They were married for 57 years.
He's dying.
All she can do is sit beside him and hold his hand and itch his nose for him.
My family is gathered in a room...together...celebrating life and preparing for death and getting ready for the transition that is bound to happen any day now and I am thousands of miles away.
I chose this for myself.
There's nothing I could do even if I was there.
"Go on with your life, we'll keep you updated," they say, and so I do.
I make chocolate chip/banana/walnut pancakes and clean the living room and get ready to go out to dinner but in the middle I cry. Randomly. Sometimes for a few seconds. Other times for half an hour. Always by myself...no one here knows because I haven't found the strength to tell them.
It makes me long for home. The one with only 800 people but all of my family...my family that will soon be 1 member smaller.
The last time I saw him he squeezed my hand and begged me to stay. As I left I cried, filled with guilt for being so far away and not seeing him more and not staying longer when I did see him and knowing that this could be the last time I see him and...and....and...
It was.

Tonight she played.
The Old Boy took the New Girl. It didn't make me mad or jealous or even phase me until tonight when I was listening to her CD and imagining her playing in bare feet with a smile on her face and that little bounce she has that comes from the pure passion inside of her heart that I got sad. Not because of him or her or even her but everything...snow and Minneapolis and Evergreen and Spyhouse and the lakes and old friends and....and....and....
I haven't felt like this for a long time. This starting over worked, but it doesn't mean that the old life is gone. It's who I was, and a part of who I still am, and I still miss it sometimes, like tonight, when she's playing, and I would love to be there with her, and him, maybe not her, but I'm glad that he has her, and that I have someone, too, and that we're both happy.
Our breakup and this move and starting over and chasing dreams didn't get the best of us.
We're still friends...good friends. I'm proud of us for that.

Looking Back - - Moving Forward

It was not the Times Square/crazy/ultimate New York City experience I wanted it to be.
I was not surrounded by 2 million people. There were no crazy 2007 glasses or thunder sticks or confetti.
Instead I drank champagne and laughed with the New Boy and his friends and my friends as the hours melted in to each other. I couldn't help but think about how much I'd learned over the last year. About myself and life...about change and how sometimes it's so needed but how it must be forced upon your heart and mind and how even when the change happens, sometimes the adjustment must also be forced. How dreams don't always feel like you thought they would, especially not at first, but it doesn't mean you should give up on them. How goodbyes are painful but sometimes needed, and how the space between goodbyes and hellos can be incredibly lonely.
Somewhere around 4 am it hit me that somehow I managed to find yet another group of people who support me and make me feel at home. So many people never find 1 such group. This is my third. I'm so incredibly lucky.
The high of happiness and bubbles from champagne and the excitement that still comes just from being here kept us awake until 6 am.
5 hours later we awoke to begin the new day...to prepare for students - to set goals, clean apartments, cleanse bodies, and rest minds. Tomorrow I see my babies again :)