My Journey

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Dropped

I decided to give my spot in a very full sign language class to someone else.
I didn't want to spend every night either at work or in class, which is how the weeks were shaping up.
I wanted to have time to hang out with friends and eat dinner that wasn't carried around in my bookbag all day and then heated in a microwave.
I wanted to have time to play with the attention starved cats...to work out...relax.
I've never dropped a class before.
Cheers to different priorities.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Long Days

My first day of workshops for Schoolcraft were today.
Fun. Inspiring. Welcoming. So much more than I hoped they would be.
They left me excited to meet my students, work with their parents, and be as involved in the school as I can in my 5 weeks there.
Am thinking about starting a separate blog for student teaching. The benefits would be that this blog would stay centered on what it is now...a little bit of whatever I feel inspired to write about.
I would have more time on the other blog to go in depth about my experience there and as an educator in general, and if people aren't interested in that, they wouldn't have to bother checking it.
But then there's the weird feeling that comes when I separate one part of my life from the others. I am an educator in training, a student, a daughter, sister, roomate, friend, and girlfriend. Separating one aspect of these from the others would be awkward at first, and do I really have the time or desire to maintain two blogs?
Hmmm...I will ponder this and get back to you later.

Monday, August 29, 2005

750 Miles Away...

My favorite little girl is getting to be not so little any more.
Pretty soon Grandma will have to find a new place for her 'grown up' magnets if she wants them to remain in one piece.

A New Home

One with pets and a roomate and healthy food and conversations about common interests.
No more class and Senate and burn out.
Days full of students and friends and feeling healthy and balanced for the first time in way too long.
I have four months here and then I will be gone. That's just enough time to do a better job at making time for people. Enough time to enjoy the clean air and clear skies and the sound that the waves make on a windy day. Enough time to learn how to be independent and in love at the same time.
Enough time apart to appreciate really being together.
It will be good. I can feel it.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Distance - Round 2

Your love is better than ice cream
Better than anything else that I've tried
And your love is better than ice cream
Everyone here knows how to fight
And it's a long way down
It's a long way down
It's a long way down to the place where we started from
Sarah MacLachlan

We've made so much progress. We're worth fighting for. We're together for the right reasons. This time it will be different. It has to be.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Lions, Boxes, and Boca Burgers

I spent the morning at the zoo with my students. 2 hours was too much for them, and by the end I was carrying a 2 year old in one arm and a 3 year old in the other.
I'd been to this zoo before but this time was different. They helped me notice not just the animals, but the pictures on the ice cream truck and the puddles of water that form near drains. "Green, green, green!" one of them kept shouting as she pointed at the grass. I wish all of us could remember when such everyday things were so fascinating.
Eric spent nearly 5 minutes making hand prints on the outside of the tiger cage, and when I told him to stop because the tiger wouldn't be able to see out, he sang the tiger the ABCs as an apology.
As I helped them on the bus I didn't say goodbye, but instead 'see you later'. I'll stop by to visit tomorrow, and again the next time I'm in the cities.
I made a difference in the lives of these kids, and as much as part of me doesn't want to, it's time to move on.
After lunch with a friend I came home and began packing. Moving used to be therapuetic - a time to reflect on where I had been and where I was going but today I simply felt in between.
Hikes and coffee and finishing school and catching up with friends vs. ethnic food and sky scrapers and weekends full of movies and plays and culture and a boy. It is not possible to choose one over the other, and as I leave I know that I am lucky to have both.

Monday, August 22, 2005

John

The first time we met was in the back of a grey Pontiac Grand Am. An effort to hook up my roomate and his friend resulted in me nearly sitting on his lap, squished into a seat with three other guys. I recognized his face.
"You're John, right?"
"No. Brandon. And you're Julie."
There was no question.
He knew my name and I didn't know his.
I felt like an ass.
After all, it was my job to know names.
We didn't talk much for the rest of the night.
Turns out he didn't even know it was my job to know names.
We met up again a week later. We talked for hours. My friends called to me from a table across the bar. I didn't move.
The next three months were a blur of coffee dates and conversations that would last throughout the night. I've never skipped so much class in my life. I needed sleep.
The day that he moved I cried. He left, then came back, then left, then came back.
"If you leave I'll quit crying," I said. He did.
Every weekend turned in to every other weekend and then occassionally once a month. It was hard. It was more than hard. It was almost the end.
We came back together and as I moved my stuff in to an apartment half an hour away I questioned whether or not I had made the right decision. What followed were 3 months of plays and movies and dinners and knowing I could sleep next to him if I chose to. It was good for me. It was good for us.
Today what the future holds for us didn't matter. I was brought back to the place that we met and I couldn't help but smile. That was the best car ride I've ever taken.
Perfect summers night
Not a wind that breathes
Just the bullets whispering gentle
‘mongst the new green leaves
There’s things I might have said
Only wish I could
Now I'm leaking life faster
Then I'm leaking blood
David Grey

I want to live life in slow motion.
Experience.
Appreciate.
Love.
Cherish.
Wonder.
I want to re-learn how to be joyful and inspired...

Sunday, August 21, 2005

My Wish For Her



Is that she remembers all of the good things that have happened so far in her life and forgets all the bad.
That she is surrounded by people who love and protect her.
That people who are not ready to unselfishly love and protect her will leave her to those that are.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Movin On Up!

Does anybody have a truck or know somebody who has a truck that we could use to move next Saturday? I'd only need it for a couple of hours because most of my stuff is staying in storage...

Friday, August 19, 2005

Done

Today she left. One by one she walked down the three flights of stairs. She never once took the elevator. She's proud of that. When she reached the bottom she turned around and took a deep breath, put on her sunglasses, and walked confidently out to her car. It had been a good experience. She had met amazing people. It didn't turn out as she had planned, but that no longer mattered.
The going away party they threw her was perfect; big enough to make her feel appreciated, but small enough that she wasn't embarassed. They ate fruit salad and talked about her future plans. They asked her to stay in touch. They think she's on to great things. She does, too.
Tonight she will celebrate with dinner at her favorite Thai restaurant and an evening with a boy of whom she can never get enough.
She's never been good at goodbyes, and as she prepares for her last week in this city she knows that the coming week will not be full of goodbyes, but celebrations. Celebrations for the sunshine and laughter that filled her summer, and for the people she has waiting for her when she returns to what has become her home.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Internship Wrap Up

The last paragraph of my last entry for my Penny Fellowship journal...

The biggest lesson that I learned from this experience is that this is not where I want to be in my career right now. I am not inspired by a day that consists of sitting at a desk and staring at a computer. I want to be out interacting with people and forming positive, nurturing relationships with my students. The work that Ready 4 K is doing is important to the education community. However, I have learned that my place, for now, is in ‘the field’…grading papers and reading stories and giving hugs. My calling is to be a positive role model to the 24 students who know me as their teacher. Teaching is my passion, and while I may someday end up at an organization like Ready 4 K, it will not be until I have had my fill of students. I don’t belong here, not now, and that is as valuable a lesson as any.

And with that I prepare to leave. The tears will come when I leave the 20 little people who bring me laughter everyday...

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Sunday night and again I'm reminded of how fast the weekend goes when filled with so many things I can't get enough of.
Independent movies and plays.
Good food and sleeping in.
Holding hands and laughing and being in the presence of someone who understands me.
This weekend I didn't think about the move or the miles that will soon separate us.
I didn't think about school and teaching and the mix of emotions and stress both will bring.
I didn't think about the things that needed to be done for home and work and the future.
Instead I enjoyed the moments as they came, and found that their passing left me refreshed and at peace.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Toddler Tuesday

We walked 10 blocks to the light rail station, then rode for 5o minutes one way to the Mall of America. 9 adults, 20 toddlers, and many short attention spans, mine included. We talked about the color of the flowers and the size of the cars passing by. We sang songs and did fingerplays and the other people on the train stared in annoyance. You would be a lot more annoyed if I WASN'T doing this with them, I wanted to scream, because they would be running around like hooligans. Afterall, they're 2, and that's what they do best. Instead I simply found comfort in knowing that if it was their kid who was getting my constant attention and affection and guidance, they wouldn't be annoyed. If their kid came to us barely talking or walking and left potty trained, knowing their shapes, colors, and speaking in complete sentences, they would be thanking me.
I'm not a babysitter, punk. I'm a teacher, and teachers use every moment they have with their students. I would not have them sit and stare quitely out the window. I would stimulate their minds and fill the space with laughter, not the silence of dying brain neurons. If their giggles bother you then you're a grinch.
We walked through the MoA and into the Dinosaur museum. Some roared, some stared, others cried and clung to my hand for dear life. I chased a stray toddler when he stole Eric's Cheez Its. "Those aren't yours," I said as I took them before he had a chance to give them to me. It wasn't very teacher like, but a stranger had intruded on something I spend my days nurturing and it made me defensive...that must be what it's like to be a parent.
On the walk back they were much more quiet. Hungry and tired, they begged to be carried and drug their feet when our arms were full. Through green lights and cross walks we journeyed back to our classroom, where they all slept for as long as we would let them. Many had fallen asleep again by the end of the day, and as Milan crawled into my lap for his second nap of the day, I was reminded of just how much I'm going to miss days filled with hugs and snot and laughter and kids who stick their own heads in the toilet.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Dear Bemidji people (even the ones that don't live in Bemidji anymore...),
I miss you guys. As much as I bitch about coming back, please know that I can't wait to spend time with you.
If you can find time, you should return my phone calls and/or emails...cause I'm homesick :(

About a Boy

Today he told me he loved me.
He's told me before, and I'm sure he'll tell me again.
But he tells me at such weird moments that I can never tell when he is or isn't going to say it.
He'll eat just about anything I make, and he loves fruit.
On many occasions he has been my favorite part of the day, and I always look forward to seeing him.
He loves snuggling and playing with my hair.
When someone hurts me, he's always the first to offer comfort.
He's incredibly smart, and a pretty good artist, as far as my amateur eyes can tell.
Soon our time together will be up, and I'll miss him more than he will ever know.
His name is Eric, and he's 2.
He's my student, and along with his 19 partners in crime, he's made my summer.

Poor College Students?

An interesting article about college debt and spending habits.
Is school really that much more expensive, or does our generation have stupid spending habits? I'm as guilty as everyone else. Going out for coffee or dinner is often a weekly experience. Concerts...driving hours to see friends...I probably spend $40 a week on entertainment and stuff I don't really need. that's $160 a month...almost $2000 a year!
I know people who spend at least twice that. People who blow paychecks like they did in high school and have no concept of saving or paying bills or what credit card interest will do to them.
Maybe we're all bad money managers who don't understand what it's like to live within our means. Is it up to society to subsidize our education so that we can continue living our 'grown up' lifestyle without 'grown up' jobs and 'grown up' degrees?
Then again...what about the people that really do pinch every single penny and rely on pell grants and loans to pull them through school? I don't know that I've ever met anybody like that...

Friday, August 05, 2005

Mission: The Eternal Weekend

In 6 hours it will be the weekend. Time for tennis and left over Chinese.
Brunch with his parents, and dinner and drinks with someone that will soon leave for much longer than I would like him to.
A day to ourselves - to explore the farmer's market and uptown art fair.
With every breath...every laugh...every hug...I will remember what it felt like to be here. All too soon I will be gone and the weekends will be eternal no longer, filled instead with work and homework and telephone conversations to someone I wish wasn't so far away...
But for now...we have sunshine and warm temperatures and two days to spend simply being together.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Office Space

I hope that I never turn in to an old, pot bellied man who stands around the copier with his co-workers drinking coffee, slouching, and complaining about everything from back pain to the heat to how bad traffic was this morning.
GO BACK TO YOUR DESKS AND WORK DAMNIT. You are getting paid to fight for little kids and you are FAILING THEM. The worst part isn't even that you really don't give a shit. It's that the $7.50 an hour intern with no company credit card or paid vacation DOES.
I despise people like you.
Lazy grown ups.
Hmph.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Yes.
Let's bully China so they don't take our precious oil.
After all, it's an issue of national security.
PUKE.
Her email helped me prepare...for the opportunities I have there, some of which will work out, while others won't.
Her friendship helps me focus on who I am and where I'm going and the road I've chosen to get there.
As the day approaches with far too much speed, I begin mentally preparing myself to be away from him again. "Don't think about it," he says. "We still have three weeks."
The optimist.
Deep down I know that it will be better this time. Our past and our future will carry us through the present and somehow allow us to focus on each moment as it happens.
And we will be happier, and healthier, living out our independent, but so strongly connected lives...until the time comes when we are once again in the same city.

Not Good Enough

"Volunteer work among the disadvantaged is hardly the solution to the deep-rooted problems of the masses of African American people and are not the sole responsibility of the African American middle class."
Janice Hale