My Journey

Sunday, January 30, 2005

It Only Gets Better

We're getting better...at being apart and at being together. At balancing friend and alone time - at being supportive and still holding each other accountable. I've waited for this ever since he left...and its here - we're better than we've been in a long time and it's really really nice...

Friday, January 28, 2005

Non-Profit?

Seifert found that Minnesota Public Radio, which receives $195,000 in state funds, pays its top officer $551,144. The Minneapolis Society of Fine Arts, which gets $145,700 from taxpayers, pays its head $584,307. Even the Minnesota Historical Society, which gets a huge $22.4 million from the state, pays its chief $229,165. The YMCA of Metropolitan Minneapolis, a $575,911 taxpayer drain, pays its head $279,371. The Guthrie Theatre Foundation, a $419,000 public recipient, pays its chief $333,564 while the Walker Art Center gets $374,400 from taxpayers and turns around with $374,341 to its chief officer.
Interesting...

I Love It When...

Roomies are home and I have time to hang out with them.

Thursday, January 27, 2005


If only you could hear the laugh that goes with that smile... Posted by Hello

Rant Continued...

The day went on and I continued to become more irritated about the 'hoodlums' comment.
We were playing a game as part of a group presentation (the offender was part of the group presenting.) It was obvious they had not put much time or thought into their presentation, and their 'spinner' was a paper plate with a straightened paper clip stabbed through the middle so it would spin. If you were a 2nd grader what's the first thing you would do with that paper clip? Take it out and stab people with it. Not that you could do a lot of damage, but still...it's not developmentally appropriate if you're 7 years old. So I said that in our comments part - that I've worked with students who would stab people with the paper clip.
"Those are your hoodlums," said the guy. Everyone, including my professor, laughed and the class went on.
"My Red Lake (kindergarten) students would have done that," said a girl in my class. No response - change of subject.
GGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRR. I left pissed. First of all, his statement was arrogant and ignorant. Second of all, he's half-assing his way through our program, along with many of my classmates in Crookston (ITV). He should not be able to graduate with the same degree I will. I have worked for mine. I have learned for mine. But most importantly...what happens when he gets a teaching job outside of white, hunting, small town Minnesota? What happens if he gets a minority or low income student in his classroom? I understand that no one is perfect, but he makes comments like this all the time. He should not be allowed to influence little kids.
Teaching is not a back-up profession. People that cannot decide what they want to do should go in to business - not education. (No offense Laura - you rock, and any profession would be lucky to have you. He would be the kind of business major you hate.)
I do not understand how college seniors can be racist. Open your eyes and stop being afraid damnit.

Ignorance

A fellow classmate called my future students hoodlums today.
GGGGRRRRRR. Amy - you should have been there - we would have eaten him alive.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Food Porn, Sewers, and Wal Mart

Look here - thanks to Angela for the link!

Sunday, January 23, 2005

What If We Fail?

http://www.parents.com/articles/ages_and_stages/3145.jsp

To all of you who question the importance of early childhood education....read this. Where would you be if somebody hadn't taught you these things?

The Bullshit Begins

http://www.bemidjipioneer.com/main.asp?FromHome=1&TypeID=1&ArticleID=18038&SectionID=3&SubSectionID

New university at Rochester? How about funding the ones we already have?!
I'm not saying cut nursing homes and hospitals, but if we don't start funding higher ed, who will work at those places?
If the Vikings and the Twins want a new stadium, they can pay for it. Last time I checked they had a lot more money than the rest of us.
The state is failing in its duty to provide social services to its citizens, mostly because we elect people who promise we won't have to pay for them.
Gggrrrrr....

I Was Just Thinkin...

I was just thinkin that I have been missin you for way too long...
I'm tired of postcards, especially the ones with cute dogs and cupids
I'm tired of calling you, missing you, dreaming I've slept with you
Don't get me wrong I still desperately love you
Inside this weary head I want us to love just instead
But I was just thinking and thinking, merely thinking
I think about long distance rates instead of kissing you babe
And time is running me still
If I wait for you longer my affection is strongerI was just thinking - I was just thinking
Baby I'm sinking, merely sinking
Teitur

I was doing better...about missing him that is. Not that I didn't think about him, but it wasn't constant, and it wasn't an ache - merely a thought every now and then about where he was and what he was doing. Then tonight at Amy's we were listening to music he would have liked. I needed his help on Trivial Pursuit questions. Driving home I turned up the music and sang really loud, trying to ignore the fact that he wasn't with me even though I so desperately wanted him to be. It's cold and a little lonely...on nights like these I would love to drive to his dorm and curl up in his tiny bed...sleep until noon and order bagles from Paul Bunyan Sub Shop. Lay around in pajamas and watch movies until I convinced him I absolutely had to go...I want somebody to give me back the beginning without losing what we've learned from being apart...to give us the comfort of being near each other without losing the independence we get from the miles between us...I want to surprise him with notes on his door and cookies after a bad day, but most of all I want to be able to hear this song and not cry.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Deflated

If words fall on ears that are thinking of a comeback rather than listening, are they heard?

Snow Day!

Our conference was cancelled today because of the weather in Mankato. It's like somebody handed me two days and said here's 48 extra hours - do what you want. It's great!
We'll need to reschedule the conference, and there are decisions to be made later today in a conference call, but for now, it's the beginning of a weekend - yea!

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Ready

I'd written a while ago about questioning my involvement with MSUSA. As if fighting for funding at both the state and federal level isn't enough, we've created endless internal battles that constantly require attention. How I would love for this all to be gone...for the seven campuses to come together, compromise, and leave with a common vision we were all willing to work for. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way, and I'm realizing that I need to look at the organization like I will look at my students. I will take them where they are and work with them not because they are perfect, but because I believe in their potential. MSUSA is experiencing a lot of growing pains right now and it is not perfect, but I believe in its potential. This conference will be better than the last two. I will not allow myself to get caught up in the drama - I will focus on the big picture of what we are doing for the students of Minnesota, and ignore the rest.
There's always something comforting about these weekends - about being with people who share my passion for advocacy - who understand what's going on at the legislature and how we have an influence on that. Many of my closest friends are no longer involved in Senate, and I enjoy that - it allows me to have time off. They rarely ask how it's going, which allows me to leave my work at the office. It's something I didn't do last year, and it's saved me this year. But every once in a while it's fun to hang out with people who live and breathe the same things I do - the stress, the deadlines...the pressure of running an organization, the balance of student and administrator. I'm ready to hang out with my boys (they hate it when I call them that...)
It's gonna be a good weekend...I can feel it.

I'm Applying

"Join our movement to ensure that one day, all children in this nation have anequal chance in life." says the email I got from the Teach for America admissions office today.
I will :)

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

I'm Greatful

For friends that listen in moments of indecisiveness.

Obsession With the End

A large part of what we talked about in my honors class today...am I obsessed with a different end? Not the end of the world, but of this phase in my life? I want to be done - to be out in the world - teaching...but am I ready? I can't picture myself teaching in eight months. I don't feel 'grown up' enough. "Do we ever?" asked Jake today.
"I plan to in a year," I replied, realizing that part of my hesitation at just applying for Teach For America is the fact that I planned to do it in the fall - that this isn't how I planned for my life to happen.
A list of pros and cons is in the works...so many cons, only a few pros of graduating in May, but they're big pros, heavier than the many cons, and they seem to balance out.
There's little risk in just applying unless getting accepted in February and rejecting it could hurt my chances next year...

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Is it 2006 yet?

Someone please tell me how dumb it would be to spend time filling out an application for Teach for America for this coming year. I fit the requirements - I will have a degree in May - in Political Science. I could, if accepted, teach for two years and get most of my student teaching waived, therefore still eventually obtaining a degree in Education.
Just because I fit the requirements doesn't mean I'm a good applicant. An ed degree would strengthen my application (I think). My internship experience this summer, where ever it may be, will strengthen my application. Another year of growing, reading, and learning will strengthen my application. TIME SPENT IN THE CLASSROOM will strengthen my application.
But I want the future to be now so much I can't stop thinking about it...

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Countdown

Two more days and he will be here. Tuesday he leaves, and the countdown starts again. I'm tired of living life for the next time I see him - the next time we can share the everyday things most people take for granted. I know other people in long distance relationships who like the miles between them because it fosters independence. From the day he drove away in May I've never felt that. I tell myself it could be worse - we could be days apart - oceans apart - but that offers no comfort. I'm bitter, and jealous...emotions I'm not used to feeling. Jealous of people who can have dates whenever they want - sleepover whenever they want. Frustrated with people who have never spent time apart from their 'significant other', and wondering why we have to. I've always believed that things happen for a reason and I'm sure when we're together again I will be thankful for the lessons we learned from the distance but right now I'm not.
Everyday I think about leaving - not quitting the journey but changing the route. Still achieving the things I want to achieve but not here, and maybe not now. I've followed my head for the last 21 years and now all I want is to listen to my heart, not to give in to a spontaneous impulse, but end the constant ache that has become such a big part of me.
I thank God for my friends and the support I have in them. They allow me to justify staying here - they are the comfort my heart finds even when I've ignored it completely and done what my head tells me to do. How I wish this was getting easier....but it's not so for now I find comfort in the countdown...43 hours, 15 minutes.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Head vs. Heart

Why do I listen to one when the other is so much stronger?

Perspective

This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose ?
Yes.
Four years ago I was a high school senior dreaming of independence; of making it on my own far away from my family in a different culture - a different state. I dreamed of going to Eurospring and becoming involved with student government. I wanted to make friends and leave college with a mind that was more open than it was when I began.
I wanted to spend a summer in a big city - I did.
I wanted to spend a summer here in Bemidji - I did.
I wanted to learn how to play guitar - I did.
All while completing two majors and a minor with a GPA I'm satisfied with. I've made a home here. This is everything I dreamed - and then some. While I struggle with the thought of being here for another year, I take comfort in knowing that this is what I wanted and I made it happen.
Time to goal set for the next phase of my life... :)

Friday, January 07, 2005

Not Ready

Please do not make me go back to school...if anybody can figure out how to get me out of this semester and still be able to teach I would love you forever...
This break was too short and filled with work - applications for scholarships and internships, as well as thesis editing make me feel like break just started. I want to stay here, or in the cities with Brandon, just not Bemidji. I do miss things...like roomates that sing around the house and friends that are always up for a weekend study session at Caribou...and I miss Senate - not so much the work, but the people.
Even so, my excitement for the upcoming semester is lost in the feeling of being so burnt out that all I can think about is walking across that stage in a year and moving on with my life.
Tomorrow I'll get on the plane not to Bemidji - to Brandon. For now, that's motivation enough.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

I Want This

I'm finding out what it feels like to not be able to focus on this week's list of assignments, but rather on this week's goals within our home and within our relationship. And when I think of my future now, I don't think about the classes I need to take to graduate so that I can have that wonderful, magical promise-land-type job some day. When I think of my future now, I think about what Kelly and I want to be doing and where we want to be and the expectations we hold for ourselves and how we're going to get there as a team.

What I wouldn't give to be at the point where this was us...but it will not be, not for another year and a half, and I can't help but wonder sometimes if we're strong enough to make it that long. When does it reach a point where one of us makes the decision that something needs to change...not giving up our dreams, but figuring out how it's possible to accomplish them without sacrificing each other?

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Iced In

Four days ago it was 60 degrees...freakin weather.
http://www.icstars.com/IceStorm/