Aimless

Thought about you lots today, Amy. Hope you had a fun interview, a great dinner with your 'rents and a safe drive back!

It Would Be Great

if we had a maid. Someone to clean the house on a semi-normal basis. Nobody's done it since 3 weeks ago when I did it all myself...Julie was still recovering from elections and Yulia had just moved in. Before that was another 3 weeks at least. It's gross and overwhelming - I should clean, but I should also work on my THREE presentations that are on Thursday or my monster data analysis for my thesis. There is way too much to do and even though it would only take me an hour and a half to clean if I just sucked it up and did it, it stresses me out. Nobody else has time, and it needs to get done so I'll make the time...but it would still be nice if we had a maid.

The Saddest Song

So I pretend I'm doing all I can

And I hope someday you'll find it in your heart

To understand why I'm not around

And forgive me for not being in your life

The Ataris

Where I Want To Be

750 miles away.
I want to be going to the pasture with my family to pick out the Christmas tree.
I want to see my cousins perform in their Christmas programs.
I want to see Liyah - play on the floor - see her smile.
I want to go shopping with my mom.
I want to help bake the millions of kinds of cookies we make every year, more out of tradition than a desire to eat them.
I want to hear my dad ripping the newspaper to start the fire that heats our house.
I want to hear about the little, everyday things. What my grandpa heard at his local 'gossip' hour, the latest grandkid story from my grandma.
"It's my favorite part of Christmas," my cousin Kate said. "What is?" I asked. "You being here," she said. "I like it too," I said, holding back tears. That means a lot from an 11 year old.
Sometimes I wonder why I left...

The Aftermath

It's always hardest right after he leaves. His coffee cup is still on the counter, half filled with the liquid that he can't live without. The house is colder, not having recovered from the many openings and closings of the door that are required to carry his stuff out. My room looks empty without his clothes all over the floor, and with everyone still sleeping, it's lonely. Even when they wake up it will be lonely, because he's not here.

Growing Up

When did it get so complicated?

http://www.nytimes.com/pages/magazine/index.html?8dpc

Eat out much?

http://www.dietfacts.com/fastfood.asp

21 Things I Want In A Lover

Do you derive joy from diving in and seeing that loving someone can actually feel like freedom?
Alanis Morissette

Republican Defiance

"I don't think it was only House Republicans," Senator Pat Roberts, the Kansas Republican who heads the Intelligence Committee, told Fox News on Sunday. Mr. Roberts added: "There's been a lot of opposition to this from the first. Some of it is turf, you know, quite frankly. Some of it is from the Pentagon. Some of it, quite frankly, is from the White House, despite what the president has said."

http://www.nytimes.com/2004/11/22/politics/22assess.html?oref=login

Friends

I often forget about the power of friendship. After working out this morning Julie, Amy, and I went to Caribou. We were monster productive - I finally wrote my children's book, worked on some other homework, and enjoyed being in the company of people who I admire for being so extraordinary yet refreshingly normal all at the same time.
The next hour will be filled with more homework, then Chinese food and independent movies. Thank God for Laura who will help me and my artistically-challenged self illustrate my book. Friends have made this day incredible - just what I needed to put me in the mood to relax and at the same time give me the motivation needed to finish this semester and the piles of work that go along with it.

Warm thoughts

Relax and stand in the warmth of the sand.
The day is long and here for us to take for granted.
Dashboard Confessional

Wishing it was summer - classes behind me, internship and student teaching in front of me, brandon close...surrounded by the sights and sounds of the city - something that has always given me an incredible amount of energy.

Lost

Deep within I'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you.
I know I can't be near you, I do what I have to do.
Sarah Machlan

Untitled

One of those days when you feel like you've been hit by a truck. 'Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out,' I tell my lungs. 'Beat,' I remind my heart. Things that used to be involuntary now consume all of my concentration. If my lungs keep breathing and my heart keeps beating, maybe I'll be okay. "This too shall pass," I tell myself and I keep smiling, not out of happiness, but rather an inability to find the strength to fall apart.

Perfectly Said...

While he was here, it was difficult to remember a time when he hadn't been here. I've noticed that about when we're together - that it just seems like we've always been together. That feeling leaves me confident for the time when our separation will terminate...for the time when we will be able to spend each night together and each day counting the mornings we've shared rather than the mornings until we have to say "Good bye."

American Music Awards

Toby Keith should not be allowed to sing, wear scarfs under his cowboy hat, do Ford commercials, or walk across he the stage with that cocky demeanor that spews ignorance - don't ask why - he just shouldn't.

Not Ready...

Spoiled by a 4 day weekend...by taking time off from homework and Senate...by not having to clean and do dishes...by spending more money than I should have.
The hardest thing to do is adjust to the contrast. He's either totally with me or totally not. There are no dates where I get ready, he picks me up, we go out, and he drops me off. No surprise dinners, no notes left on his door. No seeing him for five minutes at the end of a bad day, no celebrating for 5 minutes with him at the end of a good day. It's all or nothing, and it's hard to get used to. I'm not complaining, not even saying I wish it would change - just saying that it's hard to adjust.

Never going back...

I should be leaving. I'd planned to - I'm out of clothes - I'm in the mood to drive. Somehow none of that matters - the pull of his eyes, the feel of his hand in mine, and the smell of his sheets are keeping me here. He's going to work soon - I will stay and do homework, counting down the hours until he returns.
We've had an incredible weekend. The concert on Thursday was amazing. We had desert at an organic restaurant downtown we stumbled upon entirely by accident. We made kick ass enchiladas yesterday, saw Alfie today...and slept in. I didn't even think about homework on Thursday and it was okay - my priorities are much more clear when he's sitting next to me.
Tomorrow we will get up, eat breakfast, and spend the day trying not to look at the clock. Ignoring reality doesn't stop it from existing, and eventually I will return to Bemidji, leaving behind a desperately needed vacation and the person who not only puts up with me, but somehow finds the strength to love me.

Movin Too Fast

Restless and overwhelmed - my to do list is getting shorter...not a lot, but some. The absense of tasks only make me feel like I'm forgetting something. Feeling over-committed - like I'm succeeding at nothing and failing everyone. I'm not giving enough to Senate, school, Brandon, my family, or my friends...everyone is getting a little piece but it's not big enough to bring satisfaction, not for me anyways. "You are not failing me," he said to me last night. I wish I could believe it. Knowing that he means it doesn't stop the 3 am panic attack when I wake up wishing I hadn't snapped at him, or wondering if I remembered to send an email to a senator, or if I'll wake up in time to make it to class. There's so much on my mind all the time that when I'm calm for a minute, I instantly think that I've forgotten to do something.
I think I spent 2 hours in the office this entire week. The rest of my days were filled with meetings, conference calls, and focus groups. A schedule like that makes me feel crazy - I don't like coming in to get something and seeing Jake for 2 minutes, knowing that I have half an hour's worth of stuff to tell him. I don't like not even thinking about homework until 10 o'clock at night, when all I want to do is stare at the ceiling and listen to music. I don't like eating every single meal in a class or a meeting, and I don't like thinking of nothing except for how to make it through tomorrow. This is not the pace at which I want to live my life - this is not the kind of person I want to be...something needs to change.

The Ship Jeep

Today was Kamran's birthday, so in celebration a group of us went to Green Mill. Julie and I were among the last to arrive, and as we drove in I noticed a Jeep parked in the ditch. Not rolled over, not with a smashed front end, but sitting contently in the ditch.
"It would be funny if that was Kamran's Jeep," I told Julie. "He would totally do that to us, just to see our reaction."
She gave no reply, and as we wandered around the Green Mill I had this weird feeling that it was Kamran's Jeep. We got to the table and I told the story about the Jeep hanging out in the ditch. Out of paranoia Kamran and Amy went to make sure that it wasn't his, and 10 minutes later came back in - it had been his. Kamran's ship jeep drove itself into the ditch. Luckily it hadn't rained and he was able to simply drive it out. I think it's karma for the day he almost got me killed while driving to the cities...

Ramen

College students have it all wrong...
http://www.nytimes.com/2004/11/10/dining/10RAMEN.html?oref=login

Therapy

I just spent the last 2 hours cutting, coloring, and pasting. The good news - my alphabet knowledge game will kick ass. The bad news - 3 hours into it and I'm only half done. Several people have laughed at my 'homework' in the last week. Cutting, laminating, and coloring - lately it's filled a large part of my days. I go from researching for my thesis to coloring, then back to my thesis. "I didn't like doing it in second grade - I sure as hell wouldn't do it now," Jake said last week. I laughed, knowing that he would never understand how therapeutic it is for me. It keeps me busy enough that my thoughts don't overwhelm me, but is routine to the point where it allows me to think. About Brandon, Senate, my family, my friends, where I will be in the next year...and sometimes, it allows me to just plain not think, which is a gift in itself. At the end of it I have a clear head, a completed assignment, and hands that are marker stained and sticky - I love it - this is what I'm supposed to do :)

Lessons

I'm learning...things I wouldn't have learned if he would have stayed. We're learning how to communicate purely through words - how to express love without physical contact. Every moment we have together is a gift - many couples never truly experience that. Amy, you were right - this can be good for us if we choose for it to be.

Books

So I need to write a children's book on cultural diversity - I'm stuck - feeling that no matter how creative I am, it won't compare to the other people in my class. Why do I constantly feel the need to compete...and why can't I just get started...

:)

His presence makes everything so simple...yet complex at the same time. Homework, Senate, and all that burden me during the week aren't gone, but managable. Little things like waking up in the morning, going out for coffee, getting groceries, and eating dinner - they're so much different when he's here. They go from something routine to moments I don't ever want to end...this is love.

Waiting...

He was supposed to be here at 6. Then he had to work late.
He was going to be here at 7. Then there was traffic.
8:15 is now the estimated arrival time. Not as in the mood for Chinese as I was an hour and a half ago, feeling restless and drowsy, no longer posessing the attention span to watch a movie. It's the control thing - it drives me nuts that our plan didn't turn out like we wanted it to. It's not his fault - that doesn't ease the frustration. I'm like a little kid waiting for Christmas, waiting for him to walk through the door.
Can't figure out if the knots in my stomach and the pounding in my head are from nerves, anger, or if I'm getting sick. I have no right to be angry, but I am. This is not how we envisioned spending tonight, but I will not let it ruin the next day and a half.

Sunshine

Today was better. I woke up feeling calm and balanced - like I could handle the day, even though I knew that I didn't have any less to do. Somehow the voice in my head that tells me it will be okay prevailed today and it was nice. On these days I'm a better friend, roomate, student, president...and girlfriend. Days like today everything works. My prayer tonight will be not for less work or less stress or even for Brandon to be closer, but for more days like today.

Waiting for tomorrow

Tomorrow he'll be here - it's been way too long. The last two weeks have been full of fights and break ups and asking myself whether this is what I really want. When I look into the future I don't see myself with anyone else. I see myself alone and happy or with him and happy, but no in between.
It's awkward, seeing him after weeks like this. Do I hug him and cry and show him how relieved I am that finally we can be together. Or do I protect my head and my heart and have 'the discussion' once and for all? Somehow I can't find the strength to not hug him and while we're together, we pretend that everything's okay. He holds me and everything we've said goes away...but eventually he lets go, leaves, and it all comes back. 'Maybe this time will be different' , I tell myself. It needs to be - it will be.

Funk

Check your pulse it's proof that you're not listenin' to the call your life's been issuin' you

A rhythm of a line of idle days

John Mayor

Restless and bored. So much to do - projects, papers, my thesis...and I don't care. I'm tired of school and tired of the same routine. Tired of being in love with someone who isn't here and of seeing my neice grow up in pictures. Tired of hearing how my grandpa is doing and not being there to see for myself, constantly asking myself whether I'll see him again if I don't go home for Thanksgiving. Tired of being the mom in my house - the one that cleans and deals with things when they break. Tired and wondering where I went. This is ALL my choice. If I hate it here I could leave - I could quit school, move, and be gone - but I won't, because I'm invested, and because I would miss it - the school, the town, my friends. I miss feeling like I'm doing something here - like I'm making a difference. I've had this thing hanging over my shoulders since the summer and for the life of me I can't get it to go away...

If only she knew... 

Innocence... 

If only she knew...

how much change she brought to this world. She united a divided family, turned anger into understanding and gave my little sister some direction in her life. Aaliyah Marie Clark, you are a miracle and you are loved...

Swany called!

Swany called today to say hi and talk about the election...our five minute conversation made my entire shitty day turn around. He cares and is concerned and supportive - he KNOWS what I'm going through because he went through it with me... "It'll be alright," he says...showing more confidence in me than I have in myself. "I know," I reply...even though some times I really don't know. I'm so blessed to be surrounded with so many supportive people - the power of friendship is what I will take away from this.

If Bush Gets Elected

Jake and I are moving to Mexico to sit on the beach and drink Coronas and "quit school and get jobs, save up money, all move into this little house so rent is $10 a piece, we'll work for 6 months at crappy jobs and earn $1000 each and retire on that - in Mexico."
Can I get an amen?

The Superman List

"I feel like we're forgetting about things and getting them done at the last minute." Jake said to me yesterday.
"Me too," I said, relieved that someone else felt how I had felt for the last year.
"I don't like it," he said.
"Me neither," I said.
"How can we fix it?" he asked?
The result...a superman list. A huge piece of paper taped to the back of the office door with stuff we need to get done and who will do it. After it was hung up I felt better - all of these little things that had been occupying free space in my mind were now written down and shared with another person - it's not only my responsibility - yea. Jakeus - you kick ass.

Issues

Leave me be, I don't want to argue
I'd just get confused and I'd come all undone
And if I agree well it's just to appease you
Cause I don't remember what we're fighting for
Sarah McLachlan

Lindsi - when you figure out how to fix the dying feeling, you should let me know, cause I'm with you...