Step aside from all this anger
And somewhere in between I can feel you
Ask me should we try again
I'm thinking no
Y'know, it's not what I believe in
Howie Day

Putting myself out there when my heart couldn't be more broken. Part of me wants us so bad. Believes in him so much...loves who he is as a person. Thinks it's my fault for changing. He saw me weak, cynical, unhappy - that's not who everyone else sees - it's not who he fell in love with, and it's not fair to him.
Oh how I want tomorrow to come so I can get lost in the routine.

Sometimes

We tried to act like it hadn't happened. But I knew that he knew, and that it would only be a matter of time before one of us brought it up.
"Are you doing okay?" he asked.
"Sometimes," I replied honestly.
I told myself not to cry - that he wouldn't know how to handle it. The most honest reply I'd given anyone all day slipped out more easily than I wanted it to.
"If you want to talk, I'm here," he said.
"Thanks," I replied, knowing that when it did come up, he'd know what to say. He always does. We went back to work and the playful friendship that is exactly what I needed today. I left feeling better, like maybe the sometimes would soon turn in to most of the time.

I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
Colin Hay

The goal is to heal a little everyday. We went through too much together for us to ever be over. Days spent in the hospital, thousands of tears that went from my cheek to his hand. He was with me through the hardest time thus far in my life. Our contact may end, the tears may stop, the memories may fade...but he'll never be completely gone.

The sacrifice is never knowing
Why I never walked away
Linkin Park

Today I'm angry - at how he's handled our relationship for the past few weeks, at his actions this weekend - at his indifference. There's nothing that I get from him that I can't get from people already in my life. People that call when they say they're going to - that enjoy spending time with me - that don't make me feel like I'm asking too much of them. I don't need him. That's an amazing feeling.

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide
Howie Day

I woke feeling stronger today - physically, emotionally, and mentally. I'm kidding myself if I think we can just walk away and cut off all communication. There's still something there, even if it's just a deep friendship. We need to figure out what it is and if it's worth the work it takes from both of us to maintain it. A calming night with friends had prepared me for our conversation last night and I was ready - in control, logical, not emotional. He'll come here next weekend for 'the conversation'. Topics will be decided on ahead of time - no suprises. Decisions will be made out of strength, not the weakness that comes from being overwhelmed by emotions.
We've both changed so much. I want to be the person I was when he first met me - strong and independent. I can get that back - I feel it already. We both need to start over - would it be counterproductive to start over with each other?

Thankful

For a family that looks forward to my presence but does not demand it.
For a mom who has been more unselfish than anyone I've ever known, who takes care of me when I'm sick despite the germs it brings her.
For friends that are supportive.
For people that support the relationships I choose, without pulling on me for more time and attention for themselves.

I feel thrown away. I gave him everything I had in me, and some that I didn't. It's left me feeling empty and robbed - I feel like I'm dying.
Disappointed once again and mad not at him, but at myself, for nievely believing that this would be the time we could fix it. That if only I tried a little harder, needed a little less...that we would be okay.
He's changed, and so have I. He's not the person he was a year ago - who couldn't wait to spend time with me - who would keep me on the phone for hours talking about nothing at all.
I know it but I deny it. Wanting desparately to be with the person I accidentally fell in love with.

For two hours I cried, wanting nothing but for my exhausted body to fall asleep. It refused, and by the time he called at 1 am I was shaking.
I can't have this hanging over me any more. We need to have this conversation face to face. The last time I told him goodbye I didn't make it good enough to be the last time. Didn't hug him tight enough or look at him long enough. Didn't study the contour of his face or his eyes when he smiled. Didn't cherish the warmth of his hand on the back of my head as he held it close to his. It was cold and it was time for me to go home, and we found comfort in knowing there would be a next time.
There is no closure, just a gaping wound and everything around me is salt. It doesn't matter that I took his pictures down - I know where they used to be. I deleted his number from my phone, but it's memorized and when I can't find the strength to be without him it gets dialed. I need him to take me in his arms and hug me like he used to when things were falling apart, to kiss the top of my head and tell me things are going to be okay...need to start over.

Monomania

How thankful I am for friends that are here for me before I know I need them.
Soy ice cream and a girl power movie - what I needed to begin processing...

Unraveling

I am on a lonely road and I am traveling
Looking for the key to set me free
Oh the jealousy, the greed is the unraveling
It’s the unraveling
And it undoes all the joy that could be

Oh I love you when I forget about me
-Joni Mitchell

Talk About Shitty Timing

It's over.
Time to take back our tv, vcr, dvd player - they're his. Time to take down the pictures and throw away the cds. Time to start planning for me again - not us. Time to delete him from my future...questioning how he became such a big part of it anyway.
Tired of feeling like his last priority, of begging to spend time with him when the longing used to be mutual.
Half of my future just walked away - never again will anybody get that close.

Bye bye Hotmail

So hotmail is officially annoying. Three weeks ago when it began to sporadically shut down on me I told myself not to complain - I was getting it for free.
But now...now it's been long enough. I rely on it for a huge majority of my Senate communication, as well as updates from family and friends and it's NOT WORKING. Granted, I do not pay for it. But I, along with millions of other free users, make their advertising space a lot more valuable. If they were a little company I would have more patience but they're not. Use your big corporation money and power to fix your servers or I'm taking Julie up on her offer to invite me to Gmail...ha.

Escape

I'm going home for Easter - first time in 4 years.

Miscommunication turns in to a fight
And all the years you've been frustrated
Finally subside and now you walk away
To face the day alone

i've never felt this alone before, like this could be the thing that breaks us. we have different communication styles. he's a talker, i'm a writer. i don't talk back, he doesn't write back, and we're left expressing our emotions more for the satisfaction of our own minds than anything else. relationships do not work like this. they involve give and take...tenderness, compromise, honesty.
we're not happy and i don't know that we have been for a while. we have good days, good moments, but not like we used to. i keep waiting for the day when the distance is over - it's been long enough, and it's not helping us to grow anymore. there are some conversations that just shouldn't happen over the phone, but we've got another month before we'll have the chance to have it in person...

Standing At The Edge of the Earth

I knew that this moment would come in time
That I'd have to let go and watch you fly
I know you're coming back so why am I dying inside
Are you searching for words that you can't find
Trying to hide your emotions but eyes don't lie
Guess there's no easy way to say goodbye
So I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping that someday you'll come back again
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth hoping for someday
Don't misunderstand what I'm trying to say
I don't want to let you leave this way
I want you to know that I stand right by your side
And I know this may be
The very last time that we see each other cry
But whatever happens know that I'll....
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping that one day you'll come back again
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth hoping that someday Y
ou'll come back to me
I'll be praying for whatever it's worth
Believing that one day you'll come back to me
Blessid Union of Souls

Talking to G'pa!

Liyah and mom 

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, and cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face us with the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ---Henri Nouwen

Confused

"Got a heart, don't work so good.
Cause it don't feel the way that I think that it should."
Bob Schneider

Application Done

Now it's up to them. Strange that I feel so relieved by the fact that my future is in the hands of others. Time to enjoy tomorrow - focus on now. I've prepared as much as I can...time to sit back and wait.

Gear shift

So much to say but lacking the energy...
I'm hungry for people yet not allowing myself to make time for them. The past month has been so crazy that all I could think about was surviving the next day. Out of survival mode and into a lower gear - the adjustment isn't what I thought it would be. I've lost the ability to chill out, to not think about work or school...how do I get that back?

Victories

Senator Ruud is supporting the tuition freeze.
She went from telling us that she 'would be her mortgage' on it failing and that the only way it would even get a hearing is by a miracle to supporting it. We called numerous times, we took 40 students down to meet with her. We attended a town meeting on our day off showing up with signs and questions. We were persistant and it paid off. Victory feels great. It's a small battle, and we have a huge war ahead of us, but little victories like this remind me why we do what we do - because we believe in it.
How frustrating it is when fellow students don't support us. Most of the time it's because they don't understand the process - what we're asking for, why we believe we're valid, etc. If you have questions ask me. We are doing what is best for the students of Bemidji State - our legislators know that and agree with us. What an awesome feeling that is. Today there is no getting us down - today we won.

Vacation

Aaahhh....relaxation.
We went to a play, saw Blessid Union of Soul, ate Chinese, and spent time with his friends.
"Happy anniversary!" were the first words he said this morning. How glad I am to be here...
The hell classes are almost over - I have a take home final that's due Wednesday. Need to finish my Teach for American application. Not done, but more sane than I was when I arrived. Amazing what some much needed sleeping in and a boy can do.

Recuperating

Sometimes I feel like superman
Sometimes I'm just recuperating
Bob Schneider

I'm not invincible - damn. The stomach flu does not stay away from my five workouts a week, eight hours of sleep a night, organic food/vegetarian eating body.
Maybe I should just start eating at McDonalds.





Or not. ACK.

Breakable

Do you always have to tell him everything on your mind
You know that too much honesty can be so unkind
Everytime you throw him to the floor - why are you surprised to see
He´s breakable
You always try to find what´s holding him away from you
But do you ever see your anger standing there right between you?
And everytime you throw him to the wall, why are you surprised to see
He´s breakable
Tell the world that he´s breaking your heart
Go tell the world nothing´s ever your fault
Go tell them all...
Fisher

Ever feel like the world is collapsing around you and all you need is somebody to help you hold it up?

Uncertainty

Oh how blurry life becomes when the things that were always so black and white become grey. Talking with Jake today about options...
Option 1: (secured) Internship in the cities with Ready4K, an early childhood advocacy group.
Option 2: (not secured) Internship in Washington DC with the Department of Education doing policy work
Option 3: (not secured) Teach For America - graduate in May with a Political Science degree and commit to two years of teaching inner city kids

A year ago options 2 and 3 would have been much higher picks than option 1. I had nothing holding me here, or anywhere for that matter - I was free.
Now I have something very powerful holding me here - my heart. I could leave - I could experience option 2 or 3 and gain greatly from it, yet something tells me I wouldn't be truly satisfied...experiencing so much and not being able to share it with him. I need more than wordly success to make me feel happy. Happiness is feeling loved, appreciated, taken care of...believed in. I grew up with this. I was raised in a close family, and while leaving them was not easy, I knew that I was making the right choice. I can't see leaving him as the right choice. It might be the easiest - I'm used to leaving, being selfish in a way - doing what was best for me. But staying and listening to my heart - throwing away a career opportunity - thinking not of a 'me', but an us - that's something I've never done...
I shouldn't even be thinking about this - who knows if I'll even get in to options 2 or 3...but if I do decisions will need to be made fast. I need to be prepared...

Dear Mr. President again,

Our social security system will be fine until 2050. You should read congressional progressions.
Making pell grants higher does not help college students unless you fully fund the program. If you increase the size of grants, less people get grants. That does not help.
The only reason the Democrats stand up and clap for you is because they know they need your help on votes. They really think you're full of crap.
Quit telling us the country is going to fall apart. We will be fine, and those of us with brains are not afraid.
Dick Cheney is only smiling because he has gas.
How are we helping low income Americans with upper class tax cuts?
If you give the poor money to buy insurance they will buy food, or a car. Most of us do not have multiple houses or our own plane.
America needs to stop worrying about retirement funds and start worrying about taking care of our future. Inspire us to do that - you are our leader.
You're a republican - aren't you supposed to be for small government? Why are you trying to amend the constitution? Discriminator.
You are making me mad. I am not listening any more.

Dear Mr. President,

A nation is not soverign OR free if we are occupying them.
From,
Julie G.

PS - You talk like a smurf.

No Pretzels and Starbucks?

Sad!

Passion

Senate these past two weeks has been awesome. I don't know if it was the goal setting we did last week or the fact that we actually made time to have fun...it could be that people have their own 'projects' and feel ownership in what we're doing, although we've been trying that for the last year. Somewhere over the last 10 days something changed and it's great. People are being proactive and kicking ass at whatever it is they choose to do. They're working together and supporting each other. They have passion. I stopped demanding it, and suddenly it appeared. People are talking to students...recruiting their friends to join us. This is going to be an incredible semester. Stand back and watch us represent you - join us if you have the guts.