You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
James Blunt

This song makes me cry no matter how much I hear it. I can't imagine leaving him, yet the song begins and I picture it - my car packed...hugging him for the last time and throwing away 2 and a half years of loving someone for a dream I've had since I was a little girl.
Dreams coming true should feel like Disneyland. That's what I always thought...but I get a box from TFA and it sits, unopened, for at least a couple of days. It's filled with reminders that I will be leaving all too soon to a world without him...
It would be completely different if I knew he would be there, too. Together we'd count down the days...look for apartments and plan weekends full of new coffee shops and independent movies. But the money isn't there, the job isn't there...the future...for him...isn't there, and yet we spend every moment we can together and pretend that the first of June is lifetimes away.
If I hadn't already deferred I would consider doing it...not for him, but for us. He would never ask me to and it's not an option now.
Somebody sent me my dream in a letter from FedEx and it's time to muster up the courage to chase it.
I would give almost anything to know that he would be there too and that the dreaded goodbye will never have to happen.

A Boy's Version of Fondue

""Let's get some Cheez Whiz and crackers and sit around in our underwear. Wouldn't that be romantic?"
-Brandon-

Memories

Bacon cheddar ranch.

Be nice to those chickens Jakeus.

This arrived at my school today.

Pineapple hearts and strawberries with marshmallows in the middle and grapes...

My students were in awe.

So was I.

Apparently, there's a boy out there who thinks I'm pretty special, even after putting up with me for the last 2 years.

I'm incredibly spoiled...

Teaching Stuff

Will be written here, for the most part.
I need to work on separating home from school...
Check back here for updates in other areas of my life, which do, by the way, still exist :)

Our third Valentines day is spent together...in my tiny apartment...surrounded by cough drop wrappers, juice bottles, mugs filled with tea and a plethora of germs....
But we're together and happy and that's more than enough.

Pencil Me In...

For Saturday night at Brigids!!!

2 kids have the ability to throw our entire room in to chaos.
We spend most of our day debating whether it's better to send them out of the room or let them be disruptive. Sending them away gives us the ability to tend to the other 26 kids in our room. Keeping them allows us to form relationships with them...help them walk through their issues, sending them the message that we believe in you and have the ability to help you.
Today they were both on their meds and alas, there are normal second graders inside of their normally violent and rageful bodies. They were not perfect, but they were manageable. I think I told them both how proud I was of them at least 10 times.
They seemed to be tired of hearing it by the end of the day but I just couldn't stop saying it.
What I wanted to do was pick them up and spin them around and say, "I will sleep better tonight because I didn't have to send you out the room today."
I don't know that I'll ever be able to explain how great it feels to look at them and know they're listening...to smile at them and get a smile in return...to feel like maybe someday they will look back and realize that I greeted them every morning and gave them a high five every afternoon and spent most of my waking hours thinking about how to reach them because I cared.

Road Trippin'

To Bemidji this weekend...anybody gonna be around?

He calls on his way home from work to tell me about a meeting he had today.
After a stop at Whole Foods, he's coming over to make quesadillas and hang out....
It's so nice to not miss him all the time, and after all of our time in different cities I don't know that I'll ever stop falling in love with the everyday things.

And to think that 2 years ago we were still doing the 'are we friends or something more?' dance...

2nd Graders After All

Today they giggled.
They participated...listened...wondered.
They were captivated by toy puppets and a stage made from a box....liberal theatre people who ran around with bare feet and braided hair.
They sang and made funny noises - no hip hop, no slang....and you'll never believe it but...
They loved it.
I missed most of the show because I couldn't stop watching how still our ADHD kids were...how mesmerized our space cadets seemed to be....how happy a little toy theatre made all of my little thugs.
For the first time in all of my moments with them it felt like they were 7 and 8 years old. I think we all forgot, if only for a little while, that their world is full of violence and drugs and video games. I took in everything I could about those 30 minutes. It reminded me of the very reason why I choose to spend my days with them.
Beneath all of their tough exteriors are second graders who can't help but laugh at things like dancing puppets, goofy songs, and dumb jokes. I knew they had it in them :)