5 Days

In 5 days I will have new students.
In 5 days he will be here.
In 5 days the weekend, and the joy of sleeping in and cooking and relaxing will be here.
In 5 days the road to somewhere else gets a higher speed limit.
5 days.

It's the 30th of October. I feel like I'm drowning in papers and reading and work and money and relationships and being here but missing him and counting down every single day and committment that I have until Thanksgiving when I can finally go home.
Breathe.
The fading color of fall is accompanied by frosty mornings, approaching deadlines, and the same kind of restlessness I feel every year about this time. The urge to get out - be done - move on. Struggling to find balance and contentment, while knowing that without them I will go insane.

And they drive away together, with their seat belts on, still driving over the speed limit, but not quite so much this time. The radio plays a familiar tune and he reaches over to hold her hand.
She smiles and knows that this is a journey they're meant to travel together.
Along the way there will be detours and rest stops and traffic jams...still, the scenery will make it all worth while.

The Wreck of the Day

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
Anna Nalick

When does it become more us and less work?
The key word is when...not if. That's progress.

It's probably just an aunt thing but her smile makes my day :)

I want a hermit crab.

Could somebody please explain to me the big attraction to facebook?
I didn't get it....so I joined...and I still don't get it.

Hold on to anything
Everything's over and done
Has the fear taken over you
Tell me is that what you want to make up your life
Rob Thomas

Fearing that forgiveness is nothing more than permission to mess up again, I hold grudges.
Fearing that my voice is taken for granted, I don't always answer the phone.
Fearing that vulnerability will only hurt me in the long run, I'm only open when I feel like it.
This is not how I want to live.
Love forgives...love converses...love is eternally vulnerable.
It's not that I don't trust - I do...more than I ever have anyone else in my entire life.
I stumbled upon unconditional belief and acceptance and safety...permission to explore without being judged, knowing that I had a safety net to catch me if I fell.
Movies and TV shows and love songs have ruined real love by making us think that it's perfect all of the time, when the reality of real hurt and real tears and real apologies are more beautiful than the right line at the right time ever could be.
Growth is real and will conquer my fears.

Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."
Lindsi

Cravings of a Vegetarian

I'm craving a hamburger.
I haven't eaten a hamburger (or any beef for that matter) in 9 years.
It would make me sick, and I would probably hate the taste.
I think that the raising of beef for human consumption is environmentally and ethically wrong.
Still...I'm craving a hamburger.
Weird.

I miss him.

Pumpkin Pie

The pie that we made yesterday from fresh pumpkin tastes even better now than it did last night.
Maybe it's because it had a day to rest and soak up the flavor from the spices we added.
Maybe it's because it's cold instead of warm.
Maybe it's because after coming back from class, I'm really really hungry.
Or maybe it's because with every bite I am reminded of his laugh that even now makes me smile...his touch that's calming and comforting and invigorating all at the same time...his eyes and the way they say exactly what he's feeling...because weekends together that make me think yes...I could do this for a very very long time.

Goofy Face

And where did all those teeth come from?

Engagements and weddings and talk of people planning to spend their futures intertwined with someone else.
Ever since I was little I've wondered....how do they know? How do they know they won't change in 5 or 10 years? How do they know they won't get the urge to just run...alone...someday, and never come back? How do they know that the decision they're making is made out of logic and not just the butterflies that come from hearing, "I love you." How do they know they won't meet someone else later...and that they won't end up divorced...like half of all people that get married.
I don't know that I'll ever know - it's not in my nature. So do you just leap and hope that your heart and head will continue to agree for the rest of your life?

Phew.
That was much more drama than I'm used to.
Thank God for moms who can calm you down even when they're 750 miles away.

I Love My Mom

"Take this time to enjoy your friends, enjoy Bemidji, enjoy the end of your illustrious career as a college student. You've worked so hard for the last few years … don't let the lake pass you by without enjoying it …. frozen or not!"

Strategy

Fill up free time with activities and people that give me positive energy.
Don't stress about things like dirty dishes and a messy desk - I will clean them tomorrow.
Enjoy the funny moments...teachable moments...realize that there are people who have much less money and hate their job much more than me that manage to be happy.
Find comfort in the fact that I've been lucky enough to live out my passions for years. I woke up many mornings excited to go to a meeting or a class. 3 months will allow me to wake up with passion again...this is a stepping stone that could have some pretty good scenery if I choose to open my eyes.

Us 12 Months Ago

Just, walk away and gather your thoughts for the second wave
Of this arguement on this epic changing day
It's crazy to think that an hour ago all things were great.
But we stand here both proud both wrong and right
Throwing cheap shots in this stubborn fight
And our lives are so intertwined and one
But we're just so stuck in this moment and it's clear that we're coming undone
And you see it's hard for me to breath
When I got all worked up with these feelings
And I don't know exactly how it is but we can be so mad we consider it to not exist
But we both know that theres so much love clenched within our fists

The goodbye waves, in the driveway just resinate
And yes I'm throwing it right back at her
While we're drowning in rivers from our face
As we just want to know "If this, is this, over?"
A trembling silence fills the air as we stand here so impaired but so aware

So hey now maybe it's being stupid
Maybe it's being dumb
Maybe it's time that we stopped and we realize that fighting will win
We are one
How at first it's pure and lovely
The battle can be torn to shreds with time and with patience and with love and effection
Can beat this with needles and thread
Because I love you, and you love me, and nothing will make that sway
So don't walk away
The Rocket Summer

How much I've learned about myself since then...

Reflection

Time to think...be in nature...wake up to the sound of waves and leaves and the smell of fall mornings. The crunch of yellow and red and brown was what I needed to feel temporarily at peace, even though the time spent inside my head had reminded me of feelings I'd been trying to ignore.

I am not happy here. Looking for something to change, and realizing that sometimes it isn't as simple as changing what's making you unhappy. Sometimes happiness can only come with time, and the changes that time will bring.

Being in the same city as him.

Seeing my family.

Having enough money to live the life I want to live...to go out for coffee once a week, make dinner for friends, buy Draino and not wonder what part of the budget it will come from.

I will make the most of this...of how and where I spend my days....but I will also look forward to Friday afternoons and January 1st.

Ditto

The more I watched, the more I took joy in the fact that I don't play the downtown game any more.
There were guys drinking far too much, dressed in their catch-phrase tee shirts with the attemptedly appropriate five o'clock shadow going on and just the right sway in their hair to gain the affections of a "hot chick."
There were girls drinking far too much, dressed in the newest trendy stuff always fixing and adjusting the one strand of hair that may have blown out of its strategically sprayed place, walking with the walk that tells guys to look but only touch if invited by the sultry gaze.
Angela

The Road to Understanding...

Was filled with many misunderstandings.
Miscommunications and hurt feelings.
Sighs and tones that were taken the wrong way.
We're so much better now.
We've learned things about each other some people don't learn over decades.
He knows my moods and my looks and smiles and tears and how to respond to them.
This has been a good experience....the being apart.
I need to keep reminding myself of that.

Eric

He saw me through the window and ran up to it, yelling my name. When I didn't immediately go out to see him he cried...confused.
I opened the door and he ran up to me. I picked him up and he hugged me for a good 5 minutes, refusing my attempts to put him down.
We played baseball in between periods of him sitting on my lap playing with my hair. He needed comfort and attention, and I was more than willing to give it to him.
I can still understand him better than any teacher in that place.
"The transition has been hard for him," they tell me.
I had a gut feeling it would be.
I saw him as much as I could and spent our last 15 minutes together preparing him for the fact that I would not be back for a while. He was okay with it...more so than I was.
How I would love to just bring him home with me...
Something about him and how the world has shaped his 3 year old personality tug at my heart strings...

All for Believing

Pull back the shield between us, and I'll kiss you
Drop your defenses and come into my arms
I'm all for believing
Missy Higgins

In what we have and what we could be and how we've gotten here.
In prioritizing certain aspects of my life over others, realizing that it may be a gamble I later regret.
Right now it's the only way to feel at home here.

Dinner with 3 Boys

Wine, homemade Indian food, brussel sprouts, green tea, and lots of laughter.
New faces, comfortable conversation.
We'll do it again soon, and I'll introduce them to seitan.

Tomorrow I get the escape that was needed 4 days ago. Kids and apple orchards and my boy and good food - exactly what I need to re-focus.

The Plan

And so she makes plans to escape...part of her feeling like a hypocrite, the other part of her looking forward to the drive and the destination that will meet her Thursday night.
Friday she will get some much needed time with some of her favorite kids in the world. She'll play and laugh and soak up all of the steal-your-heart moments she knew she would miss.
Saturday she will spend a day with a boy on a real date...and Sunday...Sunday will bring the kind of goodbye that is rejuvenating and calming.
She will come back ready to invest in what she has here instead of longing so much for everything that is far away.

The Start of Not Enough

When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
Coldplay

Most of the time our weekends together give me energy. I leave feeling ready for the upcoming week...looking forward to the next time I see him, but also to all that will happen before then. They're fun and relaxing and full of the comfort that comes from who we are together.
It was all I could do the entire drive home today not to turn around. I didn't feel comforted or at peace or relaxed, but anxious and angry at nothing but Sunday night.
Tomorrow is my first day in my new student teaching setting. I need to get excited.
All I want to do is curl up in his bed and go to sleep and not think about anything but the rise and fall of his breath.