Honey why you calling me so late?
It's kinda hard to talk right now.
Honey why are you crying? Is everything okay?
I gotta whisper 'cause I can't be too loud
Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice
Hinder

Unpacking to a CD from him...the "Julie Groove" full of complicated break up/glad you were in my life songs.
Songs I'm sure he put together a month ago when things between us were very different.
Still, in spite of the tears they bring, they're nice to hear.
There is still something very real between us. He is still the best friend I've ever had and he knows me better than anyone.
But there is a new boy, and for him a new girl, and new relationships that become more serious by the day and lives that move forward in different directions and a past that is full of good memories,but memories just the same.

In the meanwhile the new boy is figuring me out. 'I'm thinking about you' texts and chocolate and red wine and suprises and hugs and coming over even when I'm not assertive enough to tell him that's what I want him to do.
The second time around is much much different and my heart realizes that it's once again falling for something and someone it didn't plan on.

It was...

intense.
I haven't had the time I need to process and even when I do I'm not sure how much of it will go here.
There was no snow, but there was time with Bill and Laura and roadtrips and all my favorite places to hang out.
There was laughter but also tears, play and relaxation but also conversations that probably should have happened 6 months ago.
No one can make me angry like he can. I'm sure he'd say the same about me.
No one can hurt me like he can. Again, I'm sure he'd say the same thing about me.
There are many things about this new dimension to us that need to still be defined, like why that little place in his neck still fits my head perfectly when I hug him.
I may always love him, and he may always love me, but we may spend the rest of our life loving and being in love with other people.
I haven't figured out how to deal with that yet.

I Want...

For it to snow in Minneapolis. The kind of snow that coats the roads and cars and looks like glitter as it comes down.
To drive. A lot. To anywhere.
To laugh and play and relax with this boy who is still such an important part of my life in spite of the fact that we have both moved on.
To see Laura and Bill and Charlie and feel more at home than I have since the day I left.
To sleep without dreams of students.
To not hear chicken noodle soup or smell french fries for four whole days.
My other family, the ones who's blood pumps through my heart and veins everyday, to know that no matter where I am part of me is always torn and missing the food and rowdy kids and crowded houses that make up our holidays.

Spring 2006 was probably the happiest and most balanced I've ever been in my entire life.
I loved nannying and Minneapolis and green grass and parades and a boy and the life we had built together.
I built a sanctuary in my little apartment and was making a life I could have been happy living for a very long time. The weather got warmer and we got closer and things were falling in place like we'd always known they could.
Then I left, for a new life and a new job and a new city and, eventually, a new boy.
His life went on there, and now he too is "in a relationship" (I hate myspace relationship classifications...) I'm realizing what I've always known - that he's really not a good friend. He does not call or email or write...he disappears for days or weeks on end, and the fact that there is a new girl means I can only be a friend...someone else to disappear from.
In 4 days I'm going back, although I'm not sure to what.
Could life ever be like it was then? Was it a moment in time that will not happen again? Will I build it here, with the new boy? Will I build it somewhere else, by myself?
Why am I spending a holiday in this place with someone I once loved but who is now so very different?
Can we be friends? Hang out, talk, laugh, have fun, and be with other people at the end of the day?
We're about to find out...

If everything’s falling, if everything’s changed
If I’m in the open, if I’m in the way
What am I doing here
If you’re not with me
What have I got to live for, if it’s just my own dream
Take it back to the beginning, back to the start
When gravity’s pulling, you’re still holding my heart
Mat Kearney

Starting over after 5 months.
Letting him go...really letting him go...for the first time in the 3 years I've known him.
Realizing that my own dream was enough before him and it will be enough after him.
That there will be others...there are others. They will not be him, and they will not replace him and that's okay because I'm getting to the point where he doesn't need to be replaced. I'm okay with what we're becoming, even if I'm not sure what that is yet, and okay with knowing that someday he will not be my best friend anymore. He will not be the person I call for good and bad days, Aaliyah will not ask about him anymore, and our lives will move on without the other and I will be okay.
I'll be better than okay. I'll be strong and independent and living and working for things I believe in and hopefully he will too.

Floating

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon ball
Damien Rice

It's all so complicated that it's simple. So many emotions and what if's and could have been's and might be's that there's nothing to do except live for today.
Still I can't help but feel like I'm in between lives...

He's dating someone else.
I spent over $400 on a plane ticket there for Thanksgiving.
It takes more strength than I have to trust fate.