Ugh

So it's that time of year...when I ask myself why I'm here, in Bemidji. It's grey and cold and the weather is constantly taunting me with it's 'soon I will bury you in snow' attitude. I have tons of homework to do but somehow have become very good at just not doing it...the 'senioritis' I swore I would never get is eating me alive and I have this ever increasing desire for my time here to be done.
My grandpa is in the hospital, Liyah was a bunny for Halloween. I'm missing so much, and the more I miss the more important family is to me. A big part of me still feels like this is where I was supposed to go to college. The friends I've made and the things that I've experienced have allowed me to discover who I am...but there's also a part of me that will never forgive myself for not being there for my family, and for not having plans to go back.

Bent

If I fall along the way, pick me up and dust me off

And if I get too tired to make it, be my breath so I can walk

And if I need some of your love again, give me more than I can stand

When my smile gets old and faded, wait around I'll smile again...

Shouldn't be so complicated, just hold me and then...just hold me again.

Matchbox 20

Peace

So much chaos that my inability to deal with it leaves me strangely at peace.

Distance

In This Life

You can run from me you can hide from me but I am right beside you in this life.

I'll give you all the things that I never get, give you all I have and have no regret

Take you to the places that I've never been, forgive you all the things that you cant forget

Take away the pain with my healing hands, wash away your sins and set your spirit free

You can run from me, you can hide from me but I am right beside you in this life.

Let me show you what I'm made of

Chantal Kreviazuk

Flying Home

Its hard to let you go, you've always let me in

And helped with all the endings and you know where to begin

I need you here for me cause you always know my heart

I cant believe we'd change

Chantal Kreviazuk

Some may say I use too many song lyrics on here but it's a gift that I admire and simply don't have - the ability to put thoughts into music and lyrics that other people can identify with and get meaning out of.

I've had people tell me that some of my posts are too personal, and for a while I agreed. I took down some of the 'controversial' stuff - ideas that I wasn't ready to share with just anyone. Who knows, maybe I'll take down this one in the morning...I often do that. I'm struggling with what to journal about and what to blog about, and sometimes the line gets grey and I post things I maybe shouldn't, but the blogs that I learn the most from are the ones that are personal and if other people can learn from my mistakes, by all means, go for it.

Long distance relationships are difficult, but they are not impossible. What I'm realizing is that I often blame distance rather than admit that there are differences between us that maybe can't be worked out. It's easier to say, "this isn't working because you moved away" than it is to say "this isn't working because we're changing" or "this isn't working because we're not putting time in to it." The fact is that it's not the distance - it's us. Even if he was sitting beside me on the couch right now it wouldn't change the fact that we are going in different directions. Not so much different roads, but he's walking and stopping to enjoy the scenery. I'm in a plane overhead, wanting nothing more than for him to come and join me, but knowing that there's something about flying that just isn't him.

The solution seems simple - walk away and pursue our own goals. It doesn't work like that. We could blame it on committment, or the fact that 'we've been through a lot.' You could say that we're 'invested' - I have his tv, his vcr, his dvd player...but they're not reasons...they're excuses. The real thing that won't enable me to let go of him is love. It's not being dependent on him for happiness or affection or anything else - it's that I care about him and can't imagine spending my life with anyone but him. So where does that leave us? On a 'break', where I'm constantly waiting for the phone wanting him to call but he doesn't - because I told him not to.

The future

You do not get to where you want to go by waiting for life to come to you. You have to go out and make it happen and if you don't, odds are it won't.

Dilemma

Held up so high on such a breakable thread
Avril Lavigne

Why are leaders held to a higher standard than everyone else? Why is something that is okay for a 'normal' person to say offensive when a 'leader' says it. I was faced with a situation today that I can't get out of my head. A student in a position of leadership said something out of line and offensive to the wife of a state representative. Someone from that person's campaign contacted me, as did another student. I offered to apologize on the student's behalf, and both people who contacted me recommended that I do so. I made the call, and the wife was understanding - talked to her for nearly half an hour. Also talked to the student in question about his actions. He offered to call and apologize, I gave him the number to call, saying it was up to him. "I don't understand why this is such a big deal. It was off the record." he yelled. "You don't get to be off the record - ever" I told him. Things I say in a bar about a candidate or an administrator quickly make their way back on campus - in my time in this job, I've learned to shut up. "I'm just a kid, what do you expect?" he asked, frustrated. "For you to not act like one," I snapped back, irritated by his frustration.
As I hung up I felt like a hypocrite. Throughout the last two years I feel that people have expected things of me I wasn't prepared to give. I grew tired of being under a microscope - of censoring myself - but I got used to it. I learned not to party, not to have bad days, to always act like I had it all together, even when I didn't. I learned to be fake, and have a hard time leaving that at the office some days. It's made me a different person, and my goal this year is to get more of the 'old Julie' back. Yet what I told this student today was that he needed to work on censoring himself - on learning to survive under the microscope and conform to what everyone else wanted him to do and say. I picked up the phone several times today to call and talk to him about it. Once I even dialed, but hung up before it rang, not knowing what I would say if he answered.
We need to learn to be more compassionate...to not expect more from our leaders than we do from ourselves, or at least allow them to be human. Despite our efforts to look and act grown up, there's a part of us that's still struggling to be a kid - that's a part of me that I hope I never lose. The world has enough grown ups.

Guess Who's Back

We got our internet back!!! More posts to come...I just need to quit being so distracted by things like school and cleaning the house...damn responsibility.

Do you...

I'm dying to know...

Do you do you like dreaming of things so impossible

Or only the practical

Or ever the wild or waiting through all your bad bad days

Just to end them with someone you care about?

Yes.

Dashboard

The things that are keeping you here are not keeping me here

The things that are keeping you here keep me away

-Dashboard Confessional-

So our roomie is moving out to live with his girlfriend. He graduated and was planning to move in September but stayed to be with her - he stayed because of her, and I can't wait to leave because of Brandon. It's crazy how much we're driven by emotions. I have a job here that I love, and my classes are the only path I know to get where I've always dreamed of being. Yet one person has such an effect on me. If he was in Kansas, that's where I'd want to be - if he was across the ocean, that's where I'd want to be. I'm being rational - I'm here, doing what I need to be doing - but it's different...I'm not really here. My thoughts, my worries...my heart...they're all somewhere else and the second life allows me to leave here, I'll be with him. How does love have the power to change so much...and even more important, how does it have the power to make stubborn people change?

Fallen

"Fallen"

Heaven bend to take my hand and lead me through the fire

Be the long awaited answer to a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best but somewhere along the way

I got caught up in all there was to offer

And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...

I have sunk so low I have messed up

Better I should know so don't come round here and tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent

Love was raw and young

We believed that we could change ourselves

The past could be undone but we carry on our backs the burden

Time always reveals the lonely light of morning

The wound that would not heal

It's the bitter taste of losing everything that I have held so dear

Sarah McLachlan

Reading Julie's post today set a tone for a day of reflection. What happend to who I was freshman year? To the person who believed so much in something - in God - that I couldn't help but emit joy. When did I become constantly pesimistic and doubtful? It's affected everything - the lack of joy. How do I get it back without giving up what I've gained - the knowledge, the freedom, the relationships? What does God think as He watches me everyday? Is He frustrated with my inconsitency of fascinated by my journey? Is He annoyed or entertained? Is this part of His plan for me or have I left him...

I don't know if it was a choice to stray or if it just happened. There's moments I feel it - the voice inside that tells me I'm empty - chasing things that mean nothing in the end. But I've gotten good at tuning it out, so I go about my life pretending it all means something - and in the end I think some of it will if I quit being selfish. Moments of clarity are often followed by moments of, well, not so much clarity. I've felt like this before - how much does it take for me to actually change something?

Round Here

Step out the front door like a ghost into the fog where no one notices the contrast of white on white.

And in between the moon and youth angels get a better view of the crumbling difference between wrong and right.

I walk in the air between the rain through myself and back again

Where I don't know - Maria says she's dying through the door I hear her crying

Why I don't know

Round here we always stand up straight

Round here something radiates

Round here we're carving out our names

Round here we all look the same

Round here we talk just like lions But we sacrifice like lambs

Round here she's slipping through my hands

Says she's tired of life

Well everybody's tired of something

Round here she's always on my mind

Counting Crows

Getting bigger every day... 

Freakin Frappin Tired

Yeah so this was a long day. Class, meeting with Clayt, meeting with Q and Clayt, wrote my speech, gave my speech, went to class again, and now I'm off to class again. I'm used to being busy and like it but today was mentally exhausting. I need a break - to sleep, do homework, and not have to be anywhere.
What I really need is a Brandon hug...8 more days...

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

http://www.nytimes.com/2004/10/06/politics/trail/06TRAIL-CHENEY.html

One More Reason To Vote For Kerry

Dick Cheney

Redemption...maybe

So...I think I was a little misunderstood. In a week when we are doing a voter registration drive, the Senate Higher Ed committee will be here, I have mondo stuff due for my thesis, my mom is here, I could go on and on...I've had 3 calls from people who don't live here to ask about the 'situation' - basically wanting either gossip or to hear that our administration is trying to hide it so they can step in and feel important when a) I don't know any gossip and b) I CAN HANDLE THE ADMINISTRATION AT MY SCHOOL - we have the best president in the system. I know they were trying to help...but really, it's the one thing that I've got totally under control because there's really nothing for us to do.
My other frustration is that we have 13 senators - THIRTEEN. We are busy busy busy and this is what people are talking about? What about being proactive - what about the other thousands of students that have issues we can do something about. I've checked to make sure that both the victim and the accusees are getting the services they are entitled to through the university and they are.
PhuLEEZE put energy into something that is productive!

So We're In The Paper

QUIT TALKING ABOUT IT! I got calls from 3 MSUSA people today about the article in the paper - guess what, Bemidji isn't perfect...
People seem to be forgetting that they are hearing one side of the story, and that it is not our job to judge - guilty or not, these guys deserve a fair trial.

Round here, we always stand up straight

Counting Crows

No one is perfect and people make mistakes - instead of speculating and blaming we need to join together, support one another, and MOVE ON - focus on things that we can control and change - this is not one of them.

My little 'peanut' sleeping 

Dee and Liyah - sleeping :) 

Back To Normal

I felt GREAT today - woke up and was happy. Maybe it's because Julie brought me chai, or because I actually slept without waking up a million times thinking about things I forgot to do, or maybe I'm just getting better. Maybe it's because Senate is beginning to feel managable, thanks in part to rock star senators and chairs.
Liyah now weighs 11lbs and is still tall and skinny with a tiny head.
Laura and I are going hiking this weekend - DOWN TIME - YEA!
Busy week ahead, but we will be fine and get through it. Life is good and not overwhelming...
Better work on my thesis while I'm still feeling productive...

4 hours = Forever

'I guess I kind of thought that it would be easier than this, I guess I was wrong'
Lifehouse

This Is My Life, It's Not What It Was Before

I need to learn to accept change that is not voluntary. I cannot always predict or control my life. For someone who has always had a plan and stopped at nothing to follow through with it, this is a hard lesson to learn. I long for the past - for last fall...weekend parties, dancing on the ledge, playing twister with Jake - at the same time I long for the spring...lots of time with Brandon, feeling comfortable and in a routine with Senate. I look at life now and it seems crazy - like Senate is going to be constantly overwhelming, like I will never get caught up in my classes, and that it will be forever until I see Brandon. I know that looking back, this semester will be something I long for. I forget how crazy last fall was and how I hated being hung over all the time - how spring made me feel insane because I was coaching. In hindsight, I remember only the good things, when in reality the good things are only good because they are a contrast from everyday life. I read the other day that only in hindsight does life make sense - unfortunately, we must live it forward. The lesson of being content with my life now is one I need to learn...I will work on it.