There's homework to do and lessons to plan and lists to make...but for now they will have to wait. It's one of those days where I feel like I've squeezed all of the life out of this 30th of November and it's time to sleep...tomorrow is waiting for me.

Unlike her, I braved the ice and snow and crappy roads. Well, I wasn't exactly brave...but me and my trembling hands and pounding heart and over active imagination made it.
1 long ass drive from Kansas + 11 friends who don't answer their phones when I need a place to stay + 1 lonely hotel room in Little Falls = 1 dedicated as all hell student teacher who doesn't want to come back in January to make up free labor hours

Tofurkey

It was all that I needed it to be.
Time with family and good food and relaxation and sleeping in and more laughter than my body has felt in a very long time.
Comfort.
No drama.
The freedom to just be...with no titles and no expectations.
A little girl who I adore more than anyone else in the entire world...
And knowing that I get to do it all over again in 3 weeks :)

There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me

The pain that comes from learning to give up on someone hurts more than any other emotion I've ever felt.
To believe...and love...and want so much, only to realize that you see more in someone than they will ever see in themselves...
To consciously change the way you view the future, realizing that if you don't you will compromise the dreams you have for yourself...
Planning to walk away while they're still in your life not so much because there's still things to 'work on', but because a little part of you will hang on until the very last minute...the very last goodbye and hug and tear and conversation...the very last breath that leads to the moment when there is no other choice than for it to be....
over.

I Heart Sunday Mornings

And kiwi fruit and homemade chai and french toast made with 7 grain bread and organic eggs and soy milk, topped with 100% maple syrup.
Sunny days and hours of work ahead of me are met by the peacefullness that comes from a break that is only two days away.

It really irks me that teaching is a 'back up plan' for many people. They get to their junior year and don't know what they want to do so they decide 'Hey, maybe I'll teach.'\ I get summers off and work 8-3 everyday. How hard could it be?'
Rarr. You are preparing the future of this country. If you are not balls to the wall passionate about it don't set foot in a classroom.
I hope to God none of you ever teach my kids.

This time next week I will be full.
Of good food and quality time with people I see much less than I would like to.
Lost in the warmer weather and alone time with him and time to laugh and bond with a little girl who's grown so much since I last saw her.
All of what I need right now will be in one place in less than a week.
Yay.
Yay.
Yay.

Lots and lots of good today...

The weather was bad today so we took our students on a walk in the tunnels. When we passed the stairs in Pine I couldn't help but think of how many times I had climbed them to see him. How many times we had climbed them together...the fact that never once had I walked down them angry at him. Memories of ordering morning bagels from Paul Bunyan Sub Shop, watching movies, doing homework...taking naps. Life was different then...we were different then. Not better, or worse...just different and today I missed the way things used to be.
I have so many good memories of those days...of me...of him...of us. Our beginning was incredible.
No ending, good or bad, could ever take that away. There's comfort to be found in that.
Still, I can't help but feel that this short break is the beginning of something longer and more permanent. It's not over yet, I keep telling myself.
Yet.
Part of me wants to escape yet for the rest of my life.

She goes to Chicago and comes back listening to llama music.
What the hell.

A New Lullaby

For nearly 2 years I have gone to sleep to the comfort of our conversations.
The phone pressed to one ear, a pillow to another...I felt safe knowing that somewhere, he was doing the same thing.
Tonight I will go to sleep to the sound of a fan and an empty apartment. In the morning I will be greeted by two cats and a confused, yet determined sense of independence that somehow got lost in the shuffle of oh so many emotions.

Hey Kidnapper,
Bring back the cats.
Love,
Roomie

Fall in Kansas

Choices

I need time to think...lots and lots of time. Time to remember how things were and how we wanted them to be and how, one way or another, all of that brought us here.
Every moment is another decision. Stay or go. Call or don't call. Love or don't love.
There are things that need to be decided not now, not tomorrow, but with time and laughter and conversation and tears. It's a process, getting to where ever we end up, and we'll experience it together.
We have 7 months before I leave, so for now it's time to take a break.
No conversations for a few days.
Time for me to get lost in being here. The routine of school and home and work bring a numbness that's comforting. Get lost in myself and remember what it was like without him...
Focus on today instead of yesterday or tomorrow.
Me instead of us.
Surface instead of complicated depth.
Not for always...but for now.

Somewhere In Chicago

It's someone's birthday.
A year ago his Jeep moved from a parking spot into the ditch all by itself.
How quickly time passes...
Forgive me for not remembering until now. I can be very self absorbed sometimes. I'm sure you'd be the first person to tell me that :)

And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster...
Kelly Clarkson

If only there wasn't so much love in the middle of it all...

How long, how long, how long will we take to come undone?
If you know the answer tell me now and I'll write up a calendar for our count down.
Cause what if what we see is all, is all we've got?
Missy Higgins

What if it's not enough and it's happened so often that apologies aren't even believed anymore?
What if she catches herself constantly thinking of life with him vs. life without him and walks away scared by the rationality of it all?
It's not the future she's afraid of, it's tomorrow, and the day after that, and her birthday and his birthday and holidays, and all of the things that would seem so incomplete without him.
It's the thought that she may never meet anyone like him again.
That her heart would ache at the loss of her best friend...forever.
That she would live in a numb bubble from that day on.
And that staying would suck the life out of her until there was nothing left but a memory of who they once dreamed of being.

If I got hit by a bus tomorrow I would not be happy with the way I spent today.
In fact, I would be pretty damn mad because 90% of this semester...emotionally, academically, and financially...has been preparing for next year.
Something needs to change but living completely for today would pretty much ruin the chances I had at kicking ass in the next phase of my life.
I need the piece of paper that tells the world I'm qualified to do what I already know I can do - teach little kids.
Balance balance balance.
It's something I've never been very good at.
I wake up each day and think, get through today and you're closer to tomorrow, which is closer to the end of the week, which is closer to the end of the semester, and on and on and on.
The hair dryer turns off, signaling my turn in the bathroom and I get up.
Not because I want to...not even because I have to. I could quit if I wanted. I get up because...well...I don't know why. I guess because the mom voice in my head says it's what I'm supposed to do.
Ugh - what I would give to not feel so freaking restless.

Substance

There is none.
Just papers I'm tired of writing and reading I'm tired of doing.
Free labor and life on auto pilot.

Willaby Wallaby Wamy
An elephant sat on Amy

It's a weird thing, student teaching.
Working all day but never getting paid.
There is no 10 minute break between classes, no lunch hour, no option of skipping, no surprised cancelled class, no sleeping in.
A $3000 dollar school bill and papers due.
Class and group projects and too much work crammed in to too little time.
Graduation and the 'real world' so close I can taste it.
Wanting nothing more than for the next phase in my life to be here now.
Appreciating what I have and who I have here, knowing that life will never be like this again.
Feeling constantly in transition and not completely ready for either the beginning or the end.

I hate days...and weeks....when nothing seems to go right.
No money and working for free really sucks.