I've waited and I'll wait some more
Won't see me knocking on another door
But all this is crazy and amazing
There's only one half of us that I'm saving
So I'm praying just to let it go
Watch from a distance just to see you glow
Mat Kearney

It's so nice to cook and vent together after stressful days. To laugh and relax and realize at the end of the night that bad moods have faded because of the mere presence of the other person.

As I walked home with the snow crunching beneath my feet I couldn't help but think of how odd it is that to my family and most of my friends (all except the NYC bunch), this boy (man, Jakeus) is a complete stranger.
That needs to change.

How quickly things fall apart when two stubborn, strong willed people come together in a relationship.
We realized that the argument was a stupid one. That the connection we shared meant too much to walk away over something so trivial, but unlike the Old Boy, the New Boy does not back down in trivial, stupid situations. Neither do I. So we broke up. Didn't call, or text, or email, except to find a time to exchange our stuff.
Even I, in all of my stubbornness, knew it would not be that easy, and it wasn't.
In between the exchange of paper bags was a conversation. It's one thing to walk away when you know it should be over. It's another thing to walk away over such a stupid argument. Luckily, this time, his stuff stayed at my house, and my stuff went back to his.

Stuff

In the end it came down to stuff. His and mine. His stuff at my house and my stuff at his house and how we would get it back.
5 months of lives coming together are symbolized by toothbrushes and pajamas and books and food and the occasional dress shirt or pair of socks. Yesterday he forgot his shoes.
It took 157 days to come together. It took 20 minutes for me to put it all in 2 paper bags that now sit by the front door waiting to be returned.
It can’t be this easy. There’s too much that’s being avoided – too much focus put on extra contact cases and ½ empty bags of trail mix and toothbrushes that aren’t needed at our own apartments anyway.

So the New Boy is gone.
At least I think so.
I can't decide if I want him to be or not. Does my indecision mean I should fight for him or let him go? Do I really love him or just the place he fills in my life? Not knowing is scary and seems really unfair to him. Can you really love somebody after 6 months? Love grows...evolves...and we are growing, and evolving, so why does it feel so easy to walk away sometimes?
I don't think I believe in the kind of love I used to believe in. I think I believed in movie love. Love song love. Chick flick love.
There is a kind of love where you feel appreciated, supported, protected, and unconditionally accepted. I felt that with the Old Boy, but also don't feel like we're supposed to be together anymore, so then can you love more than one person in your life?
Do you marry someone just because you met at the right stage in your lives?
I don't know how to casually date. I don't think I want to. It's time to be alone for a while, I think. Focus on friends and career and family and this city and realize that someday all of this will happen again...

Reason Why

I think about how it might have been
We'd spend our days travelin'
It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me the way you wanted me
So, I will head out alone, hope for the best
And we hang our heads down
As we skip the goodbyes
And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there
Rachel Yamagata

Tomorrow would have been the 3rd anniversary with the Old Boy. We never really celebrated it as an anniversary. We thought it was corny. We didn't really even celebrate Valentines day. Instead we ate pizza and spent time together and built a tradition that was so very us.
Tomorrow I'll be spending the night with a new boy, who is now The Boy. First sushi, then Carnegie Hall (to see the Minnesota Symphony, of all things...) It's a different life, the one here, with the New Boy. Not better, or worse, but different...who I am...now. Evolution is a good thing.
So much has changed in a year. We're both happy, I think. So are the New Boy and the New Girl. Who'd have thought? Happy Valentines Day, Old Boy. I think that for the rest of my life, pizza on February 14th will make me think of you...

Aaliyah

Playing with Papa on the stairs....our "little" girl who isn't little anymore...

Mushrooms

Tonight as I was making dinner I couldn't remember whether or not the Old Boy liked mushrooms.
My mom doesn't. Laura doesn't. My roomate doesn't. The New Boy does.
But what about the Old Boy? I was with him for 2 and a half years. How could I not remember that?
I thought and thought and thought and before I knew it I was cutting mushrooms and crying because I couldn't remember whether he liked them or not.
I called him.
We needed to talk about my grandpa's death and funeral and school and his new job and our lives now, without eachother...to have a good conversation, like we usually do, because it had been incredibly too long since we'd had one of those.
Instead I asked him if he liked mushrooms and danced around all of the other issues as I tried over and over to swallow the lump in my throat.
He does...by the way....like them.
Not corn, or ham, or Bud Light. But mushrooms, he likes.
The real conversation will just have to wait until I can actually have a real conversation without crying.

Sunday Morning

Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
Maroon 5

Things return to normal, or the new normal...now.
I still don't sleep right and walk around in a haze of half asleep/half awake all the time. That will return to normal soon, I'm sure.
The New Boy has been amazing. There has been lots of sushi, chocolate, and just....being.
There are still random crying moments. Maybe there always will be.
There are also lots of I want to go home moments. As in the home with 800 people and lots of little cows and my favorite 2 year old. It's easy to hide there...not have to explain who I am or who he was or why certain things remind me of him because people just know.
It will get better....
Time to go make spinach/artichoke dip.
To the New Boy and his friends, the Superbowl is like a national holiday. They spent all weekend preparing for this party. It's going to be huge. I'm not used to all of this. I'm just waiting for the day the Yankees make it to the World Series. The party may last all year. Goodness.