Fallen

"Fallen"

Heaven bend to take my hand and lead me through the fire

Be the long awaited answer to a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best but somewhere along the way

I got caught up in all there was to offer

And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...

I have sunk so low I have messed up

Better I should know so don't come round here and tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent

Love was raw and young

We believed that we could change ourselves

The past could be undone but we carry on our backs the burden

Time always reveals the lonely light of morning

The wound that would not heal

It's the bitter taste of losing everything that I have held so dear

Sarah McLachlan

Reading Julie's post today set a tone for a day of reflection. What happend to who I was freshman year? To the person who believed so much in something - in God - that I couldn't help but emit joy. When did I become constantly pesimistic and doubtful? It's affected everything - the lack of joy. How do I get it back without giving up what I've gained - the knowledge, the freedom, the relationships? What does God think as He watches me everyday? Is He frustrated with my inconsitency of fascinated by my journey? Is He annoyed or entertained? Is this part of His plan for me or have I left him...

I don't know if it was a choice to stray or if it just happened. There's moments I feel it - the voice inside that tells me I'm empty - chasing things that mean nothing in the end. But I've gotten good at tuning it out, so I go about my life pretending it all means something - and in the end I think some of it will if I quit being selfish. Moments of clarity are often followed by moments of, well, not so much clarity. I've felt like this before - how much does it take for me to actually change something?