a different school. Maybe my heart will get the best of me and I'll stay at my school for another year....but right about now I feel like moving forward....moving my kids forward....preparing them for me to leave....and then....just....leaving.