I remember the nights I watched as you lay sleeping
Your body gripped by some far away dream
Well I was so scared and so in love then
And so lost in all of you that I had seen
Sarah McLachlan

It's been a month.
I still miss him.
I still think of him multiple times every day.
Our lives were too intertwined to just walk away and not look back.
When something really good or really bad happens it takes so much strength to not call him.
****
We are not friends. We are two very hurt people trying to deal with this in our own way but still process together sometimes. Sometimes we have 'how was your day' conversations and sometimes we have hour long conversations that send us in painful circles of what could have been/should of been...

I'm making really great friends here but at the end of the day I still feel like something is missing.

Hold on to anything
Everything's over and done
Has the fear taken over you
Tell me
Is that what you want
To make up your life
Rob Thomas

Investing in people half way across the country because they are my new home.

Talking myself out of the fear that I will never find another him.
That I will regret my decision and want him back and he will not want the same.
That he will succeed and we will end up exactly where we wanted to go except for we will be alone.
That our attempt to be friends will only result in more animosity.
And sometimes, on good days, the only fear that I have is that I will be perfectly fine without him.

Ditto

"I don’t have to be we, but it’s hard to be me without thinking of us."
Her words mirror the struggle I still have, on one level or another, daily.

I forget how much I take my friends for granted.
Thanks for all of your calls and texts and emails - sorry mom, I'm probably way over on my minutes :) (Our family plan is really Julie uses all the minutes plan...)

Life is starting to resemble some measure of normalcy I think. We're going through this apart, but together.
There is more understanding than there has been in a long time and we're focusing on our own lives and careers and choices with the comfort that our best friend is still just a phone call away.
I'm single and completely comfortable with it.
With that said, the process of honoring and reflecting on the last 2 and a half years is private and will not, for the most part, be chronicled here.