Thanksgiving, According To The Boy

Since he took the time to write the post and put up the pictures, you can read about (and see) our incredible food on his blog.

I was raised with Thanksgivings full of people, food, and chatter that never died down. Even if I wasn't part of any conversation, there was comfort in simply being around dozens of people that knew everything about me...
This Thanksgiving I think about returning to all of that and I can't help but realize that my priorities are shifting. This city and the dream of living here are not what they used to be and I am ready to return to the chatter...the relationships...and a little girl who is old enough to realize that I am never around.

The Truth

Spoken to a friend over the phone today...preparing myself for June, knowing how hard goodbyes will be.
"Some will graduate, some will go to different settings, and the ones that are left....are going to feel betrayed and abandoned." I said.
It was the first time I had ever admitted that to myself.
Betrayed. Abandoned.
Today they prayed before their Social Studies test. 4 of them formed a circle and held hands. They unite at the most important times. "Lord, let us do well today. Ms. G says we are ready and she believes in us. Make us stay calm and do good. Let Ms. G see us graduate and go to prom. We know she gonna cry! And we will too. Can I get a amen?"
How do I make them understand? How do I keep them from feeling like I lied to them?
Most of all, how do I justify leaving kids that are so much...mine? In my mind the decision has already been made, but my heart breaks every time I think about them ever finding out.

BBQ, Sunflowers, and the World's Cutest Niece

Applying for a new job means filling out placement surveys.
1st choice: New York City. It's probably where I would be placed, should I get the job. I taught here. They know me. I know people here. It makes sense.
2nd choice: Kansas City. Never ever in my life did I think I would volunteer to go back to the state where I grew up. But there's something about the possiblity of watching a little girl grow up, if only for a little while, that appeals to me. Maybe I won't get the job. Maybe I'll get placed in New York. Maybe I'll get my third choice, or my fourth....or maybe I'm supposed to go back.

The Boy's contract at Parade is up, so we are again living on one income.
Last time it was only for a week or so. Hopefully this time it will be the same.
With Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up, I'm reminded of how expensive this city is, and how little we've actually saved, and how much tension money, or knowing there's not enough, can bring to a house.

Has anybody else seen that commercial where the cookie turns in to a car?
Seriously.
I don't get it.
It came on tonight and the Boy was like, mmm, cookies, and I go, just wait it turns it to a car.
And it did.
It was hilarious.
Maybe you had to be there.
Or maybe not.
The cookie does turn in to a car, after all.

Mice Are Not My Friends

But yet they seem to really like our apartment.
We have put steel wool down holes, duct taped them shut, and put out numerous traps. We clean all the time and don't leave out food.
But alas, we live in New York City. And it's getting cold. Which means mice season. Eew.
Today, as I was making myself some delicious cornbread to go with my yummy veggie chili that the boy and I slow cooked all day, I saw something run across the top of the toaster oven out of the corner of my eye. Mind you, I am terrified of mice, and think I always see them.
'Just make your cornbread, it's nothing' I told myself.
Then, it ran across the counter and behind the stove, in all of it's grey, furry, long tailed glory.
I left the room just as fast as it had scurried under the stove.
"There'samouseinthekitchenandI'mgoingtopeemypants," I told the boy. "Go catch it."
"What?" he asked.
"There'samouseinthekitchenandI'mgoingtopeemypants," I told the boy. "Go catch it. Hurry, before it comes in here."
And, being the knight in shining armor he is, he did, and he trapped it, but then neither one of us know what you do with a trapped mouse, and before we could figure it out (me yelling from the other room, feet up on the couch), it escaped to under the stove.
Oy. I will not miss all the rodents when we leave this city.

Crossroads

I've been asked to consider going on staff with TFA. 2 years ago I would not have considered this. 2 months ago I wouldn't really have even considered it. I wanted to teach a 3rd year. I wanted to see my original group of 3rd graders graduate. I wanted to have tenure here before moving on to something else. My fear is that once I leave the classroom I will never return, and that 2 years of classroom experience simply isn't enough to do what I want to do.
But then I teach at this school where now, even when my kids have improved so much, I find myself hating going to work everyday. My para has not shown up since the beginning of October, and in September she missed 4 days. She was supposed to come back Wednesday of this week, then called and said it would be Friday, then called and said it would be November 12th. Yeah, we don't have school on November 12th. About 2 weeks in to this whole fiasco I was lucky to find a good sub who filled in for the rest of the absence, but she has now worked over 30 days so the school, according to Union contract, has to hire her permanently. She's good with the kids, has a college degree, the kids love her....perfect hire, right? Not at my school. They thanked her for her service and told her not to come back, after telling her they were going to hire her. They defend all the wrong people. They worry about the wrong things. We teach kids to take tests, and then fire teachers if their kids don't pass them. Teachers are held to an unbelieveable degree of accountable with tracking sheets and data and posters and bulletin boards having to be done just a certain way. Then there's all of this "support staff" that gets paid way more that sits around, drinks coffee, and eats sandwhiches from the bodega.
This system is incredibly broken, and my school, despite the efforts of so many hard working, dedicated teachers, is a big ball of political red tape. (By the way, our principal's kids go to private school in Jersey.) I'm so incredibly frustrated....and jaded.....and I don't know if I want to do this for another year.
It's not about can, or should - it's about want. Where do I want to be? Where will I be the most effective? For the first time since I joined TFA, I'm finally seeing the big picture and thinking that maybe I would be more effective outside the classroom. A majority of my kids will be graduated or in different settings by the end of next year, and I would have to find a way to stay in touch with those that weren't. Maybe a monthly reading group at McDonalds or something. And as for where my career would lead, in the classroom or out, I really don't know. I can't teach special ed in the Bronx forever. My heart invests too much and I get too frustrated at administration that doesn't communicate and systems that continually fail, even when I've done my best to fix them. Maybe I will teach again somewhere else. Maybe even in this city at a different school. Maybe my heart will get the best of me and I'll stay at my school for another year....but right about now I feel like moving forward....moving my kids forward....preparing them for me to leave....and then....just....leaving.