And it feels like giving in
It feels like starting over
It feels like waking up and you know it's coming
It feels like a brand new day

Jars of Clay

I heard this song for the first time while apartment hunting in KC last weekend.
We found a great place to live - yea! I really connect with some of the people on staff at my new job and am excited about the opportunity that I'll have to affect education for the kids of Kansas City.
Still a little sad about leaving - some moments more than others...and know that this month will probably be a really hard one.

Weekend trip to Niagra Falls - one of our last 'bucket list' items. No time to 'emotionally' transition - to step back and reflect before stepping in to another equally intense experience.
I've never been much of a step-backer anyways, but now, at the point of social, emotional, and professional exhaustion, it sounds nice.

Weekends have turned in to the enemy.

Monday through Friday used to represent a grind - a sort of planned chaos that left me exhausted by Friday night. Weekends were spent working out, cooking meals, and savoring wine at our favorite Italian restaurant. I lived for the slower pace of Saturday and Sunday.
Since we've decided to move I dread the weekend. The unstructured time when the reminders of our move follow me around and scream 'WHY AREN'T YOU READY - YOU CHOSE THIS!'
It is now that weekdays turn into my friends. They represent consistency... structure...a familiarity that will be gone all too soon. I chose this move. This job. This change. This uncertainty. This isn't the first time. First was the move to Bemidji. Then Minneapolis. Then NYC. But this time is different.
It is very likely that we will live in Kansas City forever. This is the end of what we always said we would do. My childhood dream has been fulfilled. I spent my entire high school and college career working incredibly hard to get here. And I've worked equally hard the past 4 years....to go back.
I remind myself that my goals have changed. It's important to me that I raise my family around my family. That I raise them in the Midwest. Somewhere in the last 4 years the people who raised me have become more important than my career.
I feel fortunate that I can continue working for a cause I'm passionate about while being only 2 hours from where I grew up.
So why do I feel more like a basket case every day?
Maybe it's because I hate packing.
And the thought of driving across the country with 4 animals.
Maybe it's because I'm afraid I'll hate my job.
Or that I'll suck at it.
Or that I'll hate living in KC.
Or that my kids will hate living in KC and leave just like I did.
Or maybe it's just that goodbyes are my least favorite thing in the world?
Yep - pretty sure that's it.
7 weeks from today we'll be gone.