Memories

i know there’s little use in crying
it’s more wide awake and dying then i’m used to
i thought we’d walk these streets together
now i’m hoping that i’ll never have to meet you
step aside from all this anger
and somewhere in between i can feel you
ask me should we try again
i’m thinking no
y’know, it’s not what i believe in
it’s not what i believe in

- Howie Day -

A song that reminds me of sitting in Brandon's house, his room mate playing guitar down the hallway. A relationship that was so much but never enough, and a boy I loved but who was not the partner I needed.
So grateful for the people we became - for the fact that we realized our paths should not be one and separated, and for the boy who eventually became the person I will spend the rest of my life with.

But songs bring back old memories. "I thought we'd walk these streets together now I'm hoping that I'll never have to meet you."
Exactly.

We're still looking for what we've never known
It's like trying to walk back when we've never left our home
- Nate Vaughn

And it feels like giving in
It feels like starting over
It feels like waking up and you know it's coming
It feels like a brand new day

Jars of Clay

I heard this song for the first time while apartment hunting in KC last weekend.
We found a great place to live - yea! I really connect with some of the people on staff at my new job and am excited about the opportunity that I'll have to affect education for the kids of Kansas City.
Still a little sad about leaving - some moments more than others...and know that this month will probably be a really hard one.

Weekend trip to Niagra Falls - one of our last 'bucket list' items. No time to 'emotionally' transition - to step back and reflect before stepping in to another equally intense experience.
I've never been much of a step-backer anyways, but now, at the point of social, emotional, and professional exhaustion, it sounds nice.

Weekends have turned in to the enemy.

Monday through Friday used to represent a grind - a sort of planned chaos that left me exhausted by Friday night. Weekends were spent working out, cooking meals, and savoring wine at our favorite Italian restaurant. I lived for the slower pace of Saturday and Sunday.
Since we've decided to move I dread the weekend. The unstructured time when the reminders of our move follow me around and scream 'WHY AREN'T YOU READY - YOU CHOSE THIS!'
It is now that weekdays turn into my friends. They represent consistency... structure...a familiarity that will be gone all too soon. I chose this move. This job. This change. This uncertainty. This isn't the first time. First was the move to Bemidji. Then Minneapolis. Then NYC. But this time is different.
It is very likely that we will live in Kansas City forever. This is the end of what we always said we would do. My childhood dream has been fulfilled. I spent my entire high school and college career working incredibly hard to get here. And I've worked equally hard the past 4 years....to go back.
I remind myself that my goals have changed. It's important to me that I raise my family around my family. That I raise them in the Midwest. Somewhere in the last 4 years the people who raised me have become more important than my career.
I feel fortunate that I can continue working for a cause I'm passionate about while being only 2 hours from where I grew up.
So why do I feel more like a basket case every day?
Maybe it's because I hate packing.
And the thought of driving across the country with 4 animals.
Maybe it's because I'm afraid I'll hate my job.
Or that I'll suck at it.
Or that I'll hate living in KC.
Or that my kids will hate living in KC and leave just like I did.
Or maybe it's just that goodbyes are my least favorite thing in the world?
Yep - pretty sure that's it.
7 weeks from today we'll be gone.

I think you're already leaving
Feels like your hand is on the door
I thought this place was an empire
But now I'm relaxed - I can't be sure
- Matchbox 20

There's been a slow unravel happening at my school since July. I've seen it coming, tried to warn my principal, talked about it with my fellow admin teammates....but mostly sat back and just watched it happen, not knowing how to stop it.
This week the last piece officially unraveled and we were left in an incredibly big, emotional mess.
Teachers are leaving. My principal is leaving. Teachers who are staying fight for more input into decisions around next year while our current and future principals fight against it, fearing the proposed structure promotes a we vs. them mentality. For the first time since I've worked at this school I can say I largely distrust most of the people I work with.
This is not the way I wanted to leave - personally or professionally. I worry about our kids...and the teachers I work with directly. Our school culture had changed drastically this year and now more closely reflects that of the public middle school we share our building with rather than the no excuses charter school we say we are.
I have been part of a growing school.
I have been part of closing the achievement gap.
I have been a part of significant life change for hundreds of kids.
Not only is it falling apart in front of me, I have no idea how to stop it.

Forcing Change

Today was our network wide PD day - a 'family reunion' of sorts, and in many ways, a goodbye party.
I said goodbye to many people I will not see again before I leave; acquaintances I've come to respect tremendously over the last 2 years, and who will ensure that our kids get to college long after I'm gone.
Ironically, I also had my first check in with my TFA supervisor tonight.
It's a perfect example of life lately - 90% here, 10% there, 100% questioning and in transition.
I remind myself that this is normal. That I've never been 100% about any move I've ever made in my entire life, including when I moved here. That the most important things about this city are coming with me - my hubby, my doggies, and the experience I've earned. And that the reasons for leaving are bigger than any reasons for staying - that we want our kids to grow up the way we grew up - surrounded by family, green grass, and a slower pace of life.
Yet I can't help but feel like I'm leaving so much behind. New York pizza, Central Park, the opporutnity to be a part of a huge movement in urban education, a job that most people would kill to have at 27, the freedom that comes with living out my dream...
I almost wish it was just here already. The in between is so hard.

Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate
- The Fray

Feeling increasingly torn and homesick. Shifting priorities - work is no longer number 1.
Ready to move.