It's all in the one word
That stops and steals the time
Goodbye
Tracy Chapman

And she leaves. She will be back someday but it will be different. She will appreciate the lake when she drives by it. Dunn Bros. and the State Park and biking around the lake and Harmony...they will all be crammed into a weekend or a vacation, no longer part of her daily life. She will stay with friends or in a motel. This will no longer be her home.
For a while she will drift. From apartment to dorm, back to apartment. From city to city...starting over more times than she has prepared herself for.
She will leave behind people she would love to take with her and she will cry many tears for all the memories she's made with them. She hates this about herself - the crying part...but it's part of who she is and she's learned to accept it.
She's ready to leave and excited about the future. It's been her dream for years now and she's thisclose to it being her reality. She's ready to prepare and grow and learn and succeed.
A year from now her life will be very different.
In the midst of all the apprehension that comes with change, her soul know it's about time.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
Coldplay

I want to bypass the packing and the planes and the waiting and just be there.

A Duet

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it GLOWS!

We went on like this for almost 20 minutes, singing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer over and over again, with me singing all but the last word in each line, because the last word is all she can remember, but she is so enthusiastic about that last word that she's the star of the whole song.
We attracted many onlookers with our antics...we have a small center and she sings...well...rather loud.
I couldn't help but hum the song for the rest of the day.
There's so many things about these kids that I will miss.
2..........more............days..........

Picking out her Christmas tree...
Yes, as a matter of fact I am the cutest baby in the entire world...
See! I can even float!
And climb all the way up the counter from my high chair to the counter where Grandma keeps the goodies :)

The Last...

Weekend we'll spend here...together...like it used to be.
Time I'll see casual friends...the ones you vow to stay in touch with just to make the departure easier.
Sunday workout I'll ever have at the Rec.
Trip to Luekens.
Thursday at school and Friday at school.
Time he will leave and make the 4 hour drive home.

So many endings and I'm ready...more ready than I ever thought I would be.
I'll miss things about Bemidji...people mostly...but it's time to leave.
Ready or not rest of my life...here I come.

My Stomach is Swimming in Sugar

Pretty sure my dinner of grown-by-my-dad sweet potato and seitan was just off set by all the cookies I ate.
Yummy.

One day at a time...
The only way to fully experience the next month of my life.
The end of student teaching and way too many goodbyes.
A party and a move and a flight to a place with family and cookies and togetherness.
A new apartment that is only mine and a chance to build something, although I'm not sure what it is yet.
Days filled with so much that to be constantly looking forward to the future or missing the past would be cheating the present.
One laughter filled, holiday spirited moment at a time.
I can't wait.

Today he fell in 6 inches of snow...face first.
He tried to make a snow angel but got stuck.
His little 2 year old body was sprawled out in the snow, face down, screams muffled by the surrounding white.
I picked him up and he cried. His face was covered with snow and it hurt. I couldn't stop laughing.
"You looked silly!" I said.
"Yeah!" he laughed. We both laid on our backs looking up at the snow and laughing for the next two minutes, our laughter attracting more and more toddlers until we were all laying in six inches of snow giggling at everything and nothing all at the same time.
Something about them is magic.
Go little kids.

This weekend was a blur of boys. No drama...just safety and comfort and me developing the courage to stay when I want and leave when I want.
There was pasta and Balderdash...brunch and homework at Starbucks. The signing of a lease, Christmas shopping, and a strong departure.
A drive full of how are you's and I'm glad your comings...hours of conversation and food made while I relaxed.
"How can I help?" I asked.
"Sit here and just hang out with me," he said. It was good. Something about him feels like home, even after all this time.
Comfort...peace...stars...
I'm ready.
For everything.

Other People's Words

While I was watching you did a slow dissolve

But when you hold me like you do
It feels so right
I start to forget
How my heart gets torn

Well, some things in this world you just can’t change
Some things you can’t see until it gets too late
Baby, baby, baby when all your love is gone
Who will save me from all I’m up against out in this world
And maybe, maybe, maybe
You’ll find something that’s enough to keep you

We gave each other up so easily
These silly little wounds will never mend
I feel so far from where I've been
So I go, and I will not be back here again
Vanessa Carlton

I walk in the air between the rain.
Through myself and back again .
Where?
I don't know.
Counting Crows - Round Here

This song has been haunting me lately. It has a way of making me think about the past and singing it with Laura and Julie A and Amy all gathered around a little coffee table, computer screens up, acoustic guitars comforting the stress of the week. It makes me face where I am now and all of the decisions that the future inevitably brings. It makes me feel good about the falling snow and hot chocolate and cats that attack my feet when I move.
I had a good conversation today about the oddities of leaving - moving for good - in December. There is not the warmth and finality that comes in May. There is no ceremony...no 'what are you doing this summer' conversations. There is Christmas and finals and planning for the spring and friendships lost in routines of work and family and school with the expectation of reconnecting after break.
There will be promises to come and visit, and I will...but not as much as we tell ourselves to make the departure easier to handle. Life gets in the way and people move on, and I've always been someone who embraces the future more than the past.
This has been my home for 5 years. I've grown...fallen...loved...laughed...raged. I came here 5 years ago a nieve 18 year old who knew nobody in the entire state. I leave a much different person, and it's weird to think that the transition is happening without it really happening. It's lost in so many other things and feels very anticlimatic.
I wanted closure - a farewell that did justice to my time here.
Maybe the only farewell that could do that is a "See you later."

Realizing

That I have a crap ton of stuff to do before the end of the semester.
That I really will miss a lot of things about Bemidji.
That a part of me is oh so ready to leave this time in my life....and part of me wants to hang on to now forever.
That I'm a lot stronger than I've thought I was for a really long time.
That things are more complicated than anyone will ever know...but moments of pure simplicity save me from getting lost in the complications.
That most days I really don't know what tomorrow will bring and suprise - the world hasn't ended yet.

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Damien Rice

With all the goodbye's I'm longing to say, I dread the moment when he sees our future like I now do. He has hope and he's trying and he's not giving up on himself or me or us. I admire him for that, and wonder if someday I will look back and be ashamed by my restlessness - my need for him to be what I want him to be now without waiting for him to grow into it.
Funny how now it's the good moments that bring tears to my eyes.

"I can't take my eyes off of you..." he sang just a week ago.
They say love isn't enough...but sometimes it feels like it could be.

I would give anything to know how it ends. Happily ever after would change the way we interact with one another...but for now I'm planning on 'complicated until June' and then I leave and he doesn't.
It's this wierd process of being mad and dissapointed and sad and grieving for all that we could have been but will not be.
Knowing that there could, and probably will be someone else...someday...but for now someday feels far away...blocked by the thought of getting through so many tomorrows without him.
I never pictured an end like this...full of greys and ups and downs. I pictured no end or one that was mutual and clear cut. There's still love and a desire to be together but it's drowned out by broken promises and dreams that don't seem to come together as well as we'd hoped for.

20 Days

Until the end.
There is no balance. Only burned bridges and regrets of a semester spent in chaos. Too much work and not enough time to process and appreciate.
Moments lost in a routine I've grown to look forward to only because it makes the days pass more quickly.