Relay For Life

Be there or be asleep.

In 24 hours he'll be here.
That's even allowing him to be an hour and a half late...
My goal for this weekend - to be in the moment and not think about how long we have together before he leaves again.

I Promise

That if you're patient enough, my anger at you will always be replaced by my love for you.

***********************
"I wish I was there," you said today.
"Me too," I replied.
I can't remember the last time I meant 2 words so much.

Me, Too

"We always kissed at 11:11--it was a strange little habit. Our anniversary was on the 11th, and we got together on October 11th, so on our 1-month anniversary on 11/11 at 11:11 we kissed more than we did at any other 11:11. The best memories hurt the most. I miss things like that."
Lindsi

Brandon and I are together and I still miss things like that.
They ended when he left...like the distance is this monster that we can't get rid of even when he's sitting right next to me.
I know that simply being in the same city won't make our relationship into a fairy tale. I want it to give us the opportunity to make it in to something real that we both are inspired to be a part of.
But what if it doesn't, and what if I continue to still miss how it used to be?
Can romance really last forever, or do things always get in the way?

"It's not like he's the only person you could ever be with," he said to me today.
"Yeah, but we have this connection," I argued.
"Julie, you have connections with other people too," he said.
We sat in silence. I needed to know what he meant by that but I didn't have the courage to ask and he didn't volunteer it.

Splish Splash... 

Somebody's got Grandpa wrapped around her little finger... 

He got a new job!!! One that's days and no weekends. For 2 days in a row I got to have an actual conversation with him before I went to sleep...amazing how much I took that for granted.

One Thing I Won't Miss

The title.
I was introduced tonight with my title. I didn't need to be. It had nothing to do with where I was. It happens all the time, and it makes me feel uncomfortable.
I love the job and all that comes with it, but I've never gotten used to being introduced with a title, and I won't be sad when it's gone.

I have crazy amounts of stuff to do this week but I'm so incredibly distracted.
All I want is a hug from him. I'm so antsy for the time when I can see him everyday...
The time between now and then is torture...'soon', he says.
When did he become the patient one?

Dig Deep

Home from our last conference. There were tears today at our goodbyes. I swore to myself that there wouldn't be - that being surrounded by 5 boys would stop my tears. They cried at knowing how close I was to crying, and before long we were all masking tears behind laughter, trying to look happy for the cameras, but finding ourselves desperately unprepared for the change that leaving would inevitably bring.
The only people that will ever truly understand the experience we've had together are the people that were directly a part of it. Then again, I'm sure that can be said of any experience.
I'll write about it some time, when I've had time to process...
Right now reminders of them are everywhere and the pain is magnified by the fact that not all 7 of us were there for the goodbye.

Wahoo!

I have been deferred.

Senate elections are over.
I feel ready to hand it over. Not burnt out, but also not dreading the day it's not my job any more.
Now the transition begins - getting someone ready for a change no one can prepare them for.
I could say I've learned a lot in the past 2 years but that wouldn't do the experience justice.
I could say I've met some great people in the last 2 years, but what I've really done is make life long friends.
There are parts of this experience that have changed who I am and what I value.
There were days I loved the job, and others when I hated it. Times when I didn't prioritize the way I wish I had, and days when I let myself get too emotionally involved in decisions that were being made.
I wouldn't change any of it, because I learned from all of it...
For the last 2 years it's been totally consuming. In a month it will be completely gone. I need somebody to prepare me for that transition.

I began contact with my cooperating teacher today.
I'll start the fall in a K/1 classroom at Schoolcraft.
I'M SO EXCITED TO BE WITH KIDS ALL DAY EVERY DAY.
Hell yeah.

Decision Made

Student teaching cannot be waived.
I will attempt to defer my acceptance into TFA.
I have accepted my internship in the cities, and am currently looking for a part time job to supplement my free labor.
I will go home for a couple of weeks after graduation and hang out with my family, including the coolest baby in the entire world.
I'll come back and spend time with Brandon. Not large, scheduled out, pressure filled blocks of time...but smaller blocks of time over coffee and dinner and movies and laughter - like it used to be. I'll work for more of the moments where I look in to his eyes and see the person I fell in love with...when his laughter or car dancing or the way he reaches over to rub my neck will remind me why we've been fighting so hard. The moments where I'm frustrated or questioning or insecure or jealous will not go away, but the pain they bring will be made less by his mere presence, and together we will learn to have less of those moments and more of the good ones.
I didn't stay for him or our relationship. People are going to think that and that's fine. I know and he knows and that's what really matters.
For now I find comfort in knowing the decision has been made.

Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes

I've had that song in my head all day.
I think it's my brain's way of coping with all the stress.
Considering all the decisions that were made today, and how calm I am about everything, I think it worked.
Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes.
I'll write about it tomorrow.

And if she runs away she fears she won't be followed
What could be the worse than leaving something behind
And as the depth of oceans slowly become shallow
It's loneliness she finds...
Vanessa Carlton

I drift one way, then the other. I try to logically stay in the middle, and at times I'm equally okay with either staying or going.
Trying to prepare myself equally for both options without being overwhelmed by all the uncertainties takes every ounce of energy I have.
It wasn't supposed to be this hard. This is my dream - I underestimated how difficult the decision to follow it would be.
Does the fact that this is so agonizing mean that I should stay or go?

FIGHT, DAMNIT.
I want to scream that at him sometimes.
Fight for me to stay if you want me to stay. It doesn't mean that I will, but I'll find comfort in knowing that you want me to. You know me well enough to know that if I want to go I will go and there's not much that will stop me.
I need your support in staying more than I need it in leaving.
Fight for me - for us - for what we've spent the last 3 months trying so desperately to save.
Fight or I will be gone.

I wish it was as cut and dry as getting my student teaching waived. It's not. Emotions come in and as much as I don't want them to they play a big role.
The thought of leaving him breaks my heart. Of hugging him and knowing it could be the last time - knowing that him leaving was probably the worst decision we've ever made together and now we have the chance to make the decision again and we're deciding the same thing.
It doesn't make sense and the fact that his response to my tears is an indifferent, "I don't know what to tell you," makes me feel like he's already walking away before the decision has even been made.

From the Soundtrack

This is the life
Everyone has to be somewhere
I am here
Testing a dream
The pressure of dreams is the killer
Of dreams
And it only gets harder
This is the life
This is my life
Time is the monster
All of us fight the same monster
To win
I scream when I breathe
Fearing that worry will trigger
All my fears
And it only gets harder
This is the life

I Couldn't Sleep

So I watched this at 3 in the morning. Torn between a dream I've had since I was a child and the person I feel like I could love for the rest of my life. There's no reason to be torn - I could have both, but something tells me we're not ready for that.
Me leaving would mean us being apart for 2 more years at least, and it's not as simple as me leaving for 2 years and then returning. I'm moving - for good. New York is my dream - the next chapter in my life. I'm so afraid to turn the page because I feel like he won't be there.

Finally

It's here. The letter.

New York City Elementary Special Ed.
Exactly what I wanted.

Now it's time to make a decision.

I Need A Job

In the cities. Does any one know anyone who knows any one that's looking for a babysitter or summer camp help?
At this point I'd really take anything...but something with kids would rock.

He sent flowers - big pink lilys. Always something different...unique. He's always been good at that. I think it's the designer in him.
They sent balloons - Sponge Bob and Blues Clues :)
They couldn't be here but were thinking about me...that helps.
As the days pass the load feels lighter, and it doesn't matter that I don't know exactly what I'll be doing this summer or where I'll be living next year. It will work out, and until it does, I'm okay with the unknown.

******************
Time for coffee with Amy - it's been way too long...there's a reason to stay right there - talking about life over coffee with Amy.

I'm presenting a year's worth of research tomorrow.
They won't be here to see it. Neither will he.
The 3 people that know me better than anyone else in the world have missed a lot and will continue to miss more because I somehow feel this need to move away from them.
I didn't think it was a big deal, none of them being here.
But now that it's tomorrow...and they won't be here...it kind of is.
I never even thought to invite them.

If I stayed we could be together like normal people are together.
No more blocking off entire weekends, no more sleeping without him if I really want to sleep next to him.
I can make him dinner, watch a movie, and then he can leave...or stay...we'll have a choice.
No more pressure to make every moment count. No more planning out everything.
Spontaneous romance and real life with him in the same place.
The thought of that makes my heart beat fast.

Some people are not nearly as happy as they pretend to be. I need to quit comparing my relationship to those of other people because they're not always as honest as I assume they are.

The Options Narrow

No D.C.
Cities or Teach for America...
I had myself so psyched for DC or TFA that the cities feels like I'm failing.

I need to start looking for a job in the cities in case I take that internship. Any ideas?

Escape, Escape, Escape

It's all I could think about on the drive back today. In a month I could be leaving forever. Amazing and scary all at the same time. After my deposition today I observed at a school in Plymouth. Being in the classroom is addicting. I'm ready to go. I don't need the experience of student teaching. It would be beneficial, but I don't need it. How could I not take Teach for America if they give it to me? Why would I stay for another year if I don't have to?
Friends. That's my cop out answer. I don't want to leave my friends. Newsflash Julie. The people that you are going to stay in touch with will always be in your life. The people that you won't stay in touch with will not. Why spend another year investing in casual relationships? Don't.
Brandon. My next answer. The person he met and fell in love with would not change her dreams for anyone, including him, and he would never ask her to. Why give up something if you know you'll end up resenting him for it? Don't.
Family. I'm already far away from them. 15 hours or 25 hours really isn't that much of a difference. They support me in what ever I do. Why stay here and pretend that I did it to stay closer to them? Don't.
Don't, don't, don't. Escape, escape, escape. Somebody please teach me how to be okay with being here...

This is over my head but underneath my feet
Cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy
Lifehouse

I don't think I can handle this any more. Being here. Being away from him. He invaded what I had made for myself and I got used to it, I liked it, and now it isn't complete without him.
Teach for America was my last option, for next year at least. Now it seems like the escape that I so desperately need.
I don't want to go somewhere out of a need to escape, but it's why I came here and the past four years couldn't have been better. On one hand I feel like I need to learn how to be completely content with where I am, and on the other hand I want to learn from whatever it is the restlessness has to teach me.
Part of my need to leave is my lack of connections here - my lack of escape here. Being gone hurt my friendships. I feel disconnected and replaced...by boys, work, homework...life. I miss living in a house with roomates who were around at the same time I was. I'm gone all day, they're gone all night, and I'm left feeling lonely. They don't really know what's going on with me, and I don't really know what's going on with them.
I miss everything about this time last year and I want so desperately to live for now and appreciate now but it's hard...much harder than it should be and it makes me want to move on.

A Letter To Someone Far Away

I haven't talked to you in 2 days. We've played a lot of phone tag and left numerous messages. You got off work early but I was at a friend's. It's time to call you back, but I just don't know if I can.
So much has happened since we last spoke that I don't have the energy to catch you up on it. Without telling you what has happened we'll only have a superficial conversation, and usually those feel like a waste of time. I'll get bitter and you'll get angry and we'll end up hurting each other like we always do. The next morning we'll apologize but it will be in the back of our heads, and the next time I see you we'll hug a little less and resent a little more. I don't want that.
I want to hear about your day, and I want to tell you about mine, but the night has stolen the opportunity and I don't have the energy needed to communicate with anyone.
As you fall asleep tonight I hope that you do not worry. I hope that you find comfort in knowing that you are in my heart and in my thoughts but that tonight I just didn't have the energy it took to be away from you.

I just looked at the weather and it's supposed to be this nice on Friday too!
Friends - anybody up for grilling? It would be fun to have dinner together...

Wahoo!

It's spring. Warmth and sun - neighbor kids playing in the alley. I opened all of our windows and blinds for the first time in way too many months. I got my bike out and rode around the block 4 times. I didn't have the energy to go for an actual ride, but also couldn't bear to get it out of the basement and simply lock it to a post. I set my plant outside and it's smiling. Well...not really, but if it could it would.
Am having a veggie burger and corn on the cob for dinner...a meal that tastes of summer. This time of year always reminds me what I love about Bemidji. Campus comes alive with people playing and studying outside. People are in good moods for no reason except for the fact that it's finally warming up.
This could be my last spring here - I want to enjoy every second!

Freakin A

Blogger lost my post about this weekend.
I don't think I have the energy or desire to do it again.
Damnit.