Choosing

Like any uncharted territory I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like you have experienced love like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
Alanis

She's not sure if she sends mixed signals of if people simply see what they wish was there.
She's at this weird point where choosing is a must because the three of them can co-exist no longer.
One's been around for much longer, is charming and chilverous and reminds her of her dad. She missed him terribly when he was suddenly no longer in her life, and was elated when he reappeared just as suddenly as he had left.
The other came into her life when she least expected him. If she had a type, he certainly wasn't it, but she fell, and kept falling...for all of the little things and the sporadic timing with which he did them. They're happy, she thinks, and when she looks in to her future, it is him she sees.
She had always wanted them to be friends, but knows this is next to impossible, even though they've never met.
They both want a small part of her, and it's something that can't possibly be shared.
So now she sits, knowing her heart made the choice long ago, but not wanting to inflict the pain that will come from consciously pushing one away.
So to the one who will involuntarily leave her life, know that it is best for both of you. What was mistaken for black was just a brief glimpse of grey...an effort to recover the friendship that once was, only her heart now knows it was never as innocent as she thought. The two of you were never purely white - everyone around you knew it, and deep down inside, you did too. She will always wonder about you, whether or not she ends up with him, and she knows you will wonder about her, too. For now, that's all the strength she needs to not return your calls.

When she says she wants someone to love
I hope you know she doesn't mean you.
Howie Day

Today I ate the last of the food that was made by my mom.
Sad.

I wish it was a week ago.

Happy Birthday Aaliyah!

A year ago today you began the process of changing many lives. We could never have imagined what a blessing you would turn out to be.

She Returns

Although her departure came with more tears than she had planned on, it took only a good, long bike ride to remind her that there are things she loves about the concrete and skyscrapers. The smell of ethnic food and the gentle hum of passing traffic. Dogs and small children playing in their yards.
They remind her that although her visits, no matter how long, are always a little too short, she would not be happy building her life there. The town and the opportunities always made her feel a little claustrophobic, and while her past and her family are there, her future, and a family she has made on her own in the past four years, is not. Just as a small part of her will always be here when she leaves, a small part of her will always be there, and will always yearn for the way life was and still is in the place where she grew up. Simple. Slower. Full of laughter and hugs and good food. It's what home should be...somewhere she never stops looking forward to.

Escape

She leaves the concrete and sky scrapers and people who don't smile when they pass each other on the street.
Her destination is green grass and familiar faces and star filled skies....family and friends and a little girl who is nearly 365 days old.

The Drive In

Air popped popcorn with just the right balance of butter and salt.
Peanut M&Ms, beginning to melt from the heat of the day.
Car speakers and unfastened seatbelts.
Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory playing in what appears to be the middle of the sky.
Cool breeze fills the night air and I think to myself....this is the way to watch a movie.

Dear Aaliyah,

Please quit growing and doing new things.
You see, I'm coming to visit you in just 4 MORE DAYS, and if you could just stay who you are right now, then I won't feel like I've missed as much.
I saw you 2 months ago. But since then you've learned to walk and eat real food and say things like 'ma ma' and 'da da'. You play pat-a-cake now, or so I hear. And you love eating ice cream with Grandpa.
It's the little, everyday things that make me miss you so much.
So if you could just hold off on being cute for other people and wait until I get there I would like it a lot.
Love,
Aunt Julie

Her way of retreating into her own little world... 

Look at me! I can walk! 

Playing in the pool Grandpa bought.  

Playing with blocks... 

He's always been better at accepting us for who we were, both as individuals and together. He's never had the tendency to compare us to what others have or do.
It's a lesson I need to learn.

The Answer

I think it was a year ago. When we all believed in her, but expected her to fail.
Hoped for the best, but expected the worst.
Braced ourselves for all of the mistakes they were bound to make.
But she didn't, and it wasn't, and all she ever did was succeed.
I admire my little sister more than nearly anyone in the entire world.

Still In Transition

Realizing that there may always be more small town in me than I would like to admit.
I was raised in a town where I knew everybody and everybody knew me. The only danger I was ever really in was that which my friends and I created ourselves to pass the time. But now...I'm learning.
Learning that smiling at complete strangers and saying hello may sometimes get me more than I bargained for.
That 'Minnesota Nice' does not apply to many of the places I frequent, especially the walk to and from work.
That I'm not as tough as I would like to think I am, and that if I'm going to survive where my future is taking me, I need to work on that.
That there is a reason why you don't assume all people are good and well meaning, and there is a reason why we pass hundreds of people on the street without ever saying a word.
The walls go up...the shell hardens...and as I walk today I will say goodbye to the small town girl until I get to a place where I am protected from all that is this city.

Cow Appreciation Day

Be nice to cows today. Don't eat them.

When did she become so strong...and responsible...and grown up?

Not Over Yet

"This agreement is a real victory for Africa - but promises made of words will only become promises for a generation if we keep watching, asking and acting. Much more needs to be done in Washington DC to turn these commitments into lifesaving programs, and the world must take new steps to make trade fair. More meetings will take place this year in New York and Hong Kong where a comprehensive debt-aid-trade deal can be reached and end global AIDS and extreme poverty in our time.
We can be that great generation. As ONE, let's keep up the positive pressure and make 2005 the year we joined together to make history."
www.one.org
Until it is, the banner and the wristbands will remain.
Want a wristband? I have 3 left, but they're from England (they were doing more with their money so I ordered mine from the UK.)

Twilight

As the sun shines through it pushes away and pushes ahead
It fills the warmth of blue and leaves a chill instead
I didn't know that I could be so blind to all that is so real
But as illusion dies I see there is so much to be revealed
Vanessa Carlton

He makes me so happy.....maybe it's because I don't need him to.
Once we get past the talks about our relationship and who's sacrificing what and who needs to work on what and just let ourselves be together, it works...magically...just like it used to.

In another state her world is crumbling. I can hear her tears on the phone and would love nothing more than to be there.

Meatless Rant

I stopped eating meat for two reasons. One, I never really liked it. Two, my biology teacher (who owned cattle, go figure) taught us about all of the bacteria/bad stuff that gets in to cattle that they kindly pass on to us.
That was it - no more meat for me.
Plus I was 13 and it seemed kind of cool.
9 years later I don't push my beliefs on people. I am not a 'be nice to the animals' nazi, and I eat fish sometimes, though I'd chose tofu or tempeh or seitan over it. But today somebody, a friend, and I got in to an argument about why I don't eat it now. Here's a couple of facts for all of you genetically engineered cow and chicken eaters out there.
-One acre of prime land can produce...
30,000 pounds of apples, or
40,000 pounds of potatoes, or
50,000 pounds of tomatoes, or
250 pounds of beef.
-80% of the meat produced in the U.S. contains drugs that are passed on to you when you eat it.
- The amount of waste produced by a 10,000 head feed lot is equal to the waste of a city of 110,000 people.
- World livestock production is now a significant factor in the emission of two of the four global warming gasses: carbon dioxide and methane. Every steak we eat has the same effect as a 25 mile drive in a typical American car.
Source: The Student's Vegetarian Cookbook
I could go on and on and on but people would get annoyed and frankly I don't feel like typing it. I don't eat meat because our bodies do not need it and, frankly, eating it in the quantities people do and raising it the way most places raise it is not good for the environment. You can get protein from leaner, more natural sources that are better for the environment AND your checkbook. I'm not saying never eat meat, but be smart about what you put in your body. Know where it comes from and what it will do to your insides.
And for all of you who think it's cool to be all environmental but eat tons of meat and drive 3 blocks to the store, stop being a hypocrite.
I think I'll step down from my soapbox now...

So This Is A Weekend

Waking up when I want, not when I must in order to accomplish what I need to for the day.
No required reading or writing...only what I want and am inspired to do.
Phone calls to friends to hear about their weeks.
Balanced alone time and people time.
No longer missing him or dreading the inevitable Sunday afternoon departure.
This is what people look forward to.
Now I get it.

Maybe if you talked to him and not at him...
Walked beside him instead of pushing him as fast as you can in his stroller...
Listened to him talk instead of picking him up and dropping him off with headphones on...
Maybe...just maybe you would realize what an amazing little person he is.
You would know how sensitive and empathetic he can be.
How he loves to sing and how his language skills are more developed than is normal at his age.
He speaks in complete sentences and can run and jump higher than kids twice his age.
But you don't know that, because he was an accident, and now he is and inconvenience.
No wonder he bites...and hits...and screams...and cries.
If he doesn't you might forget him.

Reality Check

Today I was reminded of just how fragile they are, and with that, I too am fragile.
For the hours I am with them, their lives are in my hands.
People bring their most prized possessions to us, and come to pick them up at the day, trusting that they will be happier and healthier than they were when they left them in the morning.
That's a fucking huge responsibility.

Supersize the Food Pyramid

Get your personalized food pyramid, but remember, "this calorie level is only an estimate of your survival needs. We actually expect the average American to eat about 50-100% more than whatever we suggest, to help create demand for the 1500 calories per person per day excess of food currently being produced by Agribusiness corporations in the United States. "

Across the Ocean

Traffic halted completely, engines off, the police lines blocking escape routes for all but cycles and motorcycles. But the uncanny absence of motor noise was hidden by the constant howl of sirens.

A week ago he told us it was worth it.
I wonder how the people of London feel about that today.
Sad and scared and somewhat embarrassed by our country and it's leaders.

It's Not Just A Banner

"Right now, the US government is making decisions about how much money to spend on humanitarian assistance next year and the UK is poised to lead the world’s wealthiest nations at the G8 summit in July. By joining the ONE campaign, we will show our leaders that we want to do more to respond to the emergency of AIDS and extreme poverty."
www.one.org
Tomorrow is the summit. Do something. Send a letter to Bush today.

I feel like I should write about the country, or the government, or something centered on the 4th of July. But I don't want to, so I won't. No more feeling obligated about stupid things.
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Today was an incredible day....
During our year apart our connection changed. It didn't leave, just changed. I'd always wanted more of the old connection back. The one that made him reach back to hold my hand when he was in the front seat and I was in the back. The one that made us laugh at the same things at the same time. The one that allowed us to be together and in love but fiercely independent all at the same time.
It's taken some time, but today it clicked. We were an amazing balance of the past and the present and it left me hoping that days like today would fill our future.

I want to be your absolute ultimate
Want to be your only one now
Feel the wave come up from your sulkiness
Feel the rays you radiate now
Mike Doughty

"Jess called last night and said Liyah walked from the frig to the recliner ... and Jess clapped ... then Liyah walked BACK to the frig and clapped for herself!"

Yeah...she's the cutest thing in the world and she knows it.

On Second Thought

We should thank the people that stood up for what we asked them to do.
For some of us that's funding education...for others it's funding health care.
For some it's making sure that taxes don't go up (although I'd like to talk to you because how in the hell do you expect to fund social services without taxes?)
Thank them and hope they figure out how to look out for our state and not their own political careers some time soon.
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Oh, and by the way, all the services deemed essential are only essential until July 23rd. At that time there will have to be legislation or a new court order. Enjoy them while you can.

Somewhere In Minnesota...

Many villages are missing their idiots.
Wait...they're all in St. Paul in 'special session'.
For the second year in a row people have failed to do their job. Normally people get fired for crap like this. (HINT HINT VOTERS)
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Hey Pawlety, good luck running for any federal position. During HALF of your term as governor, the state has failed its citizens, first by not passing a bonding bill, then by achieving a partial state shutdown, but hey, at least the rich people aren't paying more taxes.
We're coming to pee on your lawn.